Mandyland Musings

Mandyland's Current Mission & How You Can Help!

2012-02-17T09:05:00.000-08:00

Hey hotties! Mandyland is without an item it desperately needs in order to function properly, and that is a working computer. I would LOVE your help so that Paige and I can get back to business!:) Below I will list the many cool things that Paige and I can offer in exchange for your financial support, but first you may want to read last year's Call For Support to better understand what it means to support an independent artist like me:)

Over the past 7 years I have relied solely on used computers (8 in total) that were generously offered by friends who believed in my work and wanted to help me produce it. Yes, my friends completely rock. In 2008 I bought a used Macbook for a few hundred dollars and it, more than any other computer, has served us well overall but now it's time has also come to an end.

Paige and I both rely heavily on the computer (she with her photography business Humanity Photography, and I with my blogs, Sexpot Studio videos, Mandyland Radio podcasts, the free Sacred Path Card Readings I offer each Sunday on GOD & DIVA Inspirations, as well as promoting and maintaining my online presence on Facebook and other social media outlets.

At the moment, Paige is goes to her boyfriend's house after school to use his computer for schoolwork and I come here to the public library for 1 hour a day to return emails and do whatever work I can within that timeline.

My dream is a brand new Mac for Paige and I. I recently received back pay for my work with Echo Weekly and that will carry Paige and I for the next two months (usually I go month to month being self-employed), so I am putting a percentage of that towards our new computer and would love to earn the rest of the money through the awesome work that we do.

For those who use our services primarily because of this plea, I would be happy to name you in the end when we achieve this goal. Without further adieu, here is a list of the many ways you can support this Mandyland dream:)

1. BOOK A HUMANITY PHOTOGRAPHY PHOTO SHOOT!

Read all about it HERE!

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2. REGISTER FOR A LIFE-TRANSFORMING GOD OR DIVA CLASS!

Read all about them HERE! www.godsanddivas.com

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3. BUY THE POET & THE BUTTERFLY!

Read all about it HERE!

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4. BUY WAKE UP! THIS IS YOUR LIFE!

Read all about it HERE!

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5. BUY YUMMY DELISH TOO GOOD TRIANGLES!

Read all about them HERE!

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6. SPONSOR MANDYLAND RADIO!

Read all about it HERE!

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7. HIRE ME FOR PROMOTIONAL WRITING!

Read all about it HERE!

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8. HIRE EITHER PAIGE OR I TO MODEL YOUR AMAZING CLOTHING LINE JUST BECAUSE WE ROCK!

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9. HIRE ME TO BEAUTIFY YOUR LIVING SPACE!

Okay, so I have no pics and no work history in this area but anyone who has entered my home knows just how great I am at making each room vibrate with beauty and warmth through the use of Feng Shui, Colour Therapy, and Intuition. I would love to create Sacred Spaces for others as well so that when they walk through their own door, they smile:)

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10. DONATE ANY AMOUNT JUST BECAUSE MANDYLAND ADDS TO THE QUALITY OF YOUR DAY THROUGH INSPIRING BLOGS, VIDEOS, FACEBOOK UPDATES AND MORE. OR EVEN JUST BECAUSE I'M CUTE!:)

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The DONATE BUTTON is just on the right of this blog:) Email transfers to herhappyhighness@gmail.com also work great!

Thank you so much for reading my plea and thank you for your support either buy purchasing one of our services or buy recommending them to others. You rock! Since my time is limited online, I did not write descriptions or many details about these services and products. Be sure to click on the HERE links above to get more info or just email mandy@mandylandrocks.com with any questions, bookings or orders and I will get back to you next time I'm online.

With love,
Mandy xo

www.mandylandrocks.com

Numerology: Are You Born On The 29th?

2012-02-11T18:51:00.000-08:00

The subject of today's LEVEL 3 DIVA CLASS was Numerology, and for those who are unfamiliar with it, Numerology is the metaphysical science and study of number symbolism. It is a powerful tool for self-discovery and that is often incredibly accurate. Your number is worked out using your complete birthdate and/or your full name at birth. There are Day Force Numbers (reflects one's personality on a daily basis, making it a very significant number), Birth Force Numbers (gives an overview of one's lifetime mission and struggles), Master Numbers (like 11 & 22) and more.

My Birth Force Number is an 8. My Day Force number is an 11 (one of the Master Numbers) and I thought I would share a description of it. In numerology, dates are added together until numbers cannot be reduced any further. So since I was born on the 29th is goes like this: 2+9 = 11. Being a Master Number, 11 cannot be reduced further so that's how I ended up with 11 as my Day Force Number. Below is a fabulous numerological overview for anyone born on the 29th of any month. You're in good company alongside myself and Oprah if you were:) Enjoy!

From Zillionz by Titania Harde:

"The 29th is the other 11 Master Number birthday. You can achieve more in this lifetime but you will also have to face daily tests along the way. Your true destiny would place you before the public. You are an idealist and a dreamer, but you also have a great capacity for leadership. You are probably spiritually inclined and have instinctive wisdom and philosophy.

This can be a very prosperous Day Force number if wisely used. The correct course for any Master Number is to help others; so you must walk a straight path and help friends to do the same. You will be inclined to moodiness, depression and nervousness and must cultivate the art of relaxation. This is especially true in matters of the heart for, like all 'double digit' numbers, you will be extreme in your emotions, an will affect others with your moods. You must learn to live in the real world, with a mortal human for a partner rather than a god. Be wise about yourself, here.

You have a tendency to worry and over-analyze, and can be self-willed. You must also avoid a propensity to be so enthralled in your own world that you ignore others' strife. Try to remain calm and balanced. You will love all the beautiful things in life, and need a stable and sympathetic home to come back to. You will have many friends. You can convince anyone of anything if you've a mind to, but must fight intolerance of those who cannot grasp things as quickly or as easily as you. It is possible for you to have a hugely successful life, provided you remember the feelings of others.

You should have a public career, such as acting, politics, public relations, music, lecturing, selling and marketing. But you could also bring your own brand of professionalism to writing or art."

If you feel drawn to learning about what your number is and what it says about you, you can find many sites and books that will help you figure out your numbers, or you could even join a DIVA CLASS and get a personalized Numerology reading as well.

Mandy xo

www.godsanddivas.com
www.mandylandrocks.com

Life Rocks When You Don't Hate Yourself

2012-01-21T16:03:00.000-08:00

Cheers from the other side of inner hell.

Before I tell you all about my new world of self-loving, let me tell you about the major shift that occurred for me on January 3rd. I did start to write about it the next day in a blog entitled The Day That Changed My Life, but it was hard to finish because there was just so much awesomeness concentrated into my experience that putting words to it seemed useless and wholly inadequate. Here is some of what I wrote on January 4th however, followed by tonight's thoughts on the subject.

* * * * * * * * *

January 4, 2012

Yesterday my life changed. Not just a little, but completely. And it made me weep.

I cried at least ten times during the course of the day...not because I was sad, but because I saw the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life and I will never be the same again.

I saw myself as I truly am, beneath the self-hatred that has blinded me to my own beauty (both inner and outer) for most of my life. I honestly couldn't believe my eyes. I saw the most beautiful woman in the world. I saw the one I have been searching for my whole life. I saw the magnificent being who was here all along, the one whom others celebrated while I criticized, the one who was never good enough (in my eyes at least) but somehow managed to impress those around her.

It was an overwhelming moment...that moment of recognition and complete awareness. I'm crying right now just thinking about it. It's like I finally saw what everyone else has been seeing for years. And I was amazed. Amazed that it took so long for me to see it. What took me so long? And I was amazed that I had been so cruel to myself for so many years. I certainly didn't deserve it. Why had I been so cruel? Why did I abuse myself by the hour with all those awful thoughts? Why on earth did I for one second think that I wasn't good enough? Why did I have to spend my entire life feeling like I was bad and evil and unworthy and ugly and overweight when I was never any of these things? Why, no matter what I did, no matter what I achieved, no matter who commended me or how others perceived me, could I not appreciate all that I am and all I had done? Why did it count for nothing? When would it count for something? When would I matter to myself?

More tears...

How tragic is it that at 35, I am only beginning to appreciate myself. Of course I have had select moments along the way that I did not hate myself, but they were rare. And even up until a month or so ago, I still had many moments of just wanting to die because I honestly felt and believed I was the worst person on the planet. My view of myself was so skewed and I was so brutally hard on myself that I just couldn't take it some days. I wanted relief from the constant torture I was inflicting upon myself but I was scarcely aware of the drill sergeant that lived inside my head. She was so familiar and I believed everything she said.

I couldn't find a reason or a way to forgive myself for all the ways I felt I failed at life; especially as a mother. My list of transgressions was long, and when you have someone tallying your every mistake on a daily basis (which I was more than happy to do), well it's kind of hard to feel great about anything for long. It's what I grew up with and naturally I created the same environment internally. We all do. But because of that, I missed out on some wonderful things along the way, namely, a loving relationship with myself.

* * * * * * *

Back to present time...

Well it's been a few weeks now and I am still feeling incredible and words still cannot do my experience justice. Just imagine waking up with a smile every morning, feeling relaxed throughout the day, loving what you see when you look in the mirror, getting long, solid sleeps, laughing for no reason, repeatedly saying wonderful things to your new best friend (yourself) and meaning it, feeling proud of who you are, grateful for all that you have, and excited when another day arrives. That is what my world consists of now. True story. And I freaking LOVE it!

When the veil of self-hatred dissolved, what remained was all that truly mattered. My true self. And once I was in alignment with her, I was in alignment with everything. I stopped being so reactive at home with Paige, I stopped pulling all-nighters to work online, I stopped ignoring my body's needs for adequate rest, and I started sleeping each night. I started trusting I could let things go. I started seeing that I really do have everything I need, and I started to relax.

Then money started to flow (I got 4 cheques and another big one is on the way), my home has been immaculate (with very little effort), and my insecurities over past relationships just fell away.

Another thing that I've noticed is that as my self-worth increases, so does my intolerance for the poverty I had been so accustomed to (read about my journey towards wealth in Got Her Mind On Her Money). I have realized that my perceived lack of financial wealth was in direct proportion to my perceived lack of self-worth. No wonder I had difficulty accumulating money in the past. I hated myself. Sure I did and continue to do great work in the world, but as long as I felt unworthy, undeserving and not good enough, how the hell was I supposed to draw money to myself? How could I charge what I was worth when I was completely out of touch with it? There was a block and the block was me. It has taken me a long time to peel away the layers that prevented me from seeing myself as I am and to get to this point of self-acceptance. It's a daily exercise, hourly even, as I replace all that junk I accumulated growing up. We all have it, some more than others, and we all have the power to change the tapes.

We are all magnificent but hardly any of us know it. We've been taught not to see it by the world and people around us. A case of the blind leading the blind and what we end up with is a world in pain. Beautiful beings tolerating awful things because they mistakenly believe they deserve it.

Every addiction, dysfunction and neurosis originates from the same place: a feeling of being unworthy and not good enough. It's our separation from our true selves and our true nature, that results in painful relationships, poverty, ill health and more. When we are aligned, we have it all. We are in touch with what feels good and we honour ourselves enough to stay away from the things and people that don't. When we love ourselves, we no longer criticize ourselves. We treat ourselves right. We are no longer drawn to those who abuse us and we no longer accept less than we deserve. That is the mark of a truly powerful person.

Although I believe we are all born in fullness, life's experiences can often shadow it. When that happens, it can take us years, even lifetimes, to find our way back. But sometimes, it can happen in an instant.

So here's to the new life I started living this month because life really does feel brand new. I feel brand new. I feel like I met myself for the first time on January 3, 2012 and boy am I awesome!

And you know what? Considering that depression had been a constant in my life for most of my life and just two months ago I hated myself so much that I wished I was dead, going weeks without one heavy down day is pretty freaking awesome. I just feel good, like all the time. Everything in my life has been balancing out and it's just a dream come true. This is what I have wanted all my life. To feel good enough. And now I do because I know the truth. I am good enough, I am enough, and I am perfect as I am.

And in case no one has told you lately, you are too.

With love,
Mandy xo

www.mandylandrocks.com

P.S. Check out my books and over 300 of my other articles HERE for tons more inspiration!

P.P.S. Inspired by my work and openness? Then please consider supporting it through a financial donation so I can keep writing and inspiring without having to worry about how to make ends meet. There is a PayPal button on the left of this blog. Thank you so much.

The Most Spectacular Show On Earth

2012-01-01T05:05:00.000-08:00

"Life is the most spectacular show on earth." ~Water For Elephants

IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF 2012! WOOHOO!

I don't think I have ever been this excited for a new year to begin! I can just feel the energy pulsating around it and I know that 2012 is going to be the most magnificent year yet! This is the year when it all comes together, when long-standing dreams are finally realized and we get to see the results of all our hard work over the years.

It's a new beginning for each of us, so let's not just make plans for the future, let's celebrate all that has brought us to this point. Without the ups and downs we could not have become this fabulous, so if the years leading up until now have left us longing for so much more, well GOOD, because that's how we discover and eventually claim (and get) what it is we truly want in life.

THE MOST SPECTACULAR SHOW ON EARTH

As stated in Water For Elephants, "Life is the most spectacular show on earth", and I believe there is no mission more important than becoming the star of your own life movie. Meaning, stop looking outward for love, validation, acceptance and purpose. These things are already encoded within us, but so often we are too busy envying the lives, relationships and bodies of others that we neglect to nurture our own.

You deserve the love you crave and you are capable of spoiling yourself with it. Yes your dreams will come true, but in the meantime why not have a love affair with the most important person in your world: YOU! Yes YOU! Fall in love with your body as it is. Fall in love with yourself as you are. Fall in love with the way YOU do things, the way you think, and the unique way you express yourself in the world. Do that and you will have the greatest influence on those around you because what the world needs is more people who love themselves fully. What greater role model could you be for your children, your friends, your lovers, your family and complete strangers? When you model self-love, you teach others by example the greatest lesson they will ever learn.

In your story of life you are the writer, the director, the lead, the producer and if you're really wise, you'll be the audience as well...the witness to your unique story that only you can live and tell. So take stock of your beautiful moment in time through pictures, journals, blogs, collages, or even just in your heart and mind. Create something that you can look back on years from now, when the precious moments you're about to create will become the memories you're so grateful to have collected. You can check out my 2011 Mandyland Year In Review as an example.

However you decide to document your life, you are, in effect, honouring your past and paving the way for your future. Yay you!

CREATING 2012 MANDYLAND STYLE!

On December 30th I hosted CREATING 2012 MANDYLAND STYLE and it was a beautiful experience filled with heart-warming and tear-filled moments that touched us all. We took stock of 2011 and consciously created 2012 by getting clear about what we really wanted and made a Creative Collage that reflected the dreams we wish to manifest. We got the process started together and finished our projects at home, and I have already been sent a few pictures of the completed collages! Yay team!

MY 2012 COLLAGE!

My collage reflects a few dreams but my biggest dream is to meet my one and only. I desire a twin soul partnership with the one who fits me like no other and 2012 seems to be the perfect year for this brilliant man and I to reunite:) On the back of my collage I wrote down my other dreams for the year including becoming debt-free and being more mindful and patient and kind at home with Paige. I also want to spend time each day loving and appreciating myself as I am. Yay!

MY 2012 WISH FOR YOU

Don't wait to be discovered. Discover yourself. Don't aspire to 'make it'. Realize that you already have. Don't wait for something or someone to change. Go after what you want and let others do the same. Don't wait until you're on your death bed to look back and appreciate all that you had. Appreciate what you have now, because now is all we have.

Let 2012 be the year that you show up as radiantly as ever. Be more splendid. More extraordinary. Use every moment to fill yourself up. The cameras may not be on you but the world is watching nonetheless, especially the ones who love you the most. And they need and want you to step into your fullness and shine your light so that they can feel great about shining their own.

Your life is in your hands and the universe is ready to be directed. What is it that you most want for 2012? I mean what do you really, really, really want?! Write it down! Draw it! Collage it! Daydream about it! And watch the miracles line up to match your dreams. Don't worry about the 'how', just get clear on the 'what', and then let life dance its little dance as it perfectly orchestrates the people, places and things that will bring you your heart's desire.

Cheers to a great year and an even greater one to come!

With immense love and gratitude,

Mandy

♥

www.mandylandrocks.com

Creating 2012 Mandyland Style

2011-11-27T23:05:00.001-08:00

The universe gives us as much as we are willing to give ourselves so let's dream BIG together and claim what we truly want in 2012! What better way to bring in the New Year than by celebrating how far we've come and all that awaits?

Join me Friday, December 30, 2011 from 7-10pm to bring in the New Year at the CREATING 2012 MANDYLAND STYLE event! Woohoo! We will take stock of 2011 & consciously create 2012 through fun exercises including the Creative Collage. You can confirm your attendance on the event page on Facebook or by emailing mandy@mandylandrocks.com. Once you confirm you will be given the Mandyland address which is located in Cambridge, Ontario.

Cost is $15 per person. Reduced rate ($10) for college and university students, GOD & DIVA graduates and those who have already paid for an upcoming GOD or DIVA course. $5 for those 15 and under. This event is open to anyone who is interested. Feel free to bring your family or a friend!

Glue sticks, magazines and bristol board for collages will be supplied, and light snacks will be provided care of MANDYLAND & GOD & DIVA Inspirations. Please bring your own beverages. If you have extra magazines you'd like to donate to the event, that would be awesome!

With love,

Mandy

www.mandylandrocks.com

My New Home. My New Life.

2011-11-07T07:10:00.000-08:00

Although I am totally pumped to finally do it, writing today's follow up post to Got Her Mind On Her Money: Fear of Success feels a bit daunting. I have so much to share! Can I adequately capture it all in one post? Hell naw! But I can give you a glimpse:)

For those who have yet to read it, in Fear of Success I talked about a recent and life-transforming session I had with Clutter Coach and Feng Shui Consultant Cecilia Moorcroft of Space For Life. Basically, Cecilia gave me an intense tell-it-like-it-is with regards to my money blocks, and in just under an hour I was well on my way to making significant changes in my life.

AN OVERVIEW

Initially I wanted Cecilia's help with my basement because it was the one area in my home I could not seem to manage properly, but we did most of the work before I even showed it to her. What she would normally spend 3 weeks on with a client, she was doing for me in one short session, and boy was I grateful. After many years of peeling away the layers and preparing for the abundance that I know is my birthright, I was so ready for BIG change! And once Cecilia entered the picture, things seemed to be lined up perfectly for my next chapter.

It has now been two weeks since she was here and I am amazed by all that has transpired since. I not only cleared out my basement in the first 5 days after meeting with her (a major feat because it has been the bane of my existence for the last 8 years), I also tweaked the rest of my beautiful home (even cleaning under the fridge and stove), and redid my garden. This is especially special because I had no intentions of ever doing gardening. I have gardened twice in the time that I've lived here and that was enough for me, but what is wonderful about creating change in one area is that it naturally spreads to all others. I may not love to garden but I do love to make my space beautiful and now that space has expanded to the outside of my home.

Cecilia reminded me that the entrance of our home is where abundance flows to us so it is essential to remove anything that might be blocking it. For me, my blocks included 2 hand-written, unfriendly signs to potential solicitors and paper deliverers, an unswept porch, a dying tree in my disheveled garden, and an unswept pathway leading up to my door. So, I got rid of the signs, swept, and yesterday I transformed my garden.

Here is the before and after picture:)

THE PROCESS OF CLEARING MY BASEMENT

As mentioned, it took me 5 days to go through everything in my basement (including, and most importantly, my deceased mother's things) and get it to the point where I have only what I love or need down there. It is now organized in a way that looks and feels good to me for the first time since I moved in 8 years ago. I do not have before pictures because I never thought to take a picture of something I hated and was embarrassed by, and posting an after photo seems pointless because it means little without the juxtaposition. It looks like a normal basement. Boring yet incredibly significant to me.

Although I did a ton of work down there after meeting Cecilia, my basement has actually been in process for years and I have cleared layers over time with the help of others including an ex, and my friends Kristy, Danielle, Sabrina and Sheena. They have each contributed along the way. The whole basement was not done in 5 days but what remained was certainly fast-tracked because of my readiness, the prep I had already done, and Cecilia's guidance and support.

During those 5 days in what used to be 'hell', 'the dungeon' and 'the bane of my existence', I felt empowered, excited for what was to come, and quite capable of making my dreams come true. What once felt overwhelming now felt manageable and I finally saw a light at the end of this underground tunnel. I had hated our basement for so long and avoided it at all costs that my dream of the day when the floors would be cleared of stuff and I could do laundry without first going through an obstacle course seemed like just that: a dream.

But my dream DID come true, and for anyone reading this who has a cluttered room or other trouble spot that feels impossible to get a handle on, know that you really can change it. You can start with just one item at a time and if you love or need it, keep it. If you don't use it or like it, donate it or throw it out. It's that simple. That's exactly how I went through all of mom's boxes and once I made a decision about the first item, the rest became fun. So fun in fact that I even posted pictures on Facebook of things I was giving away so that my friends could get first dibs before I donated the rest. It felt so liberating to get rid of so many things and I loved when some of them went to people I cared about.

I was sure to keep these though: my first pair of Lee Jeans and my first baby bottle which my mom wrote "Mandy Pandy" on:)

CECILIA'S WISDOM

On the third night of working on the basement I wept like a baby. Certain things I came across brought up some intense feelings and I was both sad and nostalgic amidst the empty boxes. I emailed Cecilia to ask if this was normal. I felt so empty and quite terrified to be honest. I was scared to see what lay on the other side of the clutter. How would things change once it was gone? And would I be ready? Here is some of what Cecilia shared:

Yes! It's totally normal to feel a sense of emptiness. Remember the clutter was there for a reason, you were getting something out of it. Perhaps it's been sitting on some unexpressed emotions or it's been filling up a feeling of emptiness inside. This is the part that takes courage. Sit with the emptiness and see what it brings up. Journal, cry, feel and then see what comes next. This feeling of the void, of emptiness is the feeling that most of us are running away from most of the time. When you can allow yourself to sit with it, then you have a fighting chance to allow what's next to appear, to feel what you really want rather than just surviving, just avoiding pain.

Be brave dear Mandy, feel your feelings and then say a warm welcome to the rest of your life. Compassion, compassion, compassion...

Feel, feel, feel and then feel some more. You'll get through this and the world will look different on the other side. Honour the part that's scared, but don't let it stop you from moving forward. This is worth it, I promise...

I trusted Cecilia's wisdom and cried myself to sleep that night, only to awaken puffy-eyed with a massive headache. But I was on a mission and got back to work right away. My goal was to be done on the Friday and it was now Thursday. I kicked major ass and I got'r done by 2pm the next day. SO FREAKING PROUD! It was now time to celebrate my victory with martinis and dancing. Mmm...martinis. (Below is my newest creation: The Mandyland Martini aka The Hard Mantini)

WHAT I FOUND UNDER MY BASEMENT

As it turns out, clearing out the basement was not my final destination. I thought it was and believed that all my goodies would come to me immediately after I was finished it, but alas, this was not the case. With the clutter of the basement out of the way, what remained was the one thing that has plagued me for much of my life but I had yet to face: my self-hate. This, I discovered, was the underlying issue of anything I have struggled with, including the basement clutter, and sadly it is a legacy that was passed on to me by my mother.

After I finished the basement and celebrated, it was only a matter of days before I was in a dark space and completely discounting all the work I had just done. I still felt like a failure on many fronts (especially as a parent and as a provider), and wondered why I was feeling so shitty after doing something so great. Then I realized this was not new. I habitually follow each success with a hearty dose of self-abuse and then wonder why I struggle to move forward in certain areas.

With this tortured reality colouring so much of how I perceive myself, it is no wonder that I have struggled to feel worthy of everything wonderful. I can easily accept certain forms of abundance yet strongly resist others and my goal is to be equally open to all of it. So, last week I sought the support I need in order to change these destructive inner tapes and am ready to blossom even more fully. I have done so much inner work over the past 16 years and this just feels like the perfect next step.

And, because I have experienced it many times before, I already know how great life can be and how fabulous I can feel when I see myself clearly. I think if any one of us loved and saw ourselves as we truly are, day in and day out, we would be able to accomplish anything in life. I also believe that lack of self-worth is at the root of all dysfunction, addictions, and issues and it is our self-hate or criticism that blinds us to our own beauty. Therefore, self-love and acceptance is the solution. Easier said than done, I know, but it is possible to love ourselves a bit more each day and to begin talking to ourselves the way we would talk to our best friend.

Only those closest to me know about the unfortunate dialogue I often have with myself which results in a darkness that leads me to want to give up on life more often than I'd like to admit. What matters however, is that I am still here and every once in a while I realize I am quite wonderful.

I certainly have been cutting off the flow of abundance with my limiting beliefs, but now that I know that, I can change it. I can start to really give myself the kind of love and support I give to others so freely and I can challenge the false beliefs I was raised with. I can leave my mother's sad legacy behind and honour us both by creating a new reality that she never lived to see but was striving to live in her own way. I have done so much already so I can surely do this. What is now unfolding is nothing more than a natural progression of what I am here to do. It's the next logical step.

I LOVE MY HOME SO MUCH!

Even before the basement and garden transformations I absolutely loved my home and now I love it even more:) The basement finally fits with the rest of my home and the garden feels like a Mandy creation fo sho. So simple and pretty. I love it! And now that my whole home is how I've always wanted it to be, I am going to enjoy what I've created and bask in the expanded space, its beauty and the possibilities. It wasn't that long ago when much of my home was chaotic and now I maintain it with ease. I have been working towards this for years and here I am! WOOHOO!

WHAT'S NEXT?

Gee, I don't know but I am super excited and have been inspired to do some wonderful things that I think will lead to something great! I feel like I have been moving the cosmos over the past two weeks and I trust that amazing things are on their way. I know I have shifted many things at a core and physical level and since all things are made up of energy I know have succeeded in stirring up the metaphysical pot. I removed a ton of resistance, a number of blocks, and have given myself more reasons to smile. I also grew to love myself more fully. All of this goodness combined will definitely lead to more awesomeness in Mandyland so I'm really not too picky as to how it manifests. I will accept it all!:) Cecilia was SOOOO right! The world DOES look different on this side of things. It's all so clean and clear and completely fabulous!

Yay!

With love,
Mandy

www.mandylandrocks.com

Tough Love For My Ladies

2011-10-21T10:31:00.000-07:00

Alright, ladies. Let's get a few things straight, shall we?

You're a beautiful woman.
You deserve a beautiful life.
That's all there is to it.

~Water For Elephants

What more do you need to know?

Lots more, apparently. As I listen to my girlfriends complain about, suffer from, cry over or feel less than the men in their lives, I realize that even though we know better, we rarely act on that knowing. I too have been through it all myself and it was hell every time, so I figure it's time to set the record straight about boys and girls and love and moving on in the hopes that at least one woman will command more for herself after reading this. Please note that I am going to be quite direct and maybe you won't like or agree with my views and that's ok. These are my opinions; not gospel.

Without further adieu, here is my stream of consciousness list of what's important to remember as you navigate the world of lust and love. No particular order. Just writing them as they enter my mind.

Mandy's Top 20 Reminders To Help You Not Get Caught Up In A Bullshit Dynamic With A Guy + A Personal Story

1. See movie quote above. Believe it.

2. A man worthy of you leaves no room for you to wonder how he feels about you or where you are at in the relationship. His actions tell you everything. As do his words and the way you feel when you're around him.

3. If he has another, he is off limits and an asshole for engaging with you in a flirty way behind his woman's back. If you respond to his advances, you too are an asshole because you not only reduced your worth by doing so, you also dishonoured another female in the process as you supported this man's indiscretions.

4. If you're not hearing from him, he's not interested. Move on. No buts. (Read my story below for an example on how to do this)

5. If you are not ok with something he has said or done and you don't express it and he continues to do it, you have no right to complain. If you do express it and he doesn't care, he is an asshole and you'd be a dummy to stick around. If he says he will change and doesn't, see previous sentence.

6. If you're crying over him, he's not the one.

7. If he does not respond to your texts, calls, FB messages, take the hint. Redeem this temporary blow to your ego by NOT texting, calling, FBing him again. Every time you make contact after it is clear the interest is not mutual, you further reduce your feelings of self-worth and increase the feelings of pain and rejection you are seeking to relieve through your misplaced attention on him.

8. Guy/girl relations are not rocket science. Things are pretty straight forward unless you're the one in it. So here's you're marker: if you are spending all your time talking about a guy and it's NOT about how great he treats you, how wonderful he makes you feel and how you feel like the luckiest woman in the world, then you're wasting your time on the guy you're talking about. He ain't it. Move on.

9. We attract what we are. If you constantly attract emotionally unavailable men, it might be time to be honest with yourself about how ready (or not ready) you are for big love. Do the inner work instead of working on a crap relationship or trying to fix someone else. Martyrs aren't hot, FYI. Save yourself and let the rest fall where it may.

10. If something doesn't feel right, it isn't.

11. Your feelings are your direct route to knowing what is good for you. Every woman who has ever been in a shitty relationship can look back and find the precise moment they knew this guy was bad news. If they had heeded their inner wisdom, they would have said no thanks and moved on instead of justifying things, invalidating their intuition, making accommodations for the guy and thereby saying yes to garbage.

12. You can start a new chapter in this moment if you really want to no matter what situation you are in. We all eventually get to a point of no return anyways, when we can no longer accept things as they are and we finally feel ready to make a change. You decide when that will be. No one else. Do you want more hours, days, months, or years caught in something that you know in your heart is less than you deserve? Of course not. So do what you need to do to put your well-being at the top of your list. That might mean counselling, a class, reading, talking to your partner or a friend, being honest with yourself, writing out your truth, etc. There are many ways to come back home to what you've always known.

12. If he invalidates your feelings and disregards your needs, he is dick. Respect yourself enough to move on.

13. Men are smart. Boys are dumb. The world is filled with boys posing as men so don't be fooled. A good man respects ALL women and treats you like a queen. Boys are not mature enough to support, let alone appreciate, a woman in her fullness.

14. If the guy is not the whole package how do you expect him to recognize that you are? There is no way he can see you clearly so stop trying to get your fill from a guy who is incapable of meeting you where you are.

15. I know you think you need him but you don't. I know you believe you need answers but you don't. At least not from him. You might even think that if you just change this or that about yourself then things will be fine and he will love you. Are you fucking kidding me? If you are not being loved for who you are then you are in the wrong relationship. Period. I promise you that you are perfect just the way you are and the right guy will be praising the heavens each morning for your existence in his life.

16. Quit blaming the men for how they do you wrong. You teach people how to treat you. If you accept crap, you will get it. If you love and respect yourself, others will love and respect you in kind. You get to set the standard in your life. If you're dating a jerk you need to quit bitching and start figuring out why the hell you're still with him.

17. Instead of asking "what did I do wrong?", "why isn't he calling me?", "does he like me?", ask yourself these questions: Does this feel good to me? Is this what I want? Do I like him? Do I like what's going on? Do I want more of this in my future? Does he make my toes curl?:)

18. You have the right to say no to anything at any moment no matter what has happened in the past or what is currently going on. It's your life. It's your body. Get it? Your feelings. Your heart. Your choice. No matter what anyone says.

19. Self-love is the only proven remedy to live a douchebag-free life. When you truly love yourself there is no way you'll allow yourself to enter a shitty relationship, job, or experience. You will be radiating so much beauty that only good comes your way, or even if the odd shitty thing does show up, your innate awesomeness will deflect it ASAP. Crappy things just won't have the power to stick to you any longer because you're hot as the sun, yo!

20. Again, "You're a beautiful woman. You deserve a beautiful life. That's all there is to it."

MY BOY STORY. IMMA BREAK IT DOWN FOR YA.

So about a week and a half ago I went on a date with a guy we will call Sam. It was a Sunday. Our connection was instantaneous and after four hours of stimulating conversation over a martini and a glass of wine, I was high as a kite on good vibes. Even after the date we talked for an hour in his car outside of my place. We were both in awe over how effortless our connection was, how we felt like we could talk about anything openly, and we couldn't believe that our values were so in sync. It felt wonderful.

Talking to him was like talking to my best friend. It felt safe. It felt good. And it made me see myself more clearly. I felt understood, valued, respected and admired by him. I felt expanded from our interaction, as did he, and we decided that night that we would both like a second date and agreed on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Before I left the car he gave me a kiss on the cheek which only made a perfect night even more perfect, and within minutes of us departing we texted each other about how amazing the date was and how we both couldn't wait to see one another again. I was in heaven. I thought maybe this was it. Had I just met my match?

Not only was Sam incredibly intelligent, he was also sensitive, a fabulous listener, perceptive and kind. He had been through a lot in life and at 26 he had just written his LSAT and would soon be off to law school. He was gorgeous, fit, stylish, wealthy and sweet, and like me, he challenged the status quo, hypocrisy and ignorance. He was a man after my own heart because for me there is nothing greater than a great mind that actually gets it, if you know what I mean. I was the first date he had that was not dumbfounded when things got intellectual. It was just so easy to talk to and understand one another. I loved it all.

I went to bed and woke up with a smile.

I didn't hear from him at all on Monday. This was quite the disappointment given that I was especially eager to reconnect after such a beautiful evening. And experience has shown me that when a man wants a woman, he makes it known. He is not content to let time pass, even a day, when he comes across someone magnificent. He would be a fool to leave a space for another man to enter. So I already knew this was not heading where I had hoped it would. If Sam had felt as I did the night before, we would have been messaging already. When you know, you know, and I thought I knew, but that knowing was not reciprocated. That was my answer. We were not on the same page.

On Tuesday afternoon Sam messages me asking when he can see me again, not knowing I had basically closed that door. My kid and my girlfriends encouraged me to give him another shot however because he seemed like such a great guy and maybe he was just being shy and thought I was busy and or/didn't want to bug me. I didn't agree. Even if it really was that he was shy then he wasn't the guy for me anyways because I need and want a man who goes after what he wants and can hold his own. The fact is, he had it in him to ask me out and arrange the date so he could definitely handle a little follow up message the next day too. Just sayin'.

Despite me knowing this, I feared that my friends were right and I did not want to fuck up what did feel like a real connection so I went against my gut and said yes to him taking me out for dinner. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt in case I really am the asshole I appear to be with men. He said he was looking forward to it, I said I was too, and I never heard from him after that, if you can believe it. I was under the impression we were going out that night, but he did not set the time and I wasn't about to ask because fuck you, you're the one taking me out. So I closed that door once again. This time for good.

Fast forward 9 days and he messages me wondering if I'm free this weekend because he'd love to see me again. That was yesterday. Here was my response:

*
hey "sam",

i was very open to date number two when we last connected, but after you didn't follow up with it and i didn't hear from you i figured we were done and closed that door. sorry, i don't really want to pick up where we left off. i wanted something that just moved forward.

mandy

*

Sam responded to this kindly and now that chapter is complete.

I am sharing all of this because I think it is one good example on how to discern if something is working for you and how to set a boundary if it isn't. All too often we females get caught up in the parts that might feel great with a guy while disregarding the things that don't. We all want love but we really shouldn't have to sacrifice a part of ourselves to get it. Notice how I didn't berate Sam for a thing. All I did was draw a line in the sand and claim my truth. It is not our job to school anybody. Our job is to honour ourselves.

I could have easily been like most people I know and just be content with a smart, hot guy who has the means (financially at least) to make my life even richer, but at what expense? I wait around for him to decide when he feels like dropping me a line? Really? I don't think so. I'd rather eat KD and keep my integrity than eat a steak with a guy who obviously isn't into me enough to want regular contact.

I am worth much, much more than that. So are you.

I want the guy who can't wait to see me and talk to me and take me out and kiss me and make love to me. Not the one who can't even follow up with date number two. Give me a break. That was merely a sign of what's to come and I am not gonna be the chick who signs up for more.

Having said all this, I am not opposed to casual dating. I don't think every date needs to be 'the one'. When Sam asked me out I wasn't looking for the one, I was actually eager to date a number of men at the same time. But after our incredible connection I felt like I had found what I wanted ultimately and therefore I was more than happy to forgo my previous plan in order to put my energy towards this. Clearly Sam did not feel the same way and that's ok. How can I fault him for not being my match? I can't. All I can do is keep the space for the one who is.

Rock on.

With love,
Mandy xo

www.mandylandrocks.com

MANDYLAND Won The 5K PKG Because Of You! Woohoo!

2011-09-21T22:54:00.000-07:00

After 2 long weeks of daily voting in the WE Mastermind 5K Dream Business Start Up Contest I am so thrilled to announce that MANDYLAND came in top spot! WOOHOO! Things finally came to an end Monday at midnight after an insane competition, especially in the final hours. I was head to head with a fellow competitor (J-Flo) for the full two weeks and things only got more crazy after 11pm on the final night. At one point I was down by 11, then up by 6, then tied and down again. It was excruciating to watch for me and my supporters but when the clock struck 12, me and my crew squealed with delight because I had won by a mere 3 votes. Crazy!!

Since this victory would not have been possible without the efforts of so many, I want to take an opportunity to thank everyone who contributed over the past 2 weeks with daily voting, sharing the link on their page, putting up with my incessant reminders to vote, and being there in the final hour to take MANDYLAND to the top. You all were so amazing!

I would also like to thank a few people/groups individually because I especially could not have succeeded without them. Please keep in mind that it would be impossible for me to name everyone who made a difference in this contest because there were hundreds of you. I was surrounded by countless angels throughout the entire process, all of which impacted the success of this contest, so please do not feel slighted if you are not named here. You were just as integral as anyone else. xo

Without further adieu, an extra special shout out goes to...

WE MASTERMIND & CONTEST ENTRANTS

The benefit of entering the Women Entrepreneurs Mastermind contest was that I was forced to get clear on my mission an get serious about taking my work to the next level. The launch of WE Mastermind was the inspiration and motivation I needed to crystalize my vision, articulate what I am here to offer this world, present my work as a unified whole, and harness the immense support around me by encouraging my friends, fans, family and followers to participate in the 5K Contest. There was finally a push to think even BIGGER and put myself out there in a more visible way. MANDYLAND was conceived through Facebook, spilled over into blogs, and now I am ready to take it beyond these things.

I would also like to congratulate every woman who entered this contest for having the courage to follow her dreams and passion. Most people don't possess this gift and keep their ambitions hidden from themselves and the world. Therefore, each of us who submitted our work and ideas through this very public form are, in my opinion at least, great examples of daring to go for it. Yay us!

Lastly, I would like to share that although I am grateful and very honoured to have won this contest, I am acutely aware that the number of votes hardly reflected whose business idea was the best or who was most deserving of the 5K start up package. It simply showed who was most effective at recruiting online support. Not everyone who entered had the resources available to them to generate the votes needed to win, which is why I think a contest based solely on votes isn't really that fair. Janet (J-Flo) and I had the advantage because we both have an established online presence which made it much easier for us to spread the word and collect votes. That being said, I do feel that my work is deserving of the support I received through the contest and the support I will receive through the 5K start up package, but I did just want to acknowledge that those who had less votes were no less deserving.

FACEBOOK

Even though I periodically curse and remove myself from this social network, I do appreciate the good that can happen through it. My pages and my personal account are valuable tools that help me connect with like-minded individuals, share my work, make people laugh, inspire change and receive support when I am in need. This FB contest served to bring people together for a collective mission which actually deepened my trust and faith in humanity. Yes it's only FB but because of it I have more support than I ever dreamed possible.

MANDYLAND SUPPORTERS

This includes my friends, family, fans, followers and every single person who reads, watches or listens to my work, is part of any or all of my pages, who likes me, loves me or is inspired by me, and those who are appreciative of who I am and what I do. It is because of you all that I feel confident enough to write the things I write, say the things I say, and go for the things I want. Your feedback makes me stronger, lets me know I am on the right track, and picks me up when I am down. I feel so incredibly supported by you in a way that I certainly didn't experience growing up, and it makes me feel like I can do anything in the world! So thank you. I may not have met most of you in person but I feel deeply connected to you through cyber space and I want you to know that you impact my day as much as I impact yours.

AMBER LONG

I know she would rather remain anonymous for her contribution because she's just that kind of awesome, but I really want to thank my dear friend Amber for the MANDYLAND PROMO VIDEO she recorded at my place right before the contest started. It was entirely her idea and she made it happen just because she believed in me and the work that I do. I had so much fun under her direction and the result was incredible. Everyone loved how fun it was and I especially loved that she used a song by Lykke Li in it knowing that LL is my very favourite artist EVER! Thank you, my love

FLEDGLING ARTS COLLECTIVE (UK)

I have a very soft spot in my heart for Fledgling Arts Collective in the UK because its ethos is one that resonates with my soul. Founded by the lovely Jewels Johnson, FAC provides a platform both online and offline for those with mental health problems, addictions, or those who feel like they don't quite 'fit', to express themselves through art as catharsis. It is one of the most inclusive, loving and supportive online environments I have ever witnessed and the support of its members is a major reason why MANDYLAND made it to top spot. Through its FB page of almost 3000 members, Jewels led her fellow fledglings daily to vote for a woman they never met but whose mission they believed in. They rallied together in ways I never expected and I was completely amazed each day. I was welcomed, supported, encouraged and cared for. I soon realized that this contest was as important to them as it was to me (like wow!) and it was such a gift to have all these creative and generous beings by my side. Of course there are too many to name, but thank you to each of you for all that you did to make this happen. BIG thanks to Jewels especially for leading us all to victory through nothing but love. xo www.fledglingarts.org

DAILY VOTERS

You set the foundation for this contest. Whoever you are, thank you so much. 2 weeks was too long so I sincerely appreciate your daily commitment to something that had very little to do with you. Thank you for caring, for your efforts, for being moved enough by what I do to take time out of your day to contribute to the numbers.

LAST MINUTE VOTERS AKA MIRACLE WORKERS

For those who watched the contest in the final hour you will know exactly what I'm talking about. People moved cyber mountains to get me the votes I needed to win each time I posted an update on the score. People who never thought they'd vote, those who were anti-apps, and even those who had been annoyed with me for the duration of the contest, were scrambling to get their votes in and were posting the link on their walls and their friends wall just to recruit more support. One friend begged her ex to help and he actually voted AND posted the link on his wall knowing nothing about me but trusting that it must be important if she's contacting him about it.

I had another woman who couldn't access the link through her phone so she sent me her email and password so that I could vote on her behalf. This was a woman I had only ever met once. Can you believe it!?! People whom I never even thought followed my work were messaging me telling me that they just voted and got their friends to vote. I was in awe over the activity that surrounded me and when we made it to the top by midnight I know I wasn't the only one who felt absolutely amazing! We all won this together. It really was a community effort and I still can't believe all the miracles that took place in the final hours that led to our victory. Thank you everyone. You are each a part of my success.

MY ELECTION PARTY AKA THOSE WHO CAME TO MY PLACE TO WATCH THE COUNTDOWN AND SUFFER RIGHT ALONG WITH ME

Jolene, Steve, Kirsandra, Christen and Irwin, thank you so much for coming to my last minute CAKE PARTY and being there for the last half hour of torture and the moment of OMFG!!! WE DID IT!!!! It was soooooo intense in my kitchen as we went minute to minute posting numbers on updates and counting down to midnight. None of us were at ease. We are all wound up tight and I was shaking near the end as it all came to a close. When we realized that MANDYLAND was the winner, holy shit. I screamed SOOO loud and smiled SOOO big and clapped and jigged and hugged my friends and then kicked them out immediately (and temporarily) so that I could concentrate on writing an update for everyone who had been following along the whole time.

Nothing could replace the high of sharing the news with those who wanted to see me winning and of those who had participated just moments before and make this possible. How amazing is that to know that your vote was THAT important! It was. Thank you so much everyone. And thank you to Melissa who came by after 7 hrs of partying to celebrate with me after everyone had left. Needless to say, I partied hard and was useless all of Tuesday. Rock on.

Thank you EVERYONE for an intense but incredible experience that I will never forget. What a trip it was. ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!!

With immense love and gratitude,

Mandy
xo

WOOHOO!!!!

P.S.

MANDYLAND IS...

For those who voted for me and have no idea why (lol), here is a glimpse of what MANDYLAND is comprised of so that you know what your votes were supporting. This is just a brief overview but you can check out the full story here: www.mandylandrocks.com

1. GODS & DIVAS (Personal Transformation Classes)

2. SEXPOT STUDIO (Personal Transformation Videos)

3. HUMANITY PHOTOGRAPHY (You will LOVE it!)

4. MANDYLAND RADIO ON ITUNES (Talk radio that inspires, entertains and educates)

5. MANDYLAND COLUMN IN ECHO WEEKLY (Promotion for independent businesses, creative geniuses and other forms of awesome)

6. MANDYLAND MUSINGS (Writings From The Heart)

7. MANDYLAND AWESOME AWARDS (If you're awesome, you win!)

8. THE POET & THE BUTTERFLY (A Non-Fiction Soul Story)

9. HER HAPPY HIGHNESS (My Blog)

10. MODELLING (My Portfolio)

Go to www.mandylandrocks.com to connect with Mandyland Rocks on Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, iTunes and Tumblr.

P.P.S. I won 5K in services not cash so stop asking me for money!!! LOL!!

The Biggest Block To Abundance: You!

2011-09-18T13:54:00.001-07:00

When it comes to abundance (or lack thereof) in your life, it is good to remember that you are completely in charge of its flow (or lack thereof). It is also good to understand how you might be preventing yourself from experiencing the things you truly desire because you are the only thing coming between your dream and your realization of it. It's true.

Blaming external circumstances and other people for all the ways you are limiting yourself is missing the mark. They have nothing to do with your ability to create the things you most want and they are merely a reflection of where you're at in this moment. Once you make an inner shift and go for more of what you want, the things and people that drive you nutty will either change as well to match the new you, or they will completely drop out of your life. Fancy that:)

Now let's get to work. Want to know if you're in line with your desires? Here's a test: If you don't have the things you want, you're not in line with receiving them. It's really that simple. The solution: align yourself with the things you want by feeling the way you will feel when you have them. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. And when you do that consistently enough, the things you desire cannot help but flow directly to you.

If your thoughts are not abundant and loving and you feel broke and miserable all the time, well then you will experience more instances in your life to support your poverty-driven thoughts and feelings. If you switch them up however to a higher vibration that is more in line with what you actually want to experience (wealth, peace, harmonious relationships), you are then in a position to receive what you are now in line with.

You need to FEEL abundant, wealthy, in love, famous, healthy, fit etc BEFORE the money, the lover, the health, the paparazzi and your tight new body gets here. Stop thinking poor, fat, unworthy thoughts if you truly want to experience the opposite. Walk around as if. Talk as if. Live as if. Feel as if, and the universe cannot help but meet you where you are and adorn you with the people, places and things that will ultimately take you to where you now choose to go.

If you're like most people, you have been practicing limited and negative thinking and feeling for long enough. To hell with it! Practice something new. Believe you can get there form here. You can! Bazillions of people have been doing it forfreakingever and they have nothing that you don't except the desire and the belief that their dreams are possible.

You can do this, hottie. You've been doing it all your life. Everything in your world is proof of your ability to manifest. Everything. So what have you been manifesting? Bad relationships? Financial troubles? Unemployment? Poor health? If so, so what! It's a new moment and you can start to change your script right now. You can think new thoughts. You can do new things. You can be grateful for all that has brought you to this point and just lovingly release it to make way for your brand new kickass experience.

You can have it all. If you don't believe that, you're right. So believe you can and get ready to ride the universal wave to the life you know you want. The life you dream about. The life you're creating at this very moment by feeling what it's like to live it in all its glory.

Ignore the bank account, the scale, the lonely Saturday nights, the discouraging words of others and prepare yourself for the life you deserve. If you don't believe you are worthy of all that is good well then there's the issue right there. That is what you need to heal if you want it all because not feeling good enough assures that what you want will always remain beyond your reach.

If you know it's yours and you know you deserve it just as much as anyone else, regardless of what is going on around you, well honey you best prepare for your windfall because you are exactly where you need to be to receive it.

BOOM!

With love,

Mandy
xo

www.mandylandrocks.com

Kill Me Now

2011-09-13T19:11:00.000-07:00

So as many of you know, I am currently entered in the WE Mastermind 5K Contest hoping to take MANDYLAND to the next level. It is Day 10 of voting with 5 more days to go, and quite frankly, it drives me nuts. After checking the numbers last night, I decided that I am no longer going to do so for the duration of the contest. Of course I will see how many votes I have when I cast my own vote each day, but I won't be checking beyond that and I am done checking my competitor's votes as well. Peace of mind matters more than keeping score so I will just remain focused on the things I actually do have control over. Things like my own happiness, asking for people to vote daily, and continuing my soul's work while the contest does its thing.

Whether someone votes or not, or whether I win or not, is completely out of my hands. My only job in any aspect of life is to show up as fully as possible each day with the goal of staying centered in my truth. The universe does the rest. I have watched as others get aggressive with certain goals over the years but it is not something I wish to emulate at all. Been there, done that, and all it ever created was stress along the way. I'd much rather be in the flow of life and lack of resistance is the only way to achieve that.

When I entered this contest my goal was not to win but to enter this contest. I believed my work was worthy of greater exposure and additional support. And each day my goal is to remind people to vote (if they are so inclined) with as much excitement as I can muster for the cause. I keep them updated on where I'm at in the contest and then it's up to them. I let the rest go.

If my goal is to win, then I will be upset or disappointed if I don't, and this is why I like to stay centered in who I am despite the externals. I try my best not to get too caught up in, or overly attached to, the things that come and go. I prefer to delight in the formless and operate from there. It's much more fun and light and lovely. And it's a much more powerful stance than to allow external conditions to define or validate you. I'd rather define and validate myself.

My well being was not dependent on winning the Literary Award I was nominated for in June. A nomination is great, but an award is always based on certain criteria which can hardly reflect everything adequately. It's a snapshot of a person's body of work in most cases, which is pretty limited. It also means there are winners and losers, which I never enjoy, but that's just how the masses have set things up. And so what. There are other options. Like the Mandyland Awesome Award where everyone wins no matter what. That's my kind of award. Who are we to deem someone worthy or not based on some arbitrary collection of information?

But alas, everyone loves winning. It makes them feel good. And worthy. And special. And validated. And appreciated. Yet when you already feel these things, you hardly need an award to do the job. The award is just a bonus. A nice recognition but nowhere near a reflection of all that you are capable of.

So this awareness is part of my internal dilemma each day as I ask people to vote for me in this contest. Yes I would love the opportunity to take my work to the next level, hence my reason for entering and my reason for posting about it a few times a day, but I certainly don't want to sell my soul in the process (and I do fear I'll be going to hell for inflicting this daily torture on the masses). Winning this contest (or anything for that matter) is not the be-all and end-all to my life or my career. I am going exactly where I am meant to go with or without the 5K business package. This is simply one experience along my path to greater abundance.

My winning this contest or not is based only on the number of votes and it really can't get anymore basic or superficial than that. The set up lacks depth and substance which is my biggest discomfort, and the only way I have found to alleviate that is to have fun along the way, engage my supporters in a light manner, and be grateful for the incredible level of support people have shown me through this process.

For someone with an aversion to politics on the whole, I sure have picked an interesting thing to get involved in because this contest mirrors a small scale election of sorts. You rally and get people tuned into your mission with the hopes that they will vote for you so that you can take that mission and apply it in a much bigger way. Seems fair enough, right? The guy with the most votes wins. I get it. I just don't agree with it.

Without going into too much detail about my personal views on politics (this quote by George E. MacDonald will give you a clue as to how I feel about it: "It is not in the nature of politics that the best men should be elected. The best men do not want to govern their fellowmen."), I will just say this: numbers do not count for much. At least not in Mandyland.

The things that are of real value cannot be measured except by the level of peace one feels in life, the depth and quality of connection one feels both with oneself and others, and the ability to touch and improve the lives of others. As if there is a scale to measure these things. There isn't, but these are my indicators for how well I'm doing in life, which includes my conduct in this contest.

Now that I am in the top two with another female, this contest has simply become about the numbers each day and our ability to keep them up and above the other. In the end (which is Monday, and it can't come soon enough!) our success depends more on our ability to convince people to vote for us than it does about the quality of the submission and mission, which kinda blows. Our fate is tied to something completely arbitrary, and not at all reflective of what we are capable of doing beyond recruiting people to our mission.

If I had less of a presence on Facebook I would have had no shot in hell in this contest I'm sure, yet my submission would have been the same. It just would have fallen behind the ones with greater marketing abilities. Welcome to the modern world where those with the most buzz win.

I'd like to think that MANDYLAND has risen to the top because of the relationship between me and my fans, followers, friends and family, that has been developing over a period of years and that I am being supported (hopefully) because these people value my work, trust my vision and want to see me do well and more.

Blind loyalty isn't what I'm after because that's no different than blindly following politicians and religion, both of which I abhor. Anyone who knows me and what I'm about will know how much I value and encourage the ability to think critically. So if you're voting for me without really knowing why, then thanks for the support but you're missing the point. Team MANDYLAND is about truth, independent thought, accountability, fun, authenticity, inner power, beautiful breasts and the courage to be yourself. If you value these things as well, that's awesome. Cast your vote!

If not, it's ok. You're entitled. If you're not into me or what I offer, that's fine too. Go to where you're drawn and do what you need to do. We are all free to follow our hearts wherever they may lead. Your joy awaits. And mine is already here:)

With love,

Mandy
xo

The Boys of Mandyland

2011-09-07T20:38:00.000-07:00

Well this should be a fun post! Tonight I was contemplating the various experiences (dating and otherwise) that I have had with men over the past number of years and overall it made me giggle. Sometimes it's nice to reflect and see how far you've come from the person you used to be, and to realize that the people or things you were once so drawn to, would never even show up on your radar anymore because of how much you've changed and grown.

Every experience (romantic or otherwise) shapes us, forces us to grow, takes us in a new direction and becomes part of our life story regardless of how small the impact. We are never the same after a 'failed' relationship, heart break, a wild night of lovemaking, sex with the one we love, the first "I love you", the first kiss, or the one who got away. We all have our own sacred stories, many of which most others are not privy to.

Matters of the heart are often complicated and confusing and leave us bitching to our friends or reading "He's Just Not That Into You" once again in an effort to appease our frustrated spirit and figure out what the hell went wrong. That is of course until we come across that one person who finally fits, if you believe in that kinda thing, and I do, most definitely, even though he has yet to come.

As for the title of the post, I am using the term boy with a hint of humour but also to state something that I have come to understand over the past while: I have yet to meet (well date) a man. Meaning, a gentleman who has the ability to rise up in order to meet me where I am. The boys of the past (and I use that term lightly), although lovely in many respects, were, as Toni Braxton states, "not man enough for me". Clearly we weren't a fit or we'd be together, plain and simple, but when my heart was tied into these gents it was actually complicated as hell.

I loathe to count the minutes, hours, days, months and years I have spent in twisted dynamics leading to nowhere because I couldn't seem to pull myself out of the tangled web of love, lust, stupidity and/or addiction to a particular beau. I know we have all been there to some degree, but holy shit. With all that energy I directed towards writing about, talking about, obsessing about this guy or that, I could have earned myself another degree, maybe written another book or two, or at the very least, spent those weekends NOT in tears.

Thankfully, here I am now free of such drama. I am tied to no one (energetically or emotionally) in a way that drains me of vital life force, clarity, sanity or well-being. I am in the clear for now and can only hope that this will continue for years to come as I become increasingly more apt at getting the hell outta dodge upon discovering when something just isn't right and acting accordingly.

I feel more centered and clear than I have ever felt in my life, and I am so grateful to be in a place where the things that once caused me the most grief have finally, through much time and healing, made their way into the past once and for all. No longer at the forefront of my experience, I am now more free than ever to welcome a new kind of love into my life and damn skippy I'm excited!

My current state is one of relaxed anticipation. I am open to love but certainly not desperate for it. Ready for what's to come but not attached to how it does because my heart will know when and if it's right.

I love not knowing when or how my next great love affair will unfold, trusting completely that I will meet the perfect person at the perfect time and in the most perfect way possible. And by perfect person I mean my imperfect king who is perfectly suited to me. Can I get a hell yeah?! After a few years of riding an emotional roller coaster from hell, I am more than happy to begin a new chapter free of those past experiences.

As for the boys who helped get me to this point, I owe them a huge thank you. Thank you for the memories, the strife, the joys, the frustrations, for not being what I wanted, for giving me all you could, for giving up, not giving up, and giving me a reason to want more for myself. Thank you for all the ways you pissed me off so that I could get clear on what I truly wanted, and thank you especially for loving and supporting me the way you did, because it made me into even more. I release you, I forgive you, I adore you, and I wish you each nothing less than utter joy in life.

As I sit here on my couch with a smile on my face and in my heart, there is no place I would rather be physically, emotionally or spiritually. I feel at peace, whole and complete, and for the first time in a long time I am not consumed by thoughts of the guy I have been holding on to for what has felt like an eternity. It was only yesterday that I noticed the absence. And today it was confirmed. I have finally moved on. What a sweet freedom it is to no longer want the one who stopped caring long before I did.

So goodbye to him; the one who spent the better part of a year just trying to see me once more (and willing to drive 7 hours to do so), and goodbye to the one who wouldn't even drive 25 minutes to spend a night with me. Goodbye to the one who made me feel sick to my stomach, and to the other one who gave my kid the heebie-jeebies with his presence. Goodbye to the one who lied about his age not one, not two, not three, but four times before he got it right, and to my beloved Polish Prince who never went through with the first date. Silly boy.

Goodbye to the one from long ago who entered our home when I wasn't there, read my journal without my permission and then called me to give me shit about its contents. Now that's a keeper;) And goodbye to the one I asked out yesterday and gave my number to who decided to not even call. My friends deemed him an idiot because hey, I'm pretty awesome. But while that might be true, it doesn't mean I am every man's cup of tea. I know, I know. So very hard to believe, but alas, it's true.

Mandyland is certainly not for everyone, and it's definitely not for the boys. It takes some pretty huge balls to master and remain in Mandyland beyond one or two dates, that's for sure. People are often surprised that a woman like me is even single in the first place and can't understand any man who wouldn't do whatever it takes to be with someone like me. But let's be honest here. A woman worthy of having and keeping requires a man who feels worthy of such a thing, and that man must be prepared to be the kind of man that that kind of woman could truly fall in love with. This is no small task. If it were I would already be taken.

And if I was content with a sub-par relationship or something that merely fits on one or two levels, I'm sure I would still be wasting my precious life with whomever came before, but I am not because I can't. Can you blame me for holding out for the one who'll make my toes curl? Beyond more than just a few hours? I want and deserve it all and that's precisely why I'll get it. I don't care what other people put up with in their own lives because I don't want anyone else's life. I am the star of Mandyland and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have created my life through years of trial and error and I am superbly happy with the results.

So when it comes to love, it has got to be BIG. It has got to be worthy of my time and attention and it has got to feel right from the start. I don't fuck around. Life is too short to twiddle one's thumbs hoping and wondering and filling it with maybes and what ifs. I'm here to live as fully as I can and if some day soon or in the future I am blessed with a man who enhances every area of my life through his spirit, presence and love, well then sign me up!

Life feels wonderful right now because the possibilities are endless. There are so many new experiences to be had and I really do feel like I am starting a brand new life where the past is no longer dragging me down in any way. It's not very often I have been able to say such a thing so I am incredibly grateful for it.

I do suppose that this post is my way of bringing closure to a very long and intense chapter of my life, one that I loved more than I didn't, but even so, I wouldn't trade anything from it for the contentment I feel in this moment.

Life is good. It's ALL good.

With love,

Mandy xo

Post Script

After I posted this piece on Facebook a friend commented on it with this little bit of wisdom: "I have a theory about my 2 beautiful, talented single girlfriends. They are on paths that are really extraordinary - one is in art and the other is in healing. I believe that 'the man' would be a distraction. When you need all your energy in one place, it would definitely be a drainer. Boys on the side for now." I love it. And as I said to her in response, I have come to the same conclusion, but only recently. Life experience, especially over the last year or two, has taught me exactly what she just mentioned. And I would take this particular path over the romantic one fo sho because this is the work I was born to do and I cannot afford to have something or someone in my life that distracts me from my mission. Either they enhance it or they gotta go. I learned the hard way how energetically expensive it was to maintain things with guys that were less than fucking incredible on every level. Thankfully I'm in a good space now and my focus is like a laser! Me thinks the universe had been hinting all along to leave the boys behind because it's got bigger plans for me right now.

I finally listened.

Lessons in Elevation

2011-09-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

I recently entered MANDYLAND into the WE Mastermind 5K Dream Business Start-Up Package and if I win I will be able to take MANDYLAND (and all that it entails) to the next level.

The voting round started September 5th and everyone can vote daily until September 19th, and in just 2 days of being part of this process I have discovered a number of things including how much I hate to compete, how haters have made me even more awesome and how you never really know who has got your back until it really matters.

1. I HATE COMPETITION.

Yes I know I am the one who entered this contest but 'winning' in the traditional sense has never been a motivating factor for me. My goal is to expand, take my work to the next level, and spread the word about what I am here to offer the world. This contest satisfies each of these things and also provides a great winning package at the end for the 'winner'. As I learned yesterday though, I hate following numbers each day because it stresses me out. I am in top spot right now but I fluctuate to second spot depending on the hour. Currently, I am going head to head with another fabulous female who is equally dedicated to her mission which means at any given point we are only separated by a few votes. Watch MANDYLAND VLOG #3: SHARING TOP SPOT to hear me discuss this exciting yet nerve-racking experience:)

2. I'VE BEEN FORCED TO GET CLEAR

The launch of WE Mastermind was the inspiration and motivation I needed to crystalize my vision, articulate what I am here to offer this world, present my work as a unified whole, and harness the immense support around me by encouraging my friends, fans, family and followers to participate in the 5K Contest. There was finally a push to think even BIGGER and put myself out there in a more visible way. Clearly I have come a long way from where I was: a reclusive writer whose writings only ever made it to her journals for the first 11 years. Now I have 20 blogs and counting, 2 published books, a number of pages on Facebook and a weekly column named after me. What a difference a few years can make.

3. NOT EVERYONE WILL BE ON BOARD

One of the most surprising aspects of this contest is becoming acutely aware of who supports me and who doesn't. More than a few times now I have discovered that I was wrong in my assessment of who does, and it has made me see things from a new perspective. Yesterday as the votes were tied between me and another, I became anxious about those who have chosen not to support me in this way even though they have been very vocal for months or years about how great they thought I was, how much my work inspires them and how I am the highlight of their Facebook experience. They, like me, are on Facebook daily and they finally have an opportunity to support that which has uplifted them for months or years, but for whatever reason they have chosen not to help me in a very tangible and easy way.

Maybe I was naive to think that my abundant personal offerings over the years through Facebook would warrant a vote per day from those who have been most active on my posts and updates and have devoured my written work for years, but I truly believed it would happen. Surprisingly it didn't. Not from the few key players I was sure would be as pumped as I was to do this thing at least. They are currently watching this contest, and probably reading this post right now (can you say awkward? lol), and are choosing not to vote for me even though those same people didn't think twice to vote for my daughter to win a modelling contest when I tried to recruit support on her behalf. Fancy that.

What I discovered late last night though, as complete strangers rallied together to get me back in top spot (which they succeeded in accomplishing by morning) is that I haven't actually missed out on anyone's votes. The ones who truly believe in the work that I do and genuinely appreciate what I offer this world, are the ones who are doing all the voting. Period. And so I let go of my disillusionment about the fact that a picture of a 16 year old gets more buzz than a concept that has the ability to transform the world and I move on. I also begin to trust more fully that those who truly matter will be right here beside me all the way to the top.

4. IT'S TIME TO MOVE LIKE GAGA (SORRY JAGGER)

Whether you are a fan of Lady Gaga or not is irrelevant to the fact that she is a force to be reckoned with in this world. The cream of the crop always rises to the top and I absolutely admire and respect her despite the fact that I would never intentionally listen to one of her songs. They are catchy and empowering for sure, but just not my thing. What is my thing however is Gaga's ability and courage to be herself fully and completely which inspires in others a desire to do the same. Her message is a clear and pure one based on love, inclusiveness and self-respect, and it is spreading such incredible energy throughout this planet every minute of the day that you cannot go anywhere without running into a Gaga fan.

Lady Gaga may not be your cup of tea but she will certainly never apologize for infiltrating the airwaves and the world with her sound and her style. This amazing ownership of her gifts, her unique way of being, and her mission in life is so dang inspiring to me and this is precisely what I would like to emulate even more.

5. SURE THEY LAUGHED, BUT I WIN

For years I have been either criticized or made fun of for the amount of pages or blogs I have, or how many updates I make on Facebook or even how much I talk in videos and on my radio show. I have gotten used to it but I am always hesitant to post as much as I produce because it is even more than I already share. Silly isn't it? What I am realizing through this contest however is that I don't need to apologize for being this awesome and multifaceted and I certainly don't need to hold back in any way just because other people think it's too much. I am not the average person that has one thing they love or are good at. I do a hell of a lot and I do it all well, and I am about to do even more.

So for the haters of the past, present and to come: You don't like it? It's too much for you? All my posts are annoying? Well, no one is forcing you to read my work, watch my videos, listen to my shows, follow me on Facebook or Twitter, or look at all my hot pics. If you're complaining about it all then you're paying great attention to it so thanks for being a devoted fan.

6. I WAS BORN TO EXPRESS

My gift is expression. Period. That means that posting updates, writing blogs, recording videos and doing radio shows is just like breathing to me. What is 18 minutes to you in video form (check out VOTE FOR MANDYLAND to watch my 18 minute plea for support) feels like only a minute to me. It takes no effort at all to express my thoughts and carry on a conversation; even if that conversation is only with myself.

And while some others have snickered and bitched about how open I am about everything, countless others have benefited from all that I've shared. They are entertained, inspired, amused and sometimes even feel moved to take positive action in an area of their lives. Their days are made brighter and they feel more expanded. They love the insights and they are more motivated to follow their dreams. They love being part of MANDYLAND and they wouldn't want me to change a thing. So for those people in particular, I am so glad I kept sharing my heart, my thoughts and my unique take on the world because as a result you continue to rock mine. As I have said in other posts, if it wasn't for your love and support I would have shut up long ago and we can't have that now can we?

So here's to pissing off and annoying the critics because haters gonna hate and lovers are where it's at.

Y'all fucking rock my socks!

PLEASE KEEP VOTING FOR MANDYLAND!

So please watch VOTE FOR MANDYLAND as it is my opportunity to share all that I do and tell you what I felt was necessary to know in order to make your decision to vote for me in the contest. Again, voting started on Monday, September 5th and you can vote daily until September 19th through WE Mastermind on Facebook. The winner is based on the highest number of votes received. Your support and daily voting would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. Here is a 2 Minute Promo Video for my entry in this contest and it is a super fun glimpse of MANDYLAND. Enjoy!

Thank you so much for all your support.

Mandy
www.mandylandrocks.com
xo

How This DIVA Teaches

2011-08-10T19:02:00.001-07:00

I thought it might be time to address the various misconceptions people have about me and the work that I do in this world; specifically in the area of personal transformation and empowerment.

It seems that anyone who works in this field gets lumped in with the rest. Spiritual guides are often revered for their insights and considering that most people are out of touch with their own inner wisdom, it makes sense that any spiritual 'teacher' has a following. Everyone is looking for answers. Most of us are looking for meaning, and all of us just want to be happy and at peace.

So we attend workshops, buy self-help books, join classes, groups, and like-minded individuals in an attempt to find what we're searching for. We are desperate for change, for that moment when it all makes sense, and sometimes we need a reason to keep going when things get rough.

We'll I'm here to tell you a thing or two about a thing or two:) Spiritual guides are not super human and don't possess anything that you don't. We all have access to truth in every moment, and none of us are without that intuitive power that shows us where we need to go and grow. But because of all the things in life that appear to lead us away from who we really are (I say appear because truthfully we can never actually disconnect from our core), we forget to look within and we end up going without. When that happens, we seek out those who are more in tune with their true natures with the hopes that we will be led back to our own.

This is what a GOD & DIVA class is about fundamentally, and this is what I offer to each individual who comes through my door. The reminder that they are already there, they are already perfect, there is nothing I know that they do not. I do not attempt to fix them (since they are not broken; they've just forgotten their essence) or claim to have the answer. I simply help them to remember who they are. What I provide is a safe and supportive space to be, without artifice. That space is beyond the physical. It is an energy that surrounds me and therefore, us, during our time together. So my ultimate goal as a healer is to keep myself fine tuned by being current with myself and what is going on in my world at any given time. The more conscious I am of myself and what is happening inwardly, the more light and clarity I can bring to each dynamic I share with another being.

Because I am present much of the time, my life force is strong. People feel inspired and elevated and stronger around me as a consequence, which is fabulous. But because of those 'high' moments that I project, people often assume that I am strong, empowered and have all my shit together. While that is sometimes true, I also have many moments of being and feeling weak, and times when I totally fall apart. It is often those times of weakness and having the world crash down however, that eventually lead to me becoming strong in a particular area. I hardly have it all together. I have some things together some of the time but certainly not all things all the time. No one does. Life ebbs and flows. So do we.

I think that is what people resonate with the most when they come to my class. The fact that I've been through the same hell they are currently going through, and that I am still here to talk about it, gives them hope. It bonds us, and it automatically creates a level of trust even if we were strangers just a moment ago. It is easy to let our guard down around those who are real and unguarded themselves.

I do not have all of the answers, and I certainly don't have the answers for anyone I meet. But what I do have is my experience and the ability to articulate it in a way that others can relate to. In a way, my 'teaching' is simply my life lived and shared.

I delve into the inner landscape and report back my findings and people tend to find this inspiring. I always found that interesting, that people were are inspired by someone just saying what's what. By someone just telling it like it is. By someone who shares her struggles openly for all to read about. You'd think that being real and sane would be expected amongst us humans, but alas, it is a hot commodity in our world.

Because I work in the area of personal transformation and empowerment, people tend to have particular expectations of me and how I operate. I am expected to love everyone, be 'nice', never get angry, tolerate other people's bullshit (because hey, we all have issues, right?), and be more understanding and forgiving than the average person. But like I said, I'm human just like everyone else. I fuck up. I'm incredibly reactive at home, I defriend people on Facebook for the strangest of reasons, I dislike most humans, and I think people who don't like me are fucked. So what? I'm not claiming to be some enlightened being that can show you how to be 'better'; what I am is an awesome human with the big enough balls to share far too much with the world, something I always wonder if I'll regret someday. I'm Mandy, and that's good enough. It's plenty. I'm not out to change the world. I'm here to be myself as fully as I can and trust that by doing so, others will be inspired to live more fully themselves.

Those who actually get what I am about, and what my work is about, know better than to put me on this self-help pedestal. They'd know that being a GOD or DIVA is about being yourself as you are; flaws and all. It's about growing and changing and fucking up and getting back on the horse, falling down, saying the wrong thing, and then trying again. It's about learning how to love yourself a little more each day. It's about learning whatever lessons you're here to learn. It's about giving up then finding a reason to carry on. It's about being human.

I am human. I'm no fucking guru. I can't fix your shit, let alone mine, but most days I have enough light at my disposal to help you find your way through the darkness. That is what I offer.

In my opinion, the greatest teachers inspire you to be great as well. The don't need or want followers. They want to be liberated and naturally they want you to be as well. They do not claim to have your answers or the key to unlocking your potential. Only you possess the key. They can be an example but they cannot hold your hand. It is a journey only you can take. No one can do it for you.

Their greatest gift is being real, which inspires you to get real with yourself. They are motivated by their own journey which they willingly share with others; not because their way is the right way, but because they know that their experiences have the potential to shed some light.

True leaders are the greatest students. They are open to learning the lessons that life is here to offer and in sharing these lessons with others, they solidify the teachings within themselves.

Spiritual warriors go through hell and aren't ashamed to admit it. They don't pretend that they are invincible and hide their failings, their past, their inadequacies. They are bold enough to be genuine. This quality is what I most value in others; the courage to be real. That's where it's at. And being real means not being perfect. It means messing up but trying again. It means being vulnerable, honest and accountable. That is the kind of person worth emulating. Not the one who promises you the world.

Class dismissed;)

Mandy

The Best Has Yet To Come

2011-08-10T10:57:00.000-07:00

It's an exciting time in Mandyland and it has been far too long since my last post so here is where my heart, mind and soul are at as of late.

I am in the midst of yet another creative surge where things feel like they're coming together and my dreams are about to be realized. It's an interesting place to be right now because I feel right in the middle of what I've been building for years and what is about to manifest as a result. The foundation is set, my vision is clear and I am on the cusp of all that I've been moving towards for what has felt like an eternity. Before I get into that, some reflections...

I really wish I wrote far more than I do as of late. There are gaps in my process...significant insights I did not record...epiphanies that changed my world...all now dissolved into the abyss. Sure they remain a part of me since they shape the journey, but for me as a writer, nothing really counts until it has been recorded, whether in my journal, on here, as a status update on Facebook or a video I put up on YouTube. Expression solidifies the moment. Captures it perfectly, like a musician who writes and records the moments that just moved him...but through song. We all have a song we need to sing, a story that needs to be shared, a picture that must be painted. And for me, that need is frequent and I can hardly keep up with myself. There aren't enough hours in a day, fingers to type, Mandy's to write, in order to produce all that pours through me. I capture much of it but not nearly enough.

There are hundreds, maybe thousands of posts that never make it to the keyboard and I am pretty sure that will be my only regret in life. The unwritten words that had the potential to touch a heart, shed some light, or heal my soul. Sharing a computer with the kid certainly doesn't help, especially during the summer, and even now I have exactly 20 minutes until it's her turn to use it.

The great thing about Mandyland Musings is that they are just that: musings. I don't have to orchestrate a thing. I just write and what you end up reading is precisely how it came out of me. I do not edit any of these writings and they always flow. There isn't a moment of 'what should I write now?' My Mandyland column in Echo Weekly on the other hand is painstaking for me. My personal writings I do in one sitting without ceasing, but my column takes about a day with dozens of breaks in between those 500-700 words. I think it's because in that kind of writing I actually have to think. I have to put things together. I have to 'work'. It takes immense effort whereas writing this post and all my others requires no effort or thinking at all. It's just there already inside me waiting to hit the screen. I simply deliver it. Interesting that I can write 2000 words so easily on a post but in the same amount of time I'd be needing to force a paragraph in my column. Things that make you go hmm...

So besides not writing nearly enough, I am doing wonderful. I haven't bitten my nails in over 3 weeks which is a triumph! They are painted black. I have ALWAYS wanted black nails:) So now every time I see my hands I smile. It's the little things, like they say:)

I have been thinking about the moving and travelling idea (for those who have been following my journey) and here is where I'm at right now: I have no desire to move at all. None whatsoever. What I desire is the freedom (financial and otherwise) to travel the world. My place is cheap, Canada can't be beat, so why not keep this beautiful homebase and go and go and go from here? Europe was my goal, but now even Europe feels too small and limiting. I want to go there and fall in love, but I want to go everywhere else too. I am hungry for it all. Hungry like a hippo!:)

And not just hungry to travel but hungry to achieve more dreams. Ever since I can remember my dream has been to dance in videos (like this one) and I certainly don't want to die without having done this. I love to dance and I love watching sexy moves and kickass choreography on the screen, so my goal is to be one of the hotties I'm watching:) I have gotten close a few times at different points in my life but I suppose I wasn't ready. Insecurity was the main culprit so hopefully now I am in a better position to move forward with it.

When I was about 23 I auditioned (with no formal training) for a dance company in Toronto that trained you and put you in videos. It was my ticket into that world and I made the cut. I took in my tape, danced freestyle and they loved it. I was offered weekly rides to Toronto and childcare for the kid by my partner at the time so that I could learn the choreography each week, but I didn't go. Not even once. I felt I wasn't fit enough, young enough, pretty enough, or good enough to succeed so I stopped there. Of course I didn't stop dancing at the clubs and wishing I was in videos, but I aborted my dream for a long time. It hurts to think of it, and I'd like to think it's not too late. I'd like to believe that now is the perfect time to begin to realize this dream. Maybe it was just not meant to be then. Who knows. But what I do know is that this desire has never left me. I know I am meant to do this because I crave it so strongly and always have.

I need to wrap up because my computer time is almost maxed out, but I did want to share this unfulfilled dance dream in case some of you have also set aside something very important to you in the past. I encourage you to revisit it because I think it hurts more to not try than it does to fail at something. And I think that the thing that we desire the most is actually meant for us to have, or else why would we be so drawn to it in the first place. I don't think the universe is so cruel to deny me any of my dreams. I think it's more that the universe is ready when I am. I think no matter what happens in our life, the lesson we are here to learn is how to love ourselves more fully, and thus, accept even more abundance for ourselves. Dancing in videos is part of the abundance I desire in my life. What about you? What dream have you kept hidden for far too long? And what thoughts or beliefs would you need to change in order to realize it?

Time is up. WIshing you nothing but every one of your dreams to come true.

The best has yet to come.

With love,

Mandy xo

Death Should Inspire You To Live (Thoughts on Amy Winehouse)

2011-07-30T07:32:00.001-07:00

(Written Saturday, July 23, 2011 as a note on Facebook)

The death of another is a call for you to LIVE, folks. Too many of us take life for granted and assume we will be here tomorrow, next week, or next year. We need to wake up from that illusion. All we really have is this moment and the next if we're lucky. So are you going to spend your precious moments criticizing or mocking a fellow human for being human and struggling just like the rest of us? Don't be dumb. Let Amy Winehouse's death deepen your compassion for those who struggle with addiction and allow it to fortify your will to carry on with your own life and inspire you to face your own darkness.

We ALL hurt and we all seek relief from that hurt in the best way we know how. Who are we to judge another's path? Whether you get your 'fix' through sugar, tv, over-eating, porn, meaningless sex, shopping or drugs, makes you no different than Amy. How dare any of us scoff at her. Who here has got is all figured out? Who here is free from inner pain and all the ways that manifests in our lives? Exactly.

It is far too easy to point fingers and laugh at others from the comfort of our own couch. The internet creates the us versus them mentality and creates a separation between us and the famous. News flash, folks: they are human. They have family and they have friends just like the rest of us. And they have to put up with the tabloids and strangers watching and criticizing their every move. What kind of world are we creating?

If your friend, your sibling, your parent or child died, those around you would sympathize. They would feel your pain. They wouldn't dare make a joke. Someone just died for fuck's sake. DIED! There is no reversing that. The only sane response is sympathy for the deceased loved ones and appreciation for life itself.

Yet when it comes to someone famous with a known struggle with addiction, people have the nerve to waste what remains of their own life by being insensitive to the deceased because of bullshit they read in gossip columns. Why do we support this insanity. As if we all don't know or love someone who is caught in the cycle of addiction. Where is our heart? Where is our connection to the human race? And why do we think we can shun others while remaining in tact ourselves?

We cannot. We are all connected. We all have Hitler and Mother Theresa within us. None of us is perfect. We all have an equal capacity for evil and goodness, darkness and light. So stop being mean to those whose darkness merely reflects your own. If you think you are so much better than Amy, think again. If you were so good and pure yourself, you would not need to criticize her or anyone else for that matter. You would see things clearly and have compassion for all beings. You would extend love, not hate, and you would know that life is a mirror and everything you see outside of you is a perfect reflection of yourself.

This rant is for society at large, not specific individuals. It's a call to wake the fuck up before you take your last breath. It is a call to spend your life on what really matters and let me tell you that monitoring how another chooses to live is a fucking waste of your energy and your purpose in life.

Ideally, everyone should treasure life and their loved ones even more whenever they hear of the death of another; especially that of someone so young. It should make you appreciate the fact that you are still here. They are not.

For those who might wonder why people post RIP Amy Winehouse (or any other celebrity who has passed) and mourn someone they don't even know, I think it isn't just because they are fans but because music (or any art form) heals all of us.

Music is the reason some people are able to carry on in life, so it is very possible that to some, musicians are like a best friend, even a saving grace. People have a right to mourn what once touched their hearts or lives or helped get them though the dark times. I wasn't even a huge fan of Amy's music but I have great compassion for anyone who struggles with addiction. Life is not easy for any of us, really.

Death is a call for people to live but most people don't wake up to that wisdom. That is a shame.

Peace to all of us. Those who have passed, who live, and have yet to arrive.

With love,

Mandy

Dream A Little Dream

2011-07-17T17:14:00.000-07:00

As my GODS & DIVAS already know, I see our nighttime dreams as powerful tools for self-reflection, insight and healing. In my classes we learn how to interpret our dreams so that we can better understand our lives and ourselves, and the results are incredible. Because dreams are universal (we all dream even if we cannot recall the dream) and always reflect aspects of ourselves, the interpretations have deep meanings and often strike a chord with us. You can watch my best friend Melanie and I discuss Dream Interpretation on YouTube.

In the past two weeks I have had some lovely dreams, with two that really stuck out; one of which I acted on, the other I have not.

The first one (a short while ago) I dreamed of a man I have known for a while but never thought of romantically. The dream was sweet and involved us snuggling (while fully clothed) and him brushing my hair. It was a good feeling dream and I woke up feeling especially loved and happy and texted him right away to tell him about our nighttime non-sexual rendezvous. His response apart from "Aww" was "So when can we snuggle in real life?" I was hardly expecting that, given who he has been in my life, but the conversation unfolded and a few days later I was enjoying a delicious night of dancing with said man that basically trumped my previous experiences with other beaus. It was intense, unexpected, and incredibly passionate (just how I like it), and I thoroughly enjoyed every moment we were together. Who knew that a dream would lead to something so beautiful in real life? In the end it didn't amount to anything beyond that one night of pleasure but it certainly marked a chapter that no longer included the 2 gents I have been writing about for too damn long:)

Speaking of that, I'm about to write some more about the man I have referred to as The Man Who Affects Me Like No Other. I thought for sure he'd never pop up in my writings after one of my previous posts Chapter Complete, but here I am once more.

This morning I woke up from an incredible dream of he and I. It was healing and beautiful and made me feel a sense of peace in the end. The last thing spoken before I awoke was,

"Do you want to give it another whirl?"
"Yes of course."

I am not certain who said which sentence but there was finally closure because we had shared openly in the dream. I got to say what I needed to say and he responded to me in the exact way I had been craving all along. It was pure heaven. I finally felt like we had worked things out and not only that, but we were ready to begin again. We were both finally in a space that welcomed the other fully and completely and I had no doubts that everything would be great between us.

I woke up feeling like true healing actually took place; not just inside me but inside him as well. Sometimes I think that certain people who show up in our dreams are actually visiting us. Well, I mean an aspect of their being is present during the dream exchange. It all felt very real, just like the 3 times when my mother has visited me in dreams to heal old stuff between us.

When I woke up I was tempted to reach out to him, eager to share this beautiful experience, but wisdom told me not to, as did my daughter.

Just because healing took place on this particular level doesn't mean it would translate into the physical, and I knew that reconnecting with him in the real world would inevitably lead to disappointment because it always does. That being said, I was tempted. I felt connected and I wanted that feeling to last. I wanted to act on it because last time we corresponded we were due for a chat and a visit and I had yet to follow up with either thing, mainly because my inner self knows it will only lead me to ruin.

But being the wise old soul that she is, Paige gave me a good talking to. Yes, she knows about him because my relationship with him led to many tears during that time in my life which led her to believe he was no good for me. She said so right from the start but I didn't listen. I agreed, but I did not stay away. It was an addictive cycle between he and I that felt impossible to break. We both tried and failed countless times, and even the fact that we were willing to see each other recently, yet again and despite everything, is proof that the door has yet to be shut by either of us.

Maybe this is about to change, however. When I was getting ready to message him today, Paige intervened and said if I do this, knowing full well it will only lead to more pain, then she will lose respect for me. She told me I need to resist the temptation and be strong for myself because it is weak to give in and allow myself to be hurt once more. And that if what I genuinely want is 'the one' then what the hell am I doing engaging with this guy. She said it doesn't matter that we both still care for one another because together we are fucked and nothing can ever change enough to make us work out. No matter what we say or do, it won't lead to us being together because we are not good together, and friendship isn't an option because of our intense history. He marked me, and that can't be erased. But I can stay away and attempt to move on. She said that a message to him only starts up a new cycle that ends in pain and frustration and if I do this she will not pity me for the sadness that is to come.

Yes, my 16 year old said all of this. And yes, I listened despite the intense pull to start things up again. All it takes is one message and then it's on, but it only takes a few after that to destroy me because the feelings never change and I am left hungry for something he cannot give and frustrated that I cannot offer him what I could easily offer another man. In reality, it appears that our only option is to torture one another with a taste of something we can never have: the other. Well, that or move the fuck on, which I have been attempting to do, albeit unsuccessfully, for far too long.

So props to Paige for being so wise and helping me not to "dig an even deeper hole that will being even harder to get out of" as she said. She is right. He and I spell disaster every time. Doesn't mean it's easy to stay away, mind you, especially after such a powerful dream, but I will use that dream as the gift that it was meant to be and just be grateful that he and I finally worked things through, if only in my dreams.

With love,

Mandy

xoxo

Hungry For The World

2011-07-12T18:58:00.000-07:00

I want it all and I want it right now. I want everything, and I mean everything, and it can't come fast enough. I'm in a hurry to do I don't know what, to go I don't know where, and to be with I don't know who. I feel alive and ready for the world and a strong need to explore it in a brand new way.

Things have been percolating for some time now, and I'm itching to move, to live, to celebrate, to experiment, to taste and touch and feel it all. My urge to write how I'm feeling is equal to my urge to hop on a plane bound to God knows where...maybe New York. Oh how I love New York.

It's a Tuesday. I live in Cambridge. I have no car. But I have more freedom than most people I know to just up and go whenever I want, wherever I want.

I am not bound by a regular job, or a conventional relationship, or a mortgage or even a child. I am completely free to live how I want to live, and right now I want to be in a big city and not this little one. Yes I have mentioned Europe in past posts, but right now I'm in the mood for the big apple.

My daughter feels it too. We are both frustrated with our little part of the world and with our friends who are not as eager or free as we are to just fucking go balls out and live it up like nobody's business. Friends my age have commitments that I don't have: young children, spouses, and/or "real" jobs that prevent them from joining the Mandyland ride. Paige's friends on the other hand, are limited by their youth, controlling parents, or their own lack of adventure. Paige is limited by her age as well, but our goal is to get her fake ID asap so that she can start enjoying the things I was enjoying back when I had fake ID:)

Life is meant to be lived, and when you're in a small city with no nightlife during the week, it's enough to make you freak out a little. At least that's how I feel at this point in my life. This was never really the case before now. For years I was the reclusive writer (and a relative non-drinker) with a love/hate relationship with the world and most people in it. My goal was to remove myself from society at large and stay off the grid while connecting deeply and inwardly for the purpose of self-healing from a challenging past. I had many reasons and needs for this and it served me well.

The world stressed me the fuck out so I always did what felt right and safe. I raised my kid, I got my education, I found my life's work and I kept my circle small. I spent the majority of my life in my own sacred space, whether it was my home (as an adult) or my room (as a child), and I never veered too far for too long from my little bubble. I needed its protection after the life I endured, and I found solace in this hermitude. I needed things quiet. I needed to reflect. I needed to withdraw and I needed to heal.

I had 18 years of my own life and a few generations in addition to this, to face and transmute. I honestly feel like that is what I have spent the last 16 years doing. Working on this task and thankfully, succeeding. The dysfunction did not begin with my family of origin, but it ended with my family of creation. The buck stopped here. What I experienced growing up was not nearly as traumatic as what my mom went through, and I can only imagine that her mother suffered even more.

Paige's birth marked the birth of my true self. She was my reason for leaving home and my motivation for consciously taking the sacred path. She and I started our new lives together in a sense, and so even though I have been in this world for 35 years, I genuinely feel like a teenager. My life started 16 years ago. No wonder I look so young;)

My upbringing was the soil that nurtured the flower that is now me, but I look back on that time very rarely, and when I do, I only see it as the preparation that was necessary for me to do what I was born to do. I don't have a personal attachment to my family of origin or to my past, except intellectually, as a way to understand myself and my life.

Paige was my saving grace who became my teacher and became my sister and is now my friend. We have been many things to one another over the past 16 years, forming a bond that both my mother and grandmother envied and applauded. They did not have a close relationship, nor did I have one with my mom, but what Paige and I share has more than made up for all the brokenness that preceeded it.

The other week Paige and I had one of our 2hr chats and talked about everything under the sun from boys to drugs to drinking to sex to friends to hair to our dreams and our crushes. We held nothing back, and although Paige swore she wouldn't open up to me about particular things (which I respected), it all came out anyways because "it just doesn't feel right not to tell you everything because I respect and want your feedback". And so I was told the kinds of things that teens would normally only share with their besties, and I felt honoured. You know you've raised a great kid and done a great job as a parent when your 16 year old feels free to be that open. I mean, the whole thing brought tears to my eyes that night. Most teenagers want absolutely nothing to do with their parents. And so I thought, Did I really create this for us? Did I really not fuck up as bad as I thought? Did my daughter really just share her innermost thoughts and feelings with me? Heck yes she did.

Not only that, but she told me how much strength it must have taken for me to create something so beautiful (our life) out of something so difficult (my upbringing). Can you believe that? And then she told me I'm the best mom ever! How many 16 year olds say that shit to their parents????? Exactly!!! So that night meant the world to me and it made me feel so proud of what I've accomplished in my life. So proud that my daughter has no concept of what it means to lose herself, to be violated, to be made to feel insignificant, afraid, and insecure. She is so in tact and has such a healthy sense of self and confidence that sometimes I envy her.

She is who I might have been had I been given what I gave her growing up. She received all that I feel I missed out on: A mom who fully supports her dreams, who encourages her to develop her gifts, who listens and respects and admires and adores her, who protects her from harm (especially creepy men), who takes full responsibility for her shit and her life, and treats her as an equal in the sense that her thoughts and feelings and needs are just as important as anyone else's. This is what Paige got growing up. She also got me at my worst, and still does, as I go through life and heal past junk, but overall, she is loved. She is safe. She is valued.

I know I write and speak much about my mom and her impact on my life, mainly because she is what I often measure things by. My intention is not to judge her but to understand myself and create a context for my life, and our relationship was the most prominent feature throughout most of it, for better or worse. Like every parent, my mom did the best that she could with what she was given. She was raised being told she was fat, stupid and ugly. I was raised being told I was smart and beautiful. We always do better with our own kids, having learned what not to repeat, and our kids will do even better with theirs.

The envy I felt towards Paige was especially intense a few weeks ago when she entered a Top Model Contest and subsequently landed a photo shoot with an amazing photographer because of it. Her ultimate dream is to model, and here she was with her photo in a contest and opportunities lining up effortlessly. It was bittersweet for me for a few reasons. I was proud of her, yet resentful. Not towards her perse, but towards what I missed out on at her age.

At 16 (or any age before that), I did not have the luxury of following my dreams while I was in somewhat abusive relationships, living in an alcoholic family with a mother who suffered from mental health issues, and a childhood that stopped short at 6 or 7 when I was first sexually violated. My mom's denial of what was going on made it impossible for her to protect me, and so I was brought back time and time again, despite having told her what happened. It was then that I learned I could not trust others to protect me, and I suppose that was when I grew up, becoming incredibly independent and defiant towards authority. This is also the reason why I made sure Paige would never, ever experience what I did. I broke away from my family for good reason, and Paige's retained childhood and innocence was our reward.

I do want to note however, that my mom apologized to me during the last week of her life for not protecting me from this man when I was a little girl. By that point (I was 33) I had already done much of the inner work surrounding that trauma so I no longer felt like I needed this apology, but I did appreciate it and I'm sure it healed something for both of us.

As for those bittersweet feelings towards Paige, what I envied was her freedom to just be 16 and only be concerned about her hair or a boy or whether or not it's her turn to use the computer. What a life. She can't even relate to the things I went through or the suffering of those people I support (thank God). Her life is pretty easy by comparison, and not only that, she's confident and gorgeous to boot! She's got it all, including a mom like me, and at 35 I'm only beginning to feel like things are coming together for me. I have spent the last 16 years doing the hardest work of my life and I still have yet to achieve many of my goals. I couldn't tend to them while I was working through all the garbage and raising a kid and avoiding society and staying true to my values. I was on protective mode for most of my life, and it is only now that I am breaking free of that and beginning to feel safe in the world.

I feel like I am the same age as Paige, in the sense that I began to build a brand new life when she came into the world. This would mean that I am only 16 years into life as that new Mandy, and only months into life as the Mandy that is not only free of the effects of the past, but also free of needing to care for a young child.

Paige is 16 which means I have more freedom than ever before. I went from living with my parents to moving out as a mother at 18 and now I am experiencing the luxury of being able to just go out whenever I want and not have to worry about the kid. Recently Paige complained that I have more of a life than she does, which is totally true. In the past month or so, I have been more social than I have probably been in my whole life. I am always wanting to go out, to do things, to meet people, to just play. I am having a blast and feel like this is only the beginning, and I am surprised that my need to disengage from the world is not really all that present right now. I just want more and more and more and more!

I spent so many years in a reflective and a reclusive state, doing the work of my soul and being a responsible human that now I am ready to just party! I want to celebrate because I have a bazillion reasons to celebrate! Look at all I've done and look how far I've come! Isn't it time to just leave it all behind and lighten the fuck up? Haven't I worked hard enough and long enough to warrant an extended "fuck it, I'm doing it all!" attitude? I think so. I think I've earned it and I know I deserve it.

I imagine this is why I am feeling so eager to go and play and explore and dance and connect and try new things as of late. I feel like a child who is seeing the world for the first time. I feel innocent and free and unburdened for once, and I want to take advantage of this state. It's time for me to live out the chapter(s) I missed while being a grown up in a young girl's body, while having to deal with the heavier issues that made growing up hard and made adulthood a very serious matter. It's time for me to live the life I was born to live. The life that could only have been possible after this work was done. The life I truly want and deserve...not that I am complaining about the great life I have lived up until now, because it has been incredible, but now I am free of the greatest weight: a life lived in reaction to the past.

First I lived the shitty past, then I rebelled against this past (hence the strict non-drinking that ensued for many years) and now I am just Mandy, in a world created with love and wisdom, where drinking is fun on occasion, and the world won't fall apart if I leave the past behind and just start fresh.

It's a fertile time of new beginnings, of new loves, of new experiences and new energies. I am so excited for what's to come and I am completely open to the possibilities.

Life is great and it only gets better. And it's just a wonderful time to be me. Happy, happy (and sometimes inebriated) me.

With love,

Mandy

Chapter Complete

2011-07-05T19:26:00.000-07:00

Where to even begin?

Well since my last post, The One Who Affects Me Like No Other, both men who were mentioned in it have officially lost their respective titles. Nothing dramatic occurred except inside me, and it feels like that chapter of my life that included both of them is finally complete.

I got invited to go away for a weekend in Muskoka which I needed more than I thought. I loved it so much. I don't often go away because I'd rather work most times, and I'm not always in the mood for humans to be quite honest. But I agreed to go because it just felt right, and I decided to use my time away in nature to get my heart, mind and soul untangled from the man mentioned in my previous post.

Initially my goal was the opposite. I wanted our connection. I wanted things to feel okay again. I wanted resolution through a conversation with him, to which he agreed, and it was set for this past weekend.

I needed closure regarding what happened back in November, and I thought (and hoped) that we could heal the past together, and that things would finally be the way I wanted them to be: sane. I didn't want him as my partner or lover; I just wanted things to make sense for once. A tall order I suppose, given our history.

A year of back and forth followed by 6 months of silence had definitely taken its toll, and I wanted relief from the unanswered questions, the replaying of the past in my head, and the pain that our 6 month gap in communication created.

I wanted to make things right, despite knowing that they could never be, really, because it would require one of us to be something that we're not. But I wanted it nonetheless. And I still wanted an emotionally available and sensitive response to my heart because that's what I deserved, and for whatever reason, I had yet to accept that I would never get it from this particular man.

Until this time.

After our recent connection it was only a matter of days before I was reminded of why I bailed every time and why we stopped talking so long ago. If I kept things simple and superficial, it was game on. But if I made things real, it was game over. I had wasted so much time engaging on this basic level and feeling addicted to our strange dynamic that I couldn't get a proper guage on the insanity of it all. The consequence of this was the striking void of a genuine exchange that was nothing but an insult to my spirit, and a year and a half of confusion laced with intense moments of pleasure.

There was no real depth and true beauty between us, like I once believed, save for what I applied to our connection. Interesting how I attributed substance and meaning to something that didn't naturally possess those qualities. I filled my heart and mind with things that reflected me more than the reality of things, I suppose. When you are deep, you add depth. How could it be different?

Still, I was more addicted to him than any other. I may never understand why. Maybe it was just that time in my life. Maybe there really was something to it. And maybe I was just like every other person who was simply hung up on the wrong one because there was something inside me that needed what was offered. In the end, who cares. What matters is that my need for resolution through him finally dissolved. The hook was gone and I was free.

So I cancelled our chat before I headed to the Muskokas, and I upon returning, I knew that phone call would no longer be necessary. No need to reschedule. After a fun, reflective and insightful weekend away, things were no longer the same. I saw everything clearly. I saw him clearly. And that is where our story ends.

My questions were answered...not through him, but inside me. He was not required. The truth had always been present, and now I was finally ready to accept it. After that moment of awakening, my world changed. I let it all go. I released him fully and gained my freedom.

We have not connected since, and it's possible we never will. The pull is no longer present, which was the only thing that led me to him. With that gone, what's left?

All that remains is a lightness of being that has shifted everything. I feel like a brand new woman with a brand new life, freed from my past and open to all possibilities. No longer consumed by thoughts of what happened or the need to change a thing about it, I have stepped into my new world with a smile and I haven't looked back since.

My dream of meeting my one and only is ever-present, but my only goal is the truth. I intend to follow my heart and intuition to whatever person or experience it leads me to, no matter what that looks like. I may not be led to the one, but I will be taken where I need to go, and that is good enough for me.

I trust myself. I trust life. I trust that at every moment I am exactly where I need to be and who I need to be with.

If that isn't freedom, I don't know what is.

With love,

Mandy xo

The One Who Affects Me Like No Other

2011-06-27T17:24:00.000-07:00

It's an interesting time in Mandyland; with thoughts swirling about, the past resurfacing in the present, and a need to make sense of it all.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I didn't think so much. If I didn't spend the majority of my life contemplating, analyzing, and alchemizing everything around me, everything that has occurred, and all that goes on inwardly. There would be a freedom in that, wouldn't there? But there would be no writers.

Our life consists of what we create in our minds, plain and simple. Because no matter what we do or where we go, our home is contained in our thoughts. Our world is by our own design, and so I wonder, just wonder, what would happen if the party in my head stopped; just long enough to have no thoughts of the past, illusions of the present or projected stories of the future.

What would be left?

And then I think (there goes the thinking again) that this desire to lessen the noise is the main reason why people turn to drugs, to alcohol, to sex, to television, to porn, to whatever it is that takes us away, albiet temporarily, from our erratic inner landscape. And those who don't do that, turn to meditation and other more productive avenues to quiet the mind.

Constant self reflection seems to be the curse of the writer, for he or she lives entirely in the mind. I suppose this curse turns into a gift when the work is released and the readers nod their heads in agreement that this too is their reality, but the countless and endless hours of retrospection can oftentimes feel like an eternity; one from which there is no sense of relief. A new day; a new mind. A new set of circumstances to decipher and wade through in order to make it to the next set of life's mysteries.

The writer's work is never done, because even if there are no hands on the keyboard, or a hand holding a pen, there is a book being written nonetheless. Always in the mind, the writer's story unfolds. An endless search for meaning, for connection, for a purpose to all that transpires, and a quest to absorb it all, fully and completely.

It is no small task. A writer writes 24/7, if only in his mind, just as a painter paints at all hours, because all he can see are glimpses of what he has yet to create. There is no end point. There is no vacation. There is just a constant creation, a constant stirring, juxtaposed with the stale times, and an endless hunger to manifest the unseen.

As of late, I am starving. For what I don't know, but maybe by the end of this post I will have a clue.

I write to sort, to understand, to capture a moment in time. Today I write because I don't know what else to do with all that is happening inside me. I need a place to pour it all out, judgment-free, and to see if in doing so, I can release what I have been holding on to.

THE MAN

Much of my experience at the moment centers around one man. For those who follow my writings, you will know about 'my favourite man' and 'the man who affects me like no other'. Well, right now it's about the latter. This man who turns me upside down with only a few simple words, the man who I can never shake, the man who, even after 6 months of having nothing to do with him, manages to wreak havoc on my system after just one day of connecting (by text I might add!)

It happened at the end of last week and into the weekend, and that's all it took to take me right back to where I always was. Smiling and eager for the next message, and rushing to respond.

He is the only man I am like that with. The rest tend to wait. I am not quick to engage them because the pull just isn't there. But with this man, I cannot respond or hear from him fast enough. Ever. He is the only one to have maintained my interest as long as he has, primarily because he is the only man I have met whom I genuinely admire. It is his ambition and confidence that astounds me; even moreso as time goes on.

He amazes me with all that he creates and achieves. He goes after what he wants without thinking twice; without wondering if he is worthy of it because he knows he is. I am constantly in awe, even when I am pissed at him, because he is just that amazing at what he does.

His power in the physical world is equal to mine in the inner one. We seek to master our respective realms and tend to impress others in the process. I admire him. I respect him. He is a man I consider my equal, and yet, here we aren't.

I have probably spent more time thinking, talking and writing about this odd dynamic we share, than I have about any other subject in my life. Maybe not publicly, but rest assured my circle knows the whole story. It has always felt too close to home to delve into in my blog, because I never understood it and I honestly felt powerless with it. I still do. But I suppose those 6 months of not talking to him has helped me somewhat, even if only to give me an opportunity to look at things with less of an emotional charge.

Our recent reconnection changed everything, in the sense that he has not left my thoughts for a second since; making the affections of other men completely insignificant in my world. This is a reality I know all too well, because this is just as it was before.

It makes no sense at all. You wouldn't understand why it makes no sense, not knowing the whole story, but trust me. It's absurd that this man affects me like he does given all that has transpired. Given certain realities. Given how long it has been. Given what I am powerless to change.

And so there we were, messaging like no time had passed, swiftly entering our once established routine. The dance we danced so long ago, became new again, infused with the excitement of what could be, while temporarily setting aside all that never worked.

Our connection is so potent that I was willing to forget, at least for those moments, that this man is my kryptonite. This man need only write "Hello Mandy", and I fall right back in to the pool of intensity that marks our complicated relationship.

No person but him, has ever given me cause to run to my phone, to always be with my phone, or to pray to God for a man to text me. No one. The rest I can do without. But him? Impossible.

The gaps in between those messages have always killed me. I once brought this up to him to let him know how unacceptable these spaces were in Mandyland. His response: "You are quick to see all that I don't do. But slow to see that I drop everything when I see a message from you." Of course that was the perfect response, and proof that I affected him just like he affected me, but I couldn't admit it, so I just told him that my feelings on this topic won't change so we may as well accept it.

His response to that was to fill those gaps all evening. I loved it so much. That was in the fall.

It's now summer. And this is day number 3 since we connected. I am half ashamed to admit that I count every hour, because I feel every second of every minute that we are not engaged. It is an acute torture, to be quite honest, and my conversations with the universe are constant as I try to cope with this repeat of what once was.

I do not know why things are as they are, and I do not know what I am supposed to do with this experience. I cannot assume it is the same on his end, but I do know that despite his insane travelling schedule, the time difference, and the intensity of his work, his responses were immediate, he was happy to make me laugh and smile, and it appeared and felt as though nothing had changed.

I am sure many of us have that one person we can never get over. That one person who stirs something within us, without knowing how or why. Logically, it should be another. But it isn't. My favourite man was actually the one who loved and cared for me both physically and emotionally throughout my experience with the man I am currently speaking about. My favourite man kissed away my tears, listened to my pain, and tried to understand this strange connection I shared with a man I never wanted for my own, but somehow remains the only one.

My favourite man offered all that this other one could not, yet I would have traded a night of love making with a man that loved me, for one text from this man who I'm not sure ever did. I don't even know if I even loved him, to be quite honest. I just know that our broken connection hurts me every time.

I have many intuitive healers in my sphere because of who I am and the work that I do, and I have approached all of them at some point, sometimes more than once, to lay my experience with this particular man at their feet. Each time I hoped that they could shed some light on the situation and I could get my "once and for all" answer to the dilemma that has been my struggle for the past year and a half. But it never ends.

I have been told we have had past lives together, that we are deeply connected in this one, and once the man in question remarked, after yet another broken connection, that we could have made the perfect couple in another lifetime. So why not this one? For a million reasons, in my opinion; none of which I feel prepared to go into.

One healer noted a pattern: that he and I never seemed to match up at the same time. Ever. No matter how hard we tried, no matter how persistent he was, no matter how much it killed me to shut the door each time (believing I was doing the right thing for both of us), we never found a way to come together and stay together, or move apart and stay apart.

Both external and internal situations would push us together and then swiftly pull us apart. The constant back and forth hurt him as much as it hurt me, yet we just couldn't get it together. It even got to the point where he named my moves, like "The Plug Pull" (as I would constantly bail on our visits), and "The Goldfish" (when I would forget what made me bail and then enter into the dynamic like it was brand new). Of course he always welcomed this shift, until he couldn't any longer. A heart can only take so much.

My ways tortured him, and his tortured me. And I suppose that should be enough to prove that this wasn't a good thing so why the bleep am I still going on about this guy? Who knows. I don't get it at all. We both exude such a powerful front, yet we are weak when it comes to one another.

I have been told that our connection cannot be broken, that it is a spiritual and powerful one, and that our past was a demonstration of fear and lack of trust. I got body work done once and wept as I talked about he and I, and ran my mouth about all the reasons it would never work, it couldn't work, and why I needed to stay away, yet she said that the only reality was that he and I terrified one another. We were both afraid to love, and to be hurt. And maybe we did love, and we certainly did hurt, but neither of us got what we most wanted from the other. So maybe that is why it feels so unresolved. Because it is.

Regardless of what it is that brings us together and keeps us apart, life goes on. He achieves in his world and I achieve in mine. And occasionally we stumble upon one another's advancements and give words of encouragement, feeling grateful that there is someone else on this planet who works and moves at a similar (dizzying) speed.

He brings out the best and the worst in me. His presence makes me feel like I can do anything, especially because he treats me as such. His presence also makes me feel incredibly insecure in other areas, so it is an experience of intrigue followed by discomfort. It is pure heaven and utter hell. He is what I keep trying to be free of, yet I am bound to him like no other.

Many men try, but none are him, so what's the point. I need the intensity. I need it now. I need a man who challenges me and isn't afraid to match me. I especially need a man who isn't threatened by who I am, which is almost impossible to find.

It would take someone incredibly confident to win me over and keep me. Even this man could not keep me, yet he possesses all of me.

He just doesn't know it.

It's 10:19am and I am starving. Time to eat and yearn for more.

Mandy

What This Woman Wants

2011-06-18T16:23:00.000-07:00

Since my short online dating stint back in February (you can read all about it on my blog, Plenty of Fish Heads) I haven't really shared or written very much with regards to relationships and tonight I'd like to change that.

Love is constantly on my mind and the yearning for perfect union with my true Beloved grows stronger each day, making it the main topic of many conversations in the past few weeks. Although my favourite man (whom I refer to in my dating blog and a few other posts on this one) is still on my mind and in my heart, he and I knew from the start that we were not 'it' for one another; ultimately.

Of course this didn't stop us from sharing our love, our time and our bodies for the past few years, as well as a short-lived 'relationship' that made me want to strangle him (I lasted 3 weeks and spent those 3 weeks quite miserable); not because he was less than wonderful, but because as my lover, he is King, but as my partner, he is far from what I desire.

CRYSTAL CLEAR

I have always been crystal clear on the kind of relationship I want, which is why I have been single most of my adult life. If it is not that, I just don't want it. I can't be content with less. And I can't stay quiet if I am not satisfied.

Despite us never having explored a conventional relationship during the 3 years I knew him, my favourite man and I both felt compelled to at least try to find a way to be together as a couple because the love is genuine and we simply adore one another.

What I learned within the first few days of our boyfriend/girlfriend set up however, was that love and adoration is not enough. Either you're a fit or you're not. And we certainly were the perfect fit as lovers, but as partners, not so much. And although I know he would give me the world if he could, even if it meant making many accommodations on his part (because he's just that kind of man), I did not want a partner who would need to change himself in order to suit me. I want the one who fits.

I know that many women would love to have a partner as malleable and willing, but I have never understood getting with a guy with the intention to change him or the hopes that he will change on his own...some day...in order for me to be happy. It's not only an insult to the man himself, but a waste of a woman's precious energy. The only thing we can control is our mind, and the only person we have control over is ourselves. To make someone else your mission is nuts. We all have enough of our own garbage to contend with; who needs someone else's as well?

Exactly.

WHAT IS LOVE?

The hardest part between he and I was my restlessness. I was hungry for something that he could not feed me, yet he was completely satisfied. He was with a beautiful woman whom he loved and adored and that was plenty for him. The rest didn't matter. What more did he need? Nothing, apparently.

And although what we shared was incredibly beautiful, and the envy of many of my friends, it was not enough because my sights have always been set on one thing; the holy grail of all relationships: the twin soul partnership.

He and I both knew that this was not what we possessed, but that knowing had no affect on our feelings for one another, so we gave it a whirl. Love is love, plain and simple. But loving someone doesn't mean you are meant to be with them. It doesn't mean they are the one for you. It doesn't mean forever. And repeatedly trying to make things work is proof enough that things aren't working, don't you think?

Love means you respect the other person and their choices, even if that means you no longer get to be with them. Love is about caring for another as much as you care for yourself, because we are all connected, and what you give is what you get. Love is about allowing someone to be who they are, without imposing your will on them, and it is about honouring them with the truth; the truth of your feelings, of what you are able to give, and of what you cannot give.

It's about setting and respecting those limits, and it's about talking until things are clear. It's about parting with peace and understanding, and it's about the sacred and secret language that only you and he share.

Love is not dependent on externals for it is an internal condition. It does not dissolve just because the other is absent, and it does not manifest just because the other is cute;)

Love is the greatest thing in the world, but greater still, is the love you share with the one you cannot be without. That is the love I am after. And I don't mean a co-dependent love, but a perfect union with the only person in the world who fits me like a glove. I believe it exists because I have seen it in others. I believe in perfect love between two imperfect people. I believe that when you meet your beloved; you just know.

I don't believe that this relationship "takes work", involves "sacrifice", or requires "compromise". Other relationships; yes. But not this one. When you are with your twin soul, it just works. The other kind of relationships merely prepare you for it.

MY DREAM

So how do I envision my beloved whom I have yet to meet? How do I see us interacting that is so much different than anything I have experienced to date?

Well, I believe we will both "just know", and once we do, that knowing can't be undone. We will come together and never part, because together we are one. We will talk freely and openly about anything and everything, and there will be no secrets between us because transparency is the only sane response to the one you truly love.

We are in each other's every thought, we revel in every touch, and we melt with every kiss.

Our love deepens by the hour, we only have eyes for one another, and our hearts, minds and souls are connected, now and forevermore.

We are what the other has longed for for an eternity, and our union (reunion) is all we truly seek in this lifetime.

Our worlds collide to create a new one; one that revolves around the other. Our true beloved.

THE FAIRYTALE

Co-dependency is the result of feeling inadequate and incomplete on your own, and that is not what I am referring to. I am talking about an enchanted reality that supports the belief that true and endless and perfect love exists. You know, the kind of love you read and dream about. The kind that is meant for true lovers. The kind that brings you to tears, makes life worth living, and has you waking up and falling asleep with a smile.

I believe in the fairytale; not the illusion of one. Many couples present an image of unity to the world while their hearts break, while they sit with the knowing that their lover is with another, while they crave for so much more. Most people are not satisfied within their partnerships, yet stay for a multitude of reasons: the kids, boredom, sex, fear, insecurity, desperation, habit, etc. It's sad, really. We were born to be happy and fulfilled. We are fully capable of making that a reality. So why don't we?

Don't you deserve to be with the one who makes your toes curl? The one who elevates your soul to its natural state. Who inspires you to love, live and kiss more deeply. Who sees right through you and glimpses a part of you that no one else sees. Who cannot keep from touching you, looking at you, speaking softly to you, and making you happy. The one who cannot be replaced. The one you cannot be without. The one who trumps all others. The only one that matters.

Your first, your last, your only.

WHAT THIS WOMAN WANTS

So this is what I want: Perfect love. My imperfect King who is perfectly suited to me. A love without limits so that my entire being can soar the heights reserved only for the highest love.

I want to be seen for who I really am; beyond my beauty and accomplishments, and I want the deepest, most quiet and most profound love I have ever known.

I don't want just one slice; I want the whole fucking pie, and then some, because that's what I am willing to give.

I will give it all to the man worthy of all that I am. The one who has been waiting for a woman just like me.

And I will continue to believe that each man I am smitten with, has the potential to be the one, because some day I'll be right.

But for now, I am single, and will remain that way for as many years or experiences it takes until I meet the one who is the one.

THE WHOLE PACKAGE

Each man I meet shows me even more of what I desire, and in that sense I know that each man is bringing me closer to the one who embodies ALL of what I want, not just aspects of it. Every man who has captured my heart possesses something striking and beautiful that I will want emulated in my ultimate partnership, because why shouldn't I have all the things that make me swoon?

And if I am the whole package, which I most certainly am, why can't I have that in a man? I can. And I will.

I am a kaleidoscope still awaiting her rainbow, because that's what I deserve. So for the many who have wondered why the hell a woman like me is still single, there's your answer. He has yet to arrive.

But when he does, oh boy.

He will be the luckiest and most adored man on the planet.

With hopeful anticipation,
Mandy

His first, His last, His only.

When Illness Calls

2011-06-15T22:26:00.000-07:00

It seems that the universe has been wanting me to slow down for a while now, but like every other time I am in a creative phase, I ignore this call to pull back for the sake of my work. I'd rather create and produce than to sleep or to eat, but of course (and sadly) that can't go on indefinitely. The body requires rest. It needs to eat. It needs to pause occasionally.

As I have mentioned in other notes however, my goal is to catch the inspiration while it's there (which is often), and to ride the wave until I can't any longer. Sure it's dumb, but it's a non-negotiable for me. Paige swears that I'm a workaholic, but I don't think so; I'm just divinely inspired most hours of the day and night;)

Last Friday I could feel the fatigue and illness setting in, but there was more work to do so I did it. Then Friday night I rewarded myself with some dancing, and Saturday it was back to work. By Sunday, still pushing, my bike got a flat tire; a sure sign to slow down, but I still had lots more to do so I kept going.

Monday hit and I was officially running on empty with exhaustion taking over, but I went on working until 4am, only to wake up a few hours later (now Tuesday morning) feeling like a bag of ass. I never understood that phrase.

I call in sick, I stay in bed, and I suffer the agony of not being physically or mentally capable of doing a damn thing.

For those of us who are used to a high level of productivity most days, it's a form of hell to need to stop before you feel ready to just because your body has decided it's time to quit. I am not good at not working. I am not good at not creating. I feel as if life is wasted when you're just laying on the couch. I'd rather work. I'd always rather do work. The exception to this is making love. That trumps work any day:)

But alas, it was time to recharge, despite my resistance to slowing down.

Every time I get sick I know why. It happens when I ignore my body for too long and refuse to give it what it needs when it needs it. So it goes on strike, creates an illness, and then I have no choice but to honour its request for rest and regeneration.

Eckhart Tolle's view on this is something I often remember when I am sick:

"It is not true that the up cycle is good and the down cycle bad, except in the mind’s judgment. Growth is usually considered positive, but nothing can grow forever. If growth, of whatever kind, were to go on and on, it would eventually become monstrous and destructive. Dissolution is needed for new growth to happen. One cannot exist without the other…

Your physical energy is also subject to cycles. It cannot always be at peak. There will be times of low as well as high energy. There will be periods when you are highly active and creative, but there may also be times when everything seems stagnant, when it seems that you are not getting anywhere, not achieving anything. A cycle can last for anything from a few hours to a few years…

Many illnesses are created through fighting against the cycles of low energy, which are vital for regeneration. The compulsion to do…makes it hard or impossible for you to accept the low cycles and allow them to be. Thus, the intelligence of the organism may take over as a self-protective measure and create an illness in order to force you to stop, so that the necessary regeneration can take place."

(From ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle)

So now it's Saturday and I am on the mend while my daughter walks around with balls of tissue up her nose. Nice.

When you're sick, life sucks. Nothing else seems to matter because the lack of health and energy overwhelms all things during that time. All you care about is the crappiness running its course so that you can get back to feeling like yourself again.

That being said, being at home sick does have its advantages. Like the luxury of time to contemplate and sort one's mind. Like a reason to slow down and take stock. Like a wonderful visit from a friend with a backpack filled with healthy goodies (pictured below) and the tools and know-how to fix my bike's flat tire.

Rock on.

*sniffle, cough, hack*

Mandyland Awesome Awards

2011-06-08T09:49:00.000-07:00

In light of an awards ceremony on June 5th, 2011 that left me and a few other artists feeling left out when we did not win our respective awards, I have decided to create the Mandyland Awesome Awards which are purely based on your personal level of awesomeness because then everyone who rocks in any way, shape or form can win!

Since this is Mandyland, I get to decide what goes on here, and I think it's high time we celebrate those people whose presence alone makes a difference in our lives. Those who give us warm fuzzies whenever we're around them. Those whom we can count on. Those who make us smile, make us strive for more, or make our shitty days a lot less shitty.

The Mandyland Awesome Award is for everyone, especially those with spunk, a fire within, and a light that shines wherever they go. It is for the big-hearted folks, the honest folks, the selfless and self-loving folks, the unconventional and the bold, the modest and the strong, the creatives, the mystics, the thinkers, the doers, the mothers, the fathers, their kids and their neighbours. The store clerks, your nana, his mentor and her sister.

There is no limit to the awesomeness we will find.

MANDYLAND AWESOME AWARD CRITERIA

It matters not what you do, how you make a living, how young or old you are, your size, your sex, your appearance or your past, or even where you reside in this world. The Mandyland Awesome Award is open to anyone and everyone who is making their little corner of the world that much brighter just by being who they are.

The first recipients of the Mandyland Awesome Award will be Angela Werstine and Kerri Mercer since they were sitting in the same row as me when we realized we did not win in our category at the 23rd Annual KW Arts Awards Waterloo Region. It's not that we thought we were the best of the bunch, it's that we know we rock, there's room for each of us, and we'd all love to win something special with our names on it.

To have been nominated is an honour to be sure, but let's face it, everyone deserves to be recognized for the contribution they make in this world, no matter what it is. We all deserve to shine. We all deserve to win. We all deserve that "WOOHOO! YOU FREAKING ROCK!" response from the world.

And that is just what the Mandyland Awesome Award will do:)

HOW TO NOMINATE YOURSELF AND/OR A FELLOW HOTTIE

If you would like to nominate yourself (because you already know you rock), or another (because they rock your world), this is what you'll need to do:

Email me (Mandy) at herhappyhighness@gmail.com with the following:

1. The nominee's full name, email address and/or FB link, and a great picture of them.
2. A short write up/poem/song/dance/video/anything about how this awesome human has impacted your life and/or the lives of others. Please focus on who they are as a person (not on their worldly accomplishments) and how their presence in this world makes our days even lovelier. If you choose to do a write up, do not worry about grammar and spelling because I will edit each piece myself. Your loving and/or humourous write up will be included along with the photo of the nominee on this blog.

*If you choose to remain anonymous, I will honour that. I will still need your write up as well as the nominee's email address and picture.

THEN WHAT?

Well, I will read all these wonderful nominations and probably shed a tear or two, or giggle and just be grateful for all the awesome humans that surround me. I will email or Facebook each nominee to congratulate them and let them know they have been nominated for an Awesome Award with a P.S. that says YOU WIN! Then I will add their picture on this blog and on Facebook along with the write up about them. Since I don't know how many entries I will receive, it is hard to say how many virtual awards will be given out. But there is no limit. This is a year-round process but I will be doing a monthly count and shout out to all our awesome winners.

Once we have a slew of awesome hotties collected, all Mandyland Awesome Award recipients will be invited to an annual thingamajig which will be I don't know where or when, but it will happen and it will be awesome. At this annual (or semi-annual if there are a ton of awesome hotties in waiting) the actual Proof of Awesomeness Certificates will be handed out to those in attendance.

You can receive your certificate at any time however, by sending a large self-addressed stamped envelope to Mandyland Awesome Award Sponsor, RareFunk! Here's the address!

Mandyland Awesome Award c/o RareFunk
91 King Street West
Kitchener, ON
N2G 1A7

Or you can pick it up in Cambridge, ON. Email me (Mandy) at herhappyhighness@gmail.com for the mailing address and to set up a time to do so.

The goal of the Mandyland Awards is pure fun, a celebration of good people from around the world, and a reason to smile.

I am sooooo looking forward to your entries! Let the collection of awesome humans begin!:)

Here is a glimpse of the Mandyland Awards blog!

I Prayed

2011-06-08T09:47:00.000-07:00

I prayed for change, so I changed my mind.
I prayed for guidance and learned to trust myself.
I prayed for happiness and realized I am not my ego.
I prayed for peace and learned to accept others unconditionally.
I prayed for abundance and realized my doubt kept it out.
I prayed for wealth and realized it is my health.
I prayed for a miracle and realized I am the miracle.
I prayed for a soul mate and realized I am the One.
I prayed for love and realized it's always knocking, but I have to let it in.

~Mastin Kipp

A Call For Support

2011-05-24T14:02:00.000-07:00

Today's message is one that is close to my heart, and I am hoping that by the end of it, you will be moved to support me in a way you could not before now. In a way that will make an incredible difference in my life, no matter how small your contribution may be.

THANK YOU

But first, let me thank you. For following my blogs and Facebook updates, joining my pages, reading my notes, books, and column, listening to my radio show, watching Sexpot Studio, taking my classes, and for taking the time to share your thoughts, personal stories and words of encouragement, love and support.

Over the years I have received hundreds of heartfelt messages from people around the world who have been inspired by the things I write and the way I live my life. Many of your words have brought me to tears and kept me going when I felt like giving up, and your loyalty has astounded me time and again.

Without your feedback I doubt I'd have been able to create such an incredible body of work. I would have either given up long before now, doubted my ability to make a difference, or wondered why I was even bothering to share my heart and soul the way I do.

But you have received me so beautifully. You have validated my efforts and proved to me that a life based on principles is one worth living. You have shown me that authenticity is a universal craving, that being real changes more lives than pretending to be someone you're not, and that it's okay to be human.

Many of you have been there through my highs and lows, both celebrating and crying along with me. Pivitol moments included my mom's death from cancer, my cat Tom's passing, my dealings with haters and a few depressions in between. Highlights included my projects (The Poet & The Butterfly, GODS & DIVAS, Mandyland in Echo Weekly, Mandyland Radio & Sexpot Studio) and my daughter's entry into the world of photography. All of these things I shared with you and you were there to offer so much feedback, love and encouragement. You have been so supportive over the years that I consider you, and all my cyber friends, an extension of my family, because I know you care and I know I am not alone no matter how alone I may feel sometimes.

So thank you, thank you, thank you.

MY CHOSEN LIFESTYLE

Second, before I make my request, I'd like to give you an overview of Mandyland. Many of my followers will already know these things (as it is probably found in many posts on various blogs), but for those who do not, I will explain. I live my life off the grid, in the sense that I do not work in a conventional manner and do not get paid the way that most people do. This is my choice, because it allows me to do what I most love to do: live naturally, reflect, explore the inner realm, and report back to the world through notes, blogs, updates and videos.

As is stands, society is not set up to financially compensate people like me for the gifts we offer. I get paid to fold shirts but not to change lives (except through my classes-more on that in a minute), and so for someone like me, whose contribution to this world are ideas, reflections, insights and wisdom, it is not very easy to make a living. My options are:

1. To work a 'regular' job that would take away the time and energy (and passion!) I need in order to create and produce work that actually makes a difference in this world.
2. Do the work I am destined to do (writing and sharing) instead of working like most people do, and be broke, because who pays to read insightful posts, updates and notes?
3. Find a way to eat, pay the bills AND do what I love.

In an attempt to avoid merging with society more than necessary, I have opted for #3. I have, over the years, done what I can to not have to end up in a 9-5 that would undoubtedly kill the spirit that I am most known for. Time and time and time again I have gone broke for the sake of having the time freedom to do the work I know I was born to do. I have declined many offers offer the years that would have paid more bills, but at a cost to me. Either it would have made me miserable, gone against my core values and principles, or it just didn't feel right, which was enough to make me say no.

What I ended up with was a relatively empty bank account but a fulfilled spirit because my work drove me to heights that money could never buy. I am an idealist, to be sure, which may or may not be my curse, but I always believed that all my hard work would pay off; that I would one day reap the benefits of staying true to myself despite societal pressure to do the opposite. I was more concerned about doing what was right than what was guaranteed. Hence, a bohemian with no savings but a wealth of life that most people can't claim. Everything I do, I love, even working at Mark's Work Wearhouse. But would I work there if I had all the money I need? No. I'd stay at home and write. It just happens to be the perfect fit in the meantime: flexible, great staff, great environment, and doing an activity that I actually enjoy: making things look fabulous! I also have 2 great bosses that respect and honour me and my other work, so if I am caught up on a creative project I am free to switch the days and times I come in. I am very blessed that way.

WHAT I LIVE ON

This wealth of life and fullness of spirit gives the impression that I am financially wealthy, or so I'm told. People who meet me, read my work, see me in the videos or in my modeling pictures, automatically assume I have money. They also assume by all the work that I do, that I must be getting paid well for it. Well, y'all are wrong, and the tax man and my book keeper can vouch for it.

Here is my monthly income:

$40 per week from Echo (I get paid per piece).
$82 per week at Mark's (8hrs at minimum wage).
$25 per week from each Mandyland Radio sponsor (currently I have 2)

That is the income I can count on. That is what I live on. And the monthly Child Tax Credit is always my saving grace. I am not sure how much you live on, but I wonder if anyone could live off what I do and actually still remain happy to work, inspired to write, and generous enough to give away $100 to a good cause without even thinking twice. That's what I did recently, despite the fact that it is like 75% of what I make in a week.

You might think, holy shit woman! What the hell!? How can you live off that? Or, Why don't you work more hours at Mark's? Why don't you charge more for your sponsorships? I'll tell you why. Because I was working 12 hrs at Mark's for a time and it was overwhelming. Not the work; but the crunch of 3 days going into work (4 hr shifts) when I had so much else to do creatively. So I cut back to 2 shifts per week to keep the balance in my life. As for the radio show, I support local and independent businesses, so why the hell would I want to take more from them? They need all the support, promotion and money they can get, and I am happy to provide that service.

I view both my Mandyland column and Mandyland Radio as my contribution to society. I do it because there needs to be a spot where courageous independents are showcased and applauded for breaking out on their own. I do it because it's the right thing to do. I have the voice and the forum to help them get known, so I use it. Is it my passion? No. Navigating the inner world is. Connecting deeply with others is. That's where Sexpot Studio, GODS & DIVAS, and my various blogs and notes come in.

But these are not the things I typically get paid for. Yes, of course people pay for my classes, but if you saw the paperwork you would see that I offered more of them for free or reduced prices than I ever accepted full payment for. You would see that 3-6 months can go by without a paying class, and you would see that apart from the time I couldn't pay my rent or buy groceries last year, I actually didn't care that I wasn't making more money. If I had enough to live, I was content and my desire to help others was paramount. I just wanted to be free to write, to connect deeply, and to not have to work in a job that I hate, spending hours upon hours away from the work that I was born to do.

Now I know there are many artists who can do their craft outside of a regular job, but that has never been me. I chose to go into credit card debt to finance both my books, to make ends meet during the months I didn't teach, just so that I wouldn't have to go and work in the world like everyone else. Because I knew that if I did, I would be reduced to something I could not bear.

I would rather die than live like the masses. I would rather financial debt than poverty in my soul. I would rather write this note than do anything else right now, and so, this is why I make the choices that I do.

BEING BROKE ISN'T COOL

I do not think that being broke or poor or in debt is admirable. I do not believe in the starving artist mentality either. I think abundance is our birthright, on all levels, and I know I am destined for an incresingly abundant income. I just haven't gotten there yet. Primarily because it's not a product that I sell (apart from my books-which I often give away for free), it's me.

The product is Mandy's life and inner world on record for all to see and explore. How the hell would I market something like that? Exactly. Yet it is the thing I am the greatest at. It is my gift. It is what affects others the most: my videos and my writings and my presence and my ability to live life with a zest that is rare in our world.

I infuse the cyber and real world with something intangible, yet powerful, meaningful and potent. Yet I do not have a company or a network or an investor or even a partner in life backing me as I do what I do. What I have is Mandyland; a sacred place where I merge with the world in the best way I know how: through words. No one pays to be part of Mandyland because it is free for the world to see. And I certainly have no intentions of changing that because I must do what I do. It is encoded within me. I must share. If I did not write or speak about the things that matter, I would self-combust. And so I write, and I write, and I write.

And you may think: Why not write more books and sell those? Because as you will know if you read my money blog, my goal is to pay off my debt now, not to increase it. Because it costs money to produce them, and as you can see above, I don't have that luxury. I am hoping this post will change that reality.

MY REQUEST

So here is my request, and know that it is an open and sincere one, and not an expectation at all. If you have the means and the desire to donate any amount as a 'thank you' or a 'way to go, keep going girl', I have now included a PayPal option on each of my blogs. Even $1 makes a difference because I know I have thousands of followers who have been changed by my work. I know that many of my notes have inspired beautiful tears, much needed laughter, inner knowing, positive change and increased self-love and self-understanding. And so, for all that I have provided, I ask that you consider sharing what you can to enable me to keep going while living the lifestyle that supports me in giving my best to my readers and to the world.

You do not need a credit card to use PayPal. You can get it set up with your regular bank account. That's what I have done. You can make a one-time payment or pay each time my work hits home and makes a difference. Or, you can continue to support me through words of encouragement. I do not expect everyone to be into this idea, and I am taking a chance with it anyways.

I want to be clear that this is not a desperate plea and I am not asking for a handout. I am clearly able to eat from what I make through my paid work. What I am wanting is to find a way to get paid for my 'real' work, which I know has an incredible impact on many of you. I have given so freely for so many years and it would be a dream of mine to be financially applauded for my courageous offerings. I am proud of my collection of writings. I am proud of the difference I make in this world. And I am proud of the way I choose to live my life. It may not be conventional, but it works, and if you value what I do, then please consider a contribution.

Once more, only do what feels right to you. There is no pressure. Just an opportunity for you to share a resource (money) if you so choose, in exchange for the impact that I have had on your life.

Thank you for reading my request. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me at herhappyhighness@gmail.com.

With love,
Mandy

On Writing, Dying, Love and My City

2011-05-22T22:58:00.000-07:00

(Written May 20, 2011)

Everybody has to find his or her own way of witnessing, and the only way I can effectively witness is by writing. ~Geoffrey Hill

So much to say; only one keyboard:) I don't even know where to begin because my mind is spinning with countless words I wish I could splatter onto the screen without having to form the sentences myself. Because it takes time, and the time it takes has the potential to dilute the feelings, the inspiration, the potency of this insatiable need to catch it while you can. I would love an instantaneous outpouring of multiple lines but the computer and limit of two hands prevents it.

It's just one of those times when life becomes crystal clear, and its beauty can't help but bring you to tears, and you just can't wait to sit down and write about it; to claim it; because it too shall pass.

I have no journal at the moment. I filled the last page in my most recent one two days ago, and I have yet to pick up another. I will do that today after my note and some tanning, and will probably spend much of the long weekend with a pen in my hand.

Since my mind is overflowing with the happenings and insights of yesterday and last night (which I am about to share), I think I will simply make a list as the reflections come to me. I just need to get them out before they dissolve into the abyss of life that continues to flow. That's how I feel about all inspired moments: catch them while you can. Because life goes on, new conversations replace the old ones and as a writer or any other artist, you may have wished you had noted that marker moment or day before it faded away.

It's our job as artists to capture and deliver these gifts while we still have the light, because some day we won't. Some day we will no longer be here to share our musings, our take on the world, our unique contributions to this thing called life. I suppose this knowing is the reason I share so openly with others; through both my writings and my videos, as well as in person. It's what I was born to do: share. Maybe not my physical presence; because as those in my life know, I am highly selective about who I spend my time with, and even the ones I love the most rarely get to see me; the exception is my daughter and kitties, of course:)

So in a way, my willingness to be so open and vulnerable with the world through words, both written and verbal, requires the quiet and tiny bubble that produces it. I need both to function in this world. I need my time to just be, and time to deliver things to the public. I feel like I really have found the perfect balance. I have everything I need; support, love, food and shelter, my health and my well-being, and the freedom to express and live in a way that is off the grid. I know I could not function in a 9-5 earning money in the way most people do because I would lose all the things that make me the happiest and I would not have the time or the energy for the things that truly matter to me. This is why my life as a bohemian is paramount to me living at all. If I was forced to live as most people do, I wouldn't even bother. I wouldn't trade aything for the life I've created. Custom Mandyland creation right hurr;)

Anyways, I seem to have written a novel before I've even begun:) Here are the things I wanted to note:

My Brilliant Idea!

So yesterday I woke up with what I thought was the most brilliant idea for our European adventure. Going to Europe this summer, for the whole summer, so that Paige and I could experience the culture, travel throughout, begin networking and THEN determine where we would most like to get stationed. Then, we return to Canada, she finishes high school while I work on obtaining a work visa, and when she's 18, off we go. I get a place there and she leaves me for the world:) Sounds smart right? (Ignore the fact that I have zero savings or a means at the moment to make a European summer rendezvous a reality, but I was willing to rack up another credit card to make her dream come true while giving me what I would need before a big move: to experience the place and get things lined up before abandoning my perfect life here).

I also had another great idea to go along with this plan: www.couchsurfing.com. If you love to travel then get on that site. It connects travellers with hosts through a very public forum that includes visible references and friend connections from all around the world. Keveen was the one who introduced me to it and I have been a member since 2007 and in 2008/2009 when I was first entertaining the idea of moving to Italy with Paige (at the end of elementary school and before she started high school). I joined the Italy group on the site and the members (most of which live in Italy) gave me a wealth of info on jobs, how to get into the country, and the best places to live. I also got a number of offers from people to house us until we got our feet on the ground. Yes, that's what couchsurfing is like. Strangers helping strangers and extending good will to all. Well, almost all. Of course you need to trust your gut and only do what feels right (like I feel most comfortable being hosted by families or females), but I have hosted and been hosted over the years and every experience has been a good one. I no longer host because I've become very hoggish about my home and personal time, but I still stay on the site in case I can offer info to fellow travellers.

Anyways, I knew I could arrrange for Paige and I to be housed during the summer quite easily, and would have the benefit of being with a local, being fed, learning the language on site, and have the opportunity to explore the area with a guide. Brilliant, right? Well, Paige said no. That's her idea of hell and it's the exact thing she's trying to avoid. She then schooled me on her mission: self-reliance. She wants to travel, yes. But not with me or anyone else. She wants to explore Europe on her own. Period. If we moved there together it would only be a foot in the country for her and she'd be on her way. She has no desire to be housed with strangers, engage in small talk with people she doesn't even care about over meals she doesn't want to eat with them, and have teathers in a new country. What a kid. I fucking love her. So basically, she could care less if I move to Europe because she won't be home anyways:) LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!! As she said, at 18 she's moving there no matter what, and has no desire to go there ahead of time to travel if she'll just be coming back to Canada. She wants to go and be gone and start her new life where she feels she belongs. My kid rocks. And me, well, I need a concrete plan in place before leaving, which I find so interesting because I don't require that in any other area of my life. Paige typically mocks my way of living and my belief in the universe and always trusting that things will work out (they always do), even though I rarely know how. Yet here she is, with no plan and no fear; just a knowing. Now she gets it:) And I suppose if moving was my ultimate dream, I'd already be on that plan because when I am ready for something, I do it. So the fact that I'm not, means it's not for me to do. At least not right now. I only do things when they feel right and when I am inspired to do them. Not one moment before or after.

My Home

Last night's insightful conversation with Paige brought us both to tears. It was beautiful. We talked about everything under the sun, but especially about her dreams and the reality that my little girl is growing up. My idea to move us to Europe was more for my benefit than hers it turns out:) Can you blame a mother for wanting to be on the same continent as her daughter? For wanting to be the one to get her settled in a new country before saying good bye? Exactly. And it's not like Paige is saying no to me being there, because sure it would be nice to have the mom you love on the side of the world that you're on. What she is saying is that me and the cats and her best friend are not deciding factors in her decision to get the hell outta dodge. She has nothing holding her back. She needs to do this. It's her journey. She feels like her time here is done. How can I not respect that?

And then we talked about the reality of my life here. I am happy. I love the people in my life, the work that I do, and my kitties and my beautiful home. I'd be leaving everything whereas she is leaving nothing. I am rooted in my home and city (quite happily), whereas Paige is rooted in herself. This here is not her life, she is simply sitting in on mine until her time comes to create her own, which is how I felt growing up as well. I had no choice but to live with my family of origin so when I was old enough to leave, I left, with Paige in my arms and a mother who told me I wouldn't make it on my own. I know is was her own fear and insecurity talking, but it made it that much easier to want to leave for good. Leaving home, especially as a young mom, wasn't easy, but my desire to give Paige something wonderful was more important to me than my need for security at home. I wanted the same thing Paige now wants: freedom from home, parental influence, and others, even society, trying to tell you what you should be.

Paige's independence is incredible. And her security in herself and her desire to just go and live and leave me is actually a wonderful compliment to me as a parent. She has a confidence and a surity about herself that I wish I had growing up or even in my 20's.

What really struck me last night, was when Paige advised against me moving to Europe just to be close to her. She reminded me that I have everything that makes me happy right here, and she is worried that going to a new country without having them, will lead to a depression. She is aware of how difficult it is for me to cope with changes; especially big ones. And this brought me to tears. Not only that she knew me so well but that she even cares. I can spiral down so easily if certain things are not in place for me, and I have worked very hard over the years to create a lifestyle that allows me to function without the extreme highs and lows that marked much of my life. Uprooting all of these things would probably put me somewhere I'd rather not go. For me to move (and be happy), I would need a high level of security...meaning, a secure (and beautiful) home, a job that suits me, and the freedom to live there as I already live here. Quality of life is the most important thing, and struggling in a new country to make ends meet is a lot different than effortlessly making ends meet here.

That being said, I don't want it to sound like my departure from home would destroy me, because I think it has the potential to liberate me. What I am saying is that I am aware of the things that have contributed to my overall well-being, and I am just not willing to go without these them if I don't have to. And now is just not the time. At this point in my life at least, I am not cut out for world travel on a whim. If I had the financial means to take care of everything no matter where I am, then that's a different story. The thought of going from couch to couch and in limbo all the time hardly appeals to me. Better to be rich and buy a home in Europe that I can go to 6 months of the year while enjoying the rest of my time here. I sound so posh, don't I?:)

So Now What?

So where does this leave things? Well, it was only a discussion, but an important one. Nothing is set in stone other than the fact that my little girl is leaving the country in 2 years (or sooner if she can), which makes me proud and oh so sad.

For 16 years Paige has been the grounding force in my life, and the time is nearing that my babe will be leaving and starting her own extraordinary life. Her birth represented the birth of myself, and her impending departure will no doubt represent a whole new chapter for me: life without my girl; my rock; my partner in crime, in the sense that we have always been a team. It was always just her and I, and because of that, we are extremely close. She and my bestie are the closest things to me, just like me and her bestie are the closest things to her. What a gift. One that both my mother and grandmother envied and applauded before my mom died. They wished they could have shared with one another the kind of connection I share with my daughter.

I know I will end up in Europe no matter what. I still feel like I am meant to be there at some point. I just know (after last night's discussion) that the conditions need to be right for me to go there anytime soon. And I trust that everything will absolutely fall into place when the time is right because that's just how life works. No need to worry about a thing. I know that Mandyland is a universal land, and can secure itself in any part of the world quite beautifully, but only if I feel ready and am guided to that particular place.

On a side and romantic note: I also believe that my future beloved whom I have yet to meet, may be the missing piece in this equation. Maybe when he arrives I will be ready for more worldly adventures because I'll have the perfect sidekick coming along for the ride:) I have yet to meet my one and only (if I had, we'd be together) but when I do, oh boy!:) I can't wait! And who knows? Maybe he awaits me in Europe, where I will inevitably end up at the perfect time. Or maybe he will escort me there so we can check up on the kid I am so damn proud of:)

Either way, I am destined for true love in this wonderful life of mine, and to stay connected to the child who happened to be just what I needed to make my world as beautiful as it is.

My City

Yesterday was a surreal experience for me. With the knowledge that I might soon be leaving this city behind (this was before Paige and I chatted), it made me love every little thing that much more. When I did my interview for an upcoming Mandyland column yesterday morning, getting the goosebumps I often do when I meet people who are following their dreams, I thought, "How can I leave this city; these people that I am so proud of? There are so many more of them in the region, and more to come, and it fills my heart to tell the world about them and the courageous leap they took to follow their heart and passion."

Then I went to my friend Sabrina's for a quick lunch, knowing that I am welcome at her place whenever I am in her part of town, and I thought, "She is part of my family. This city is filled with my family. It (and the people in it) takes care of me. They love me. I make a difference. If I ever lost our home, or heaven forbid, lost Paige, it would by my city, my friends, my cyber loves and those who have been touched by my presence, my words and my life, who would help me pick up the pieces. I would not be left alone. I would not be abandoned. I would not be without. I would never go hungry. This is my home."

And even though I am only 35 years young, I have always felt like I was 80; keenly aware of the reality that I will not always be here, and the ones I love will not always be here, so in the end, what really matters? It's love. It's the connections with those you love. It's spending your short time on earth doing what your heart and soul beckon you to do. It's not wasting life in a shitty job, a shitty relationship, or in my daughter's case, in a part of the world you know is not where you belong. If I was financially wealthy, I would pay for everything that would allow Paige to travel without worry and I'd be sending her off tomorrow and she could finish her last 2 years of school online while on the road. That's how much I love her. Enough to let her go.

As for me, I have it all. Well, everything except my imperfect king who is perfectly suited to me. But I know he is out there because I am right here. And my favourite man, who is making his way through Canada by foot right now, well...our love never changes. Time and space has no affect on what we feel, but we are both aware that I am hungry for the holy grail of relationships: my twin soul, and we know that is not him, despite our deep love. What we share is incredibly sacred and special to me, and him, and he will always be there. But I know what I know, and I will have what is meant for me. When the time is right, of course.

Now that I see how much I've written, I honestly wish I could get paid per line:) And if I got a dollar for every time I opened my heart, I'd be a millionaire. Why can't we get paid like that? For the love we give and the truth we bestow, in addition to the things we create? That would be awesome.

We All Die, And So...

What else would be awesome is leaving this earth while hanging on my couch surrounded by my kitties, my kid, my love, my closest friends, and the sun beaming in as it always does. Or maybe take the couch outside and bask in the sun as I take my last breath. That would be wonderful. I know we can't choose how to die, but I still think of these things sometimes. And I think of how I'd spend my last hour here on earth, a lot, and so I try to live my life based on that. On not spending time on things that count for nothing in the end.

If you're lucky enough to get old, you die in a room of things you've collected over the years, and your last thoughts are probably not of your business, your house, the money, the awards, or the shows you watched. I imagine everyone's last thoughts are of the ones they love and the memories that really meant something. So why even wait until you're on your deathbed to consider living more fully? It's foolish to believe that you've got forever and that the ones you love will be here forever. You don't and they won't. All you really have is this moment. You, or the one you love, may not be here in the morning.

So love this moment with all you've got. Live to the point of tears. Listen to your child. Hold out for the man or woman of your dreams. Let go. Quit your job and do what you love. Get some sun each day. Give yourself permission to be happy and live the life of your dreams, because unless you're a friend or daughter of mine, you probably won't have someone telling you to do it. Don't wait for things to be perfect. They never are. But you are, just like that. And live, dare to live. Dare to feel. Dare to be real. Dare to be yourself in a world that encourages people to live without thinking, questioning or believing in the unseen.

That is my wish for you and for my daughter <3

With immense love and gratitude for this beautiful, sunny day, my beautiful, cozy home, and the power of technology that allows me to share my heart with you.

Mandy

Change Can Be Vomitrocious

2011-05-22T22:57:00.000-07:00

(Written May 19, 2011)

So here I am on my cozy couch reflecting on the idea that some day in the distant or not so distant future, I will no longer be living here in my beautiful home and city, let alone sitting on my beautiful couch. This both excites me and makes me want to hurl.

As many of you know from my recent updates, Paige and I are planning a move to Europe. No big deal;)

Truth be told, it's no big deal for Paige (whom I will talk about shortly), but for me, well...I'm pretty sure I'll end up with a stroke. I am bold and fearless with words and ideas, and I don't think twice about implementing new creative ventures immediately with no background knowledge or conventional expertise. I have an inspired idea and just do it with the resources I happen to have at the time. I am happy to learn as I go along and I am not too invested in how it will be recieved by others. I just do the things I feel compelled to do and so far things have worked out favourably. GODS & DIVAS, Mandyland Radio and Sexpot Studio were intuitively created and I am proud of the effect they have had on others.

But when it comes to physically leaving my comfort zone, I'm a real pussy. My security in life comes from the home I've created and the quiet and lovely bubble I inhabit in Cambridge. And from my kitties and the very teeny tiny sacred circle of close friends I surround myself with. I honestly could spend the rest of my life here in this house, in this city, and not feel like I was missing out on a thing.

My passion has always been inner transformation, and although I have not done a whole lot of traveling through the world, I feel that I am well-traveled in the inner realm. I explore countless parts of myself and report back my findings to those who may also be interested in traveling to the places I have been. I feel deeply connected to the world in that way, because many of the things I talk about and share are universal experiences. Many people can relate. And so for me, that is equal to me traveling the world. I do connect with the world, but from a very small yet expansive place.

My very first trip out of Canada was just last year and it took some convincing to go. An opportunity to explore NYC came up and the thought of leaving the country made me want to barf. And that was just a 4-day trip. The deciding factor was a comment from the man I was crazy about at the time, who happens to be a world traveler. Because I respect and value his opinion and experience, him simply telling me to go despite my terror was enough for me to suck it up and book my flight. Sure I felt like bailing a few times after the fact (due to sheer terror!) but thank god I didn't because it was the greatest time and trip of my life and I got two incredible friends out of the deal:)

(Side note: The men I love (or have loved) the most rarely live in the same country, province or city as me:) I love eccentrics; those who simply stand out from all the rest, and none of them are from Cambridge. My favourite man (who is Arabic) is currently walking through Canada. Just because:) He left May 1st and by Friday he was in Tobermory. And then of course there was Keveen from France (my co-author of The Poet & The Butterfly) who is well-known for his love-spreading adventures throughout the world (www.korakor.fr). Check him out! And then the one I never name but still affects me more than anyone else. Well, he happens to be in Russia at the moment after a recent visit to Hong Kong last month. Like WOW! So yeah, I find it pretty neat that these fascinating men move about as I stay stationed on my couch:) Side note complete:)

In some respects, given that I am so homebound, it seems absurd to me that I am considering a move to a different country. Especially one I have never even been to. So maybe I will visit first to at least get a feeling for the place, or... just sell our shit, cross my fingers, hop on the plane and hope for the best:) Regardless, I have always felt a pull towards Europe for reasons I have yet to understand. It just feels like my real home awaits me there, even though I feel right at home here as well.

What I do know is that Paige is destined for Europe. She has been wanting to move there for years and has been counting down the years until she is free to move out and far, far away. She doesn't care where in Europe because she plans to travel throughout; she is just certain that she doesn't belong in Canada; especially in Cambridge:) I fully support her dream and I will do what I can to help her realize it, which is why I would be willing to up and go along with her. When she turns 18 she will be leaving with or without me, so I figure if I can find a way to have us move there together before then, then at least I will be there to help her get set up in a new country. I think it would be an incredible adventure, and if after a year or two I felt the need to return to Canada, well then I could do that while she does her thing. At least I'd be there for the transition. That feels important to me. And I really do feel like I will fall in love with the country and find the perfect spot for Mandy to write, sun bathe, eat and make love:)

As for us potentially leaving before she graduates, well, in our house, school is not too highly regarded (depsite the fact that I have both a college diploma and an honours degree) because I believe life is the greatest teacher there is. Paige has more absences than all her friends (the same was true in elementary school) because 5 full days of school (or work for that matter) out of 7 just seems absurd to me, so a lot of skipping goes on. I would not be so liberal if she were struggling in school, but she doesn't, so it's all good. I do expect her to finish high school (which may be done online or through homeschool if we move before she graduates), but I do not push post-secondary at all. I encourage her go just go live and explore and travel and try things and find neat ways to get by and only go back to school when and if she feels ready. School will ALWAYS be there. The opportunity to live and travel without much responsibility will not. She already knows she would take photography if she did go to college, but she certainly has no plans to go to school in Canada:) And since she's already bilingual, she will have no issues picking up other languages as she goes along.

I kinda feel like Paige's path is set and is unfolding before her, whereas mine is now being shaken. I spent today feeling incredibly overwhelmed, terrified and like I was about to throw up-and that was just from researching the logistics of moving to a new country! The idea of selling all our things doesn't phase me because they are just things. I have already started pricing things on paper and making lists of things I'd need to do to prepare for the move. What I find very unsettling however, is the idea of being homeless, even temporaily. I am just so home-based. I have spent years creating our sanctuary (my bubble) and I am just not keen on abandoning it (bursting that bubble). Paige reminded me however, that I can create another beautiful home (bubble) anywhere else. I know she's right.

And in the end, if we are to move to Europe together, what we have is one another, and that's what truly matters. I just think it could potentially be the greatest adventure of our lives before she grows up and really moves on, so I am eager to explore the possibility because hey, you only live once right;) That being said, the experience will be much richer if I am not feeling vomitrocious during all of it.

Those who know and love me can appreciate how significant (and terrifying) it is for me to consider a move like this because my home and my kitties are so sacred to me. Those who don't know me well and witness my personality on Facebook probably think the declaration to move to Europe is sooooo Mandy:) Hahaha!!

I'll tell you the ideal Mandyland scenerio though: I meet and fall in love with my twin soul right here in town, and he happens to want to move to Europe (or lives there already but is just here visiting), and the three of us hop on the plane and never look back:) Under this circumstance I think the anxiety of leaving my bubble would be replaced by the anticipation of starting this new chapter with one sexy beast!:) So maybe that's the solution: insert delicious European man here.

That came out wrong.

Anyways, time will tell. I shall work on settling my barfy feelings and getting accustomed to this big change. Because once I'm ready, it's as good as done. I'm just not ready just yet:)

Politics 101

2011-05-22T22:55:00.000-07:00

(Posted May 3, 2011)

In light of our recent election, I've complied some insightful quotes on the subject. Enjoy!

Politics, n: [Poly "many" + tics "blood-sucking parasites"] ~Larry Hardiman

Those who say religion has nothing to do with politics do not know what religion is. -Mahatma Gandhi

It is not in the nature of politics that the best men should be elected. The best men do not want to govern their fellowmen. ~George E. MacDonald

Politics, it seems to me, for years, or all too long, has been concerned with right or left instead of right or wrong. ~Richard Armour

Politics is the art of postponing decisions until they are no longer relevant. -Henri Queille

Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason. ~Author Unknown

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. ~W.C. Fields

We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate. ~Frank McKinney "Kin" Hubbard

All of us who are concerned for peace and triumph of reason and justice must be keenly aware how small an influence reason and honest good will exert upon events in the political field. ~Albert Einstein

I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough. ~Clarie Sargent, Arizona senatorial candidate

In order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant. ~Charles de Gaulle

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where they is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow

George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration for his troubles. ~Author Unknown

Truth is not determined by majority vote. ~Doug Gwyn

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. ~Ernest Benn

We have, I fear, confused power with greatness. ~Stewart Udall

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton

A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. ~Alfred E. Wiggam

Don't vote, it only encourages them. ~Author Unknown

The hardest thing about any political campaign is how to win without proving that you are unworthy of winning. ~Adlai E. Stevenson

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces. ~Maureen Murphy

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right? ~Robert Orben

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown

Conservatism is the policy of make no change and consult your grandmother when in doubt. ~Woodrow Wilson

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle

He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech. ~Richard Darman, director of the Office of Management and Budget, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands

Mankind will never see an end of trouble until... lovers of wisdom come to hold political power, or the holders of power... become lovers of wisdom. ~Plato,The Republic

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno

Some men change their party for the sake of their principles; others their principles for the sake of their party. ~Winston Churchill

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Texas Guinan

If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal. ~Emma Goldman

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? ~Author Unknown

There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators. ~Will Rogers

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop

Politics - I don't know why, but they seem to have a tendency to separate us, to keep us from one another, while nature is always and ever making efforts to bring us together. ~Sean O'Casey

The imbecility of men is always inviting the impudence of power. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

He's not a Republican, he's a Republican't. ~Author Unknown

A conservative is a man who just sits and thinks, mostly sits. ~Woodrow Wilson

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives. ~John Stuard Mill

The qualities that get a man into power are not those that lead him, once established, to use power wisely. ~Lyman Bryson

Politics is war without bloodshed, while war is politics with bloodshed. ~Mao Zedong

Article on Toxic People by Wayne Dyer

2011-05-22T22:53:00.000-07:00

(Posted April 30, 2011)

When you allow toxic people into your immediate energy field, you will find that your feelings of well-being diminish. Just as if you allow someone with a cold to sneeze in your face, you increase your chances of getting sick, you must be careful about whom you elect to associate with to avoid contaminating your life energy.

You need to say good-bye, albeit with unconditional love, to anyone who pollutes your life space with slowed down energy.

If not, you must be prepared to stave off the intrusion of lower energy people first by recognizing it, and then neutralizing it by radiating stronger energy. The problem with attempting to continually be a neutralizer is that the effort required often exhausts you and that level of fatigue makes you susceptible to the lower energies.

Keeping your body energy fields clean by being resolute in your commitment to stay away from those who bring negativity to your life is an important strategy. This is true for any negativity or low energy that regularly invades your body space.

If someone brings anxiety, shame, depression, fear, whining, complaining, apathy, stress, worry, anger, guilt, or any of the multitude of is called lower energy patterns, they are inviting you to join in their misery and load your life up with problems that they live with every day. Become aware of what kinds of energy fields are impacting your body energy boundaries, and resolve to remove yourself from any toxicity that threatens the purity of your life space. When you feel yourself being breached, take immediate action, first by recognizing what is happening, and then moving in counter action.

Watch your breathing, being careful to take long, slow intakes of oxygen. Then consciously send out thoughts of kindness and love. Remove yourself in a conflict-free way from the invading forces.

Anyone you allow to be a regular visitor in your body energy field must come with love, peace, and the higher spiritual energies. Otherwise, vow to implement your silent strategy of removing yourself as quickly as possible from the debilitating energies. This is why those who reach levels of spiritual consciousness have a select group of friends. They treasure their privacy and guard themselves from the marauding forces of lower energy people.

Furthermore, they value silence and a pure environment, moving away from loud people, loud noises, poisonous intrusions, and toxic environments.

Wayne Dyer rocks.

Mandyland 101

2011-05-22T22:52:00.000-07:00

(Written March 7, 2011)

I'm writing this note in response to some feedback I got recently about Mandyland Radio.

And I quote: "You can't just like all your guests. You need to ask hard questions. You need to make them sweat! That's what your listeners want."

Alrighty then, Mr. Got A Bone To Pick With The World. Clearly you have zero understanding about Mandyland. I only interview, feature and spend time with people I like. I am notorious for playing favourites. THAT is the essence of Mandyland. If I think you rock, people are gonna hear about it. Period. So of course I can like all my guests. That's why I invited them on in the first place. Duh.

It's MY land, remember? Filled only with things and people that I love. And because I love them, why would I want to make them feel like shit? Why would I intentionally set the stage for them to feel uncomfortable and never want to return to Mandyland? I wouldn't invite a guest into my home for the purpose of a verbal assault, would you? Don't answer that.

What is wonderful about Mandyland is that everyone feels welcomed and valued. People who are nervous and would have never thought they'd be ok talking on radio, remark how easy it was and how comfortable and relaxed they felt in the studio. I feel honoured by this. And I love knowing that they look forward to coming back on the show.

The goal of Mandyland (both on radio and in my written features) is to highlight remarkable people and businesses that stand out in some way and make a positive impact in the world. They need and deserve to be commended; not made to sweat.

And since the style of Mandyland Radio is conversational in nature (because I tend to talk more than the average human:) I do not use a script or have a list of questions to go by, although I may jot down a few key points I don't want to forget. Basically I just talk with my guests about what they do and the result is an informative, organic, and often humourous show that leaves everyone feeling good, including my listeners.

Life is too short to spend it with douchebags and I pride myself on the douchebag-free environment I maintain in my life, home and work. If that's not what you're looking for or can appreciate, then Mandyland is not for you. Better for you to create your own podcast and do the things that YOU want to do in the way you want to do it, than to tell me how to do mine.

Sincerely,

Mandy Likes Everyone But You Richardson

On Sex, Love & Other Such Nonsense

2011-05-22T22:47:00.000-07:00

(Written February 27, 2011)

Over the years readers and friends have asked me why I don't write more on the topic of relationships. Considering the fact that this is the subject I spend most of my time reading and talking about, I wonder the same thing. I mean, most of my texts, emails and phone calls center around love, boys, girls, relationships, sex, etc., so you'd think it would be what I would write about primarily. But no. Maybe it's because I use up all the words on my close inner circle and my journal, so it just doesn't make its way into a note or blog. Who knows. But today I'm going to share my thoughts on a few subjects that I have toyed or struggled with over the years. And maybe you'll relate. Or maybe you'll just think I'm crazy. But hopefully it will spark some thought for discussion.

Please note that I am simply going to write my first thoughts on each. Therefore, some will probably be longer than others, most will not include full sentences, and keep in mind that numerous books have been written on each so it's not like I can cover everything that has ever crossed my mind on these subjects. These are just the basics of things I have been intrigued by. This is also meant for adults; not kids, and it is written with the assumption that you are taking care to protect yourself sexually, that you only do things that feel right for you, and that you are with a partner who respects you. If these things are not the case, there is a problem, and I suggest you take a look at that before anything else.

Here we go:

Monogamy

Not for everyone, that's for sure. It works when both people value it. It can create a feeling of security within the relationship when both honour it. I think it is a beautiful gift and expression of love between two people who agree and want to live within this paradigm. It is not a cure for jealousy. It is socially accepted and expected in our culture but one look at real people in real relationships and you will find a slew of infidelity within the context of monogamy. It is limiting for certain folks who might want to consider the next topic.

Polyamory

My preferred style of relating because I like to be free to explore whomever I feel drawn to and I value my freedom and independence more than the average person. Open relationships work best when all parties are completely honest about things. It's not polyamory when your partner doesn't know you're fucking someone else. That's cheating. It's deceit. It's disprectful. And it is the reason why I have had so few lovers despite my open nature. I need others to be on the same page and secrecy just doesn't fly with me, and the only man I have found who is as truthful, open and respectful as I am, is the one I am currently with.

Women

I absolutely adore women on so many levels. I feel a kinship with them, naturally, and I celebrate their beauty, intelligence, sensuality and intuition as frequently as I celebrate my own. I feel like I live every man's dream because I get to basically kiss and touch whatever beautiful lady I feel drawn to and don't have the barrier that comes along with being a man. A man is not as free to grope without being deemed a pervert, creep, etc. Most females do not like unwanted sexual attention from a random guy, whereas they often welcome some sexiness from a fellow female. I'm not saying this is fair, I'm just saying that this makes me pretty damn lucky:) Also, I have yet to be with a man who is threatened by me being with another female in any capacity. Men quite enjoy the thought.

Abstinence

A great thing worth exploring as it can deepen your relatonship with yourself and help you to remain focused on your own life and goals. A necessary choice at times when love has left you raw and broken and you need time to recover. The best way to avoid pregnancy and STD's, or the unfortunate result of not having someone to shag for whatever reason. It is not the solution however, to avoid getting close or being hurt in relationships or to express one's anger at a mate. That is a fear-based choice that will not serve you in the long run because we are not meant to guard ourselves from love and everyone around us. On a personal note, I have been abstinent more years than not because I'm pretty picky about who I'm willing to share myself with sexually. During those times I did not percieve it as a negative thing. More often than not it was chosen and I was just as content on my own as I was when a lover was in my world. Self love can go a long way.

Self Love

Code phrase for you know what. Ideally you should know yourself, your body, and what pleases you better than any other. You are your fulltime partner, lover, and friend, so don't neglect yourself with the false belief that someone else should be providing all things to you. You are responsible for your own happiness and for gettng your own needs met.

Sex Toys

Surprisingly enough, I have never used them. I like the real deal. Give me a great man with a hard cock and I'm good to go. That being said, I'm not against them, nor do I feel uncomfortable about the role they serve. I just have yet to explore this area.

Threesomes

Even the word makes me giggle. Threesomes are especially fun when you are not too attached to the hotties you're shagging. But I imagine a threesome involving someone you love can open the door to some unsettling feelings, so I would not recommend it unless you and your primary partner have already built a solid foundation of trust, open communication and emtional safety. Dealing with the feelings and insecurites that may surface requires a committment on both sides to make sure there is space to explore them. Also, threesomes may work best when you are just starting out with a partner, before feelings have had a chance to deepen. One more point: men typically fantasize about being with 2 women. I get it. We're hot. But if I were to consider giving that gift to a man, I think it's fair for me to ask for the same from him. Meaning, he gets what he wants after I get what I want, which would be him and another man of my choosing. Not surprisingly, most men will say no to this. They either don't want to see a naked man, period, or that naked man shagging his lady, or his lady enjoying her time with this yummy second. Most men feel threatened by these things, yet don't think twice about their own request for an additional lady in the bedroom. He wants two women for the purpose of his own pleasure, yet gets his knickers twisted if his woman would like to double her own pleasure as well. Interesting. Something to think about and maybe challenge the next time your man brings it up. I know I am not your average woman, but I know I am not the only woman with a hearty sexual appetite, and I am certainly not one to starve myself, nor am I one to offer a feast to a man who would not offer me the same.

Faking It

This is something I will never understand. If I was not enjoying what was happening with a partner I would sure as hell point him in the right direction instead of going along with whatever he was doing that wasn't working. I actually enjoy feeling good so what purpose does it serve to be silent when that isn't happening? Much better to tell the bloke what's what so we can both have a good time.

Impromptu Orgies

Fun when you are drunk in NYC. Totally worth losing your cell phone for.

Soulmates

I have read more on this subject than any other, I'm sure. Fascinating topic. Personally, I consider us all soulmates because we are all connected at the deepest level whether we are aware of it or not. I could write for years on this but won't.

The One

I have mixed feelings on this. I do believe that certain people match us better energetically than others, and so we radiate on a higher frequency with them than we do with others. All of us resonate with certain people, and when we feel especially connected or 'matched', we feel like we have found the one. But here's my beef: I was energetically matched at the time to every partner I have ever had (or we would not have been together), and I'm sure there were times I felt like each one was 'the one' for whatever reason, but we grew, we changed, we learned our lessons and that energetic charge dissolved and resurfaced with the next teacher/lover/partner which indicated I was ready for the next stage of growth. Therefore, this repeated experience shows me that even though I am currently with a man who is a match for me at this stage of my life, it doesn't mean we will be matched in a month, or a year or 10 years. My deep and beautiful experience with this man will only continue as long as it's meant to. For now he is the only one who has my heart, but no one can control how two people grow and develop, both together and apart, so we simply stay current with one another and keep the lines of communication open.

Open Communication

The base of any solid relationship. I need it like I need air. I hate wondering what is going on. I like things to be transparent so that I have the opportunity to choose what to do with whatever information I am presented with. I feel like I can handle anything if I am told the truth. But I know I cannot handle not knowing something. ALL unspoken truths are felt on a certain level, and this is often the reason why a partner begins to act a little crazy. I know I can act nutty when I feel like something is going on that he/she is not verbalizing, and it is important for both partners to have the courage to be honest with one another. It may not be easy, but half truths are even harder to maintain. Say what you mean. Ask for what you need. Share your feelings, and expect them to be honoured. If you are not free to share your innermost self with your partner without being invalidated, ignored, minimized, ridiculed, or punished in some way, then why the hell are you with that person? You deserve a helluva lot better than that, my love.

Twin Souls/Twin Flames

This concept is the bane of my existence as it is the holy grail of relationships and is the only thing I want and have yet to achieve. It is rare, but inevitable for all of us, even if it takes countless lifetimes, and it is the end result of your soul's work. It is the perfect and divine union with your other half, your twin flame, the one who completes you. Not in the codependent sense, but in a returning home sense. With this person you are free to soar the heights because you both have completed your respective tasks in previous relationships and you are now finally free and ready for the kind of love experience that others only dream about. I personally only know one couple who shares this beautiful gift; Jack & Annie, and I interviewed them last year about their twin soul relationship. They are my heroes, my role models and proof that what I crave actually does exist. When I describe them to others, most are quick to discount it based on their limited perceptions of what a relationship is like. The prevailing beliefs that relationships take work, require sacrifice and compromise, and have a honeymoon phase that inevitably fades out over time, absolutely DO NOT apply a twin soul partnership. With your twin flame, it is effortless. Always. The love only grows deeper over time. Both people are enhanced by the connection, not diminished by it, and this never changes. These are the ones who will be together for life, without question, because they have returned home through one another. They cannot be separated in any way. They cannot be apart because they are one. They share a love and exude a vibrancy that gives life and hope to everyone they come into contact with. They truly only have eyes for one another and they are in each other's every thought, word, and deed. It is said that one's current relationship can be transformed into a twin soul partnership if and when both people are ready and completely available for this life-changing experience. Anything is possible. It's all about timing, readiness, and magic:)

Marriage

GAH!!! I have never been married so maybe I shouldn't even be saying a thing, but marriage has never appealed to me for a number of reasons so in case you feel the same, it might be nice to know you're not alone. Yes I know there are a ton of happily married couples out there and I'm not about to knock them. To each his own and if it works work you, awesome. But this is my note and I have seen more crappy marriages than good ones so here are my thoughts on it (specifically for those who are with someone who is less than their ideal): 1. A piece of paper means nothing and will not bind two people who are not meant to be bound. 2. If you're going to do it, make sure he/she is worth it and while you're at it, plan for the divorce. 3. Staying together in a loveless relationship with someone you've since outgrown just because of this damned and dying institution is absolutely insane. 4. Marriage does not equal happiness so if your relationship wasn't solid before you walked down the aisle, why do you assume that a ring around your finger will make all your problems disappear? That's about as smart as thinking that having a baby with some jackass will make him less of a jackass once all three of you can't sleep though the night. Right. I'm sure I sound cynical, but it's only because I am. There's just something absurd about people investing more time, thought and energy into their big day than they do into their partnership, which I have witnessed and makes me shake my head. Of course I am not talking about everyone here. I have friends who are happily married and I know it is a gift they treasure. So I'm not even sure what my point is other than the fact that marriage isn't always a great idea. Yes there are couples who last and stay matched for many years or for life, but I would guess that most don't, or even if they do choose to stay together, it's not necessarily for the best reasons or they are not entirely happy with this set up and are ashamed to admit it. Also, divorce sucks ass and along with that ordeal there's the kids to think about and share, and payments and lawyers and therapy and I should just shut up. In my opinion, what matters between two people is what they share behind closed doors. Period. It's the quality of the connection that determines all things. If the relationship is on the rocks, nothing external will fix it. And if the relationship is solid, the externals will only enhance it. There, that's what I was trying to say through all those words. P.S. I would 'marry' my twin soul fo shizzle. There would be no minister, no legal paperwork and no stupid DJ, but there would definitely be love, beauty and sacred moments between myself and my beloved and a celebration to remember with all our wonderful guests. Just like one celebrates a birthday, I would celebrate 'our' day, as a way to mark this new chapter of togetherness. Which, I suppose, is why people are drawn to the tradition of marriage. But for those who look to it as a means to feel secure, to 'keep' another, to ensure stability (whatever that means), well, I just don't get it.

Cohabitation

As with marriage, I've never desired it. I mean, I don't even like living with my kid most of the time and we are both counting down the years until she moves out. My cats are the exception. I do love living with them because they don't talk back. Another exception would be my twin soul. I would live with him I'm sure. But for a regular love relationship, no thanks. I love having my own space. I love going to spend the night at my lover's home and returning to my own home the next day. I like each visit feeling like a sexy date because we have prepared for the other's arrival, and I honestly don't dream of the day to day with the same person. I would much rather have the deliciousness I am accustomed to with my lover, than the 'domestic bliss' that others seek with their partner. I don't want to have conversations with my beloved about whose turn it is to take out the garbage. My kid and I are fine having that fight, among others. What I want is to be fed, adored, satisfied and loved. I have that. And I have no desire to upgrade our experience to "Can you pass the remote?" I'd much rather spend the day in bed making sweet love and forgetting about all the things I need to do when I get home.

Skype

I've only used Skype for one reason: to watch a man strip for me. I highly recommend this practice.

Sexting

Best. Thing. Ever. And what a treat while you're waiting in line at the grocery store;)

Love

What's to say, really? Love rocks.

Zeitgeist: Worth Pondering

2011-05-22T22:44:00.000-07:00

Zeitgeist (German pronunciation: [ˈtsaɪtɡaɪst] ( listen)) is "the spirit of the times" or "the spirit of the age." [1] Zeitgeist is the general cultural, intellectual, ethical, spiritual, and/or political climate within a nation or even specific groups, along with the general ambiance, morals, sociocultural direction, and mood associated with an era.

Tonight I watched the movie, Zeitgeist. I found it thought-provoking, uncomfortable and utterly amazing because I have always been fascinated by the subjects of religion, money, power...how humans use them, as well as their motivation behind them. I'm not typically into conspiracy theories, but I am pretty open to most information, if only to understand our crazy world more fully. You don't need to agree with what's presented in this film to benefit from it. There are a ton of wonderful insights that I think would resonate with most people.

Here are some passages from Zeitgeist that stuck out for me:

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They must find it difficult...those who have taken authority as the truth, rather than truth as the authority. -G.Massey

Christianity, along with all other related theologies, is an historical fraud. These religions now serve to detach the species from the natural world, and likewise, from each other. -Zeitgeist

The last thing the power establishment wants is a conscious, informed public, capable of critical thinking. It is in their interest to keep you in a distracted, naive bubble, and they are doing a damn good job of it. -Peter Joseph

The bottom line is that the government is getting what they have ordered. They do not want your children to be educated. They do not want you to think too much. That is why our country and our world has become so proliferated with entertainments, mass media, television shows, amusement parks, drugs, alcohol, and every kind of entertainment to keep the human mind entertained so that they don't get in the way of important people by doing too much thinking. -Jordan Maxwell

Religion can never reform mankind because religion is slavery. -Robert G. Ingersoll

Banking was conceived in iniquity and was born in sin. The bankers own the earth. If you wish to remain the slaves of bankers and pay the cost of your own slavery, let them continue to create money. -Sir Josiah Stamp

The religious institutions in this world are the same people who gave you your government, your corrupt education, who set up your international banking cartels. We have been misled away from the true and divine presence in the universe that men have called God. I don't know what God is but I know what God isn't. And unless and until you are prepared to look at the whole truth, wherever it may go, whoever it may lead to...the more you educate yourself, the more you understand, the place things come from, the more obvious things become. And you begin to see lies everywhere. You have to know the truth, and seek the truth, and the truth will set you free. -Jordan Maxwell

Divide and conquer is the motto, and as long as people continue to see themselves as separate from everything else, they lend themselves to being completely enslaved. However, if the people ever realize the truth of their relationship to nature, and the truth of their personal power to affect change, the entire manufactured Zeitgeist that's preyed upon, would collapse like a house of cards. -Peter Joseph

An evil exists that threatens every man, woman and child of this great nation. We must take steps to ensure our domestic security and protect our homeland. -Adolf Hilter

Religion, patriotism, race, wealth, class and every other form of arbitrary separatist identification, thus conceit, has served to create a controlled population, utterly malleable in the hands of the few. -Peter Joseph

Whoever controls the volume of money in any country is absolute master of all industry and commerce. -James A. Garfield (20th President of the United States)

And since the banking system has a monopoly of the production of the currency, and they loan each dollar out with an immediate debt attached to it...The end result of this system is essentially slavery for it is technically impossible for a government, and thus the public, to ever come out of the self-generated debt. -Zeitgeist

The religious myth is one of the most powerful devices ever created and it serves as the psychological soil upon which other myths can flourish. -Zeitgeist

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace. -Sri Chinmoy Ghose

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And here are some cool things I found online:)

"Zeitgeist is The Da Vinci Code on steroids." -Tim Callahan (Skeptic Magazine)

"Fiction or not, Zeitgeist, The Movie threatens to become the champion of conspiracy theories of today." -Filipe Feio (Diário de Notícias)

"The film is an interesting object lesson on how conspiracy theories get to be so popular... It's a driven, if uneven, piece of propaganda, a marvel of tight editing and fuzzy thinking. Its on-camera sources are mostly conspiracy theorists, co-mingled with selective eyewitness accounts, drawn from archival footage and often taken out of context. It derides the media as a pawn of the International Bankers, but produces media reports for credibility when convenient. The film ignores expert opinion, except the handful of experts who agree with it. And yet, it's compelling. It shamelessly ploughs forward, connecting dots with an earnest certainty that makes you want to give it an A for effort." -Ivor Tossell (Globe and Mail)

A Letter To My Poet: Your Words Kept Me Alive

2011-05-22T22:39:00.000-07:00

From: Mandy Richardson
To: Keveen Gabet
Date: Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I can't believe you actually did this. Oh my God...

I have so much to say...but can't in one email or one night.

Keveen, I am crying...

You actually did this...

After your last email I stopped believing that anything was being written for me. Why then, I don't know. I had never doubted it before then, not once. Time meant nothing to me because I trusted your heart.

But on Monday I began to doubt you and your words...

I imagined a year from now you still saying it's on its way, and I could not bear the thought. It made me mad at you, and that night I felt like such a fool for believing that you would actually take the time to care for me in such a way...

I'm crying right now...

My heart had closed to you last night. Strange, the timing of it all. I cut off from love and it shows up in the mailbox.

I had given up on you, on my 'dream', and resolved to just leave it all behind me and move on. To not expect this 'letter' now. ‘Let it go Mandy. No need to get excited. He's not really doing it. He's leading you on.’ Which felt cruel, because you, more than anyone on this entire planet, knew how much words, especially your words, would mean to me.

And the thought that you might not deliver what was promised to my heart, felt like the deepest betrayal.

My tender, little heart was breaking, beginning to think that I was naive (yet again) and silly for believing.

But here it is. I had no reason to doubt.

As I read your lines tonight my heart reoriented itself to you. I cried. You meant it. It was on its way. I was wrong. Silly me

You sent me this, and so much! I can't stop crying Keveen...

Fuck. I really can't see the board...

When I checked the mail I wasn't even checking for a thing from you. I stopped expecting it. So when I saw it, I was in shock. I ran indoors and turned on the computer just to let you know. I said 'Fuck!' because I had planned to be done with you starting last night (believing something false) and now that would be impossible!

Ahh...the tears have subsided, I can continue.

I imagine I'll need to send a few emails over the next while as I read and re-read your heart. But for now, here's what stood out, the first time...

You mentioned an email I had sent, and how I didn't seem as passionate as I once was.

That was my whole summer. I mentioned to you briefly about a dark period. It was depression. Here I go crying again...hold on...

Keveen, I was at the lowest spot I had ever been. Contemplated ending it all, that's how bad it got. I wrote 4 emails to you during that time that I never sent because I didn't want to burden you. You are such a happy fellow.

Those emails I did not send were the most honest emails I had ever written. I cried during all of them, I had so much to express, and I felt you were the one (and only) being that understood me.

But I was so broken and vulnerable that I couldn't risk being so real, in case you didn't care. So I deleted them each time and sent some shit talk in their place. Even Paige sensed my anguish (how could she not), and suggested I email you and share my heart. She noted that you were the only one I've ever been real with. She is wise beyond her years.

I cut off from everyone, even Geraldine, and spent all my days in tears wanting to just die; to put an end to my inner hell. I doubt you have ever been depressed, but it runs in my family, and my last 'episode' was 4 years ago. Before that I was in the hospital for it. I bet that's hard for you to imagine because of how I am now.

I have done a lot of inner work and a lot of healing to enjoy the life (and general happiness) I have now. I was unhappy all my life, for good reason, and then Paige came into it and I left a royally fucked up home and created something beautiful for her and I.

During the summer, the only joy I felt was the day you emailed me that you had gotten your birthday gift, and the day I spent compiling your package, the poems etc. I was truly happy then and only then.

The only constant during my depression was my sadness and my love for you, which kept me going, so I only ever wrote lovely things to you. You were the one thing that I felt at home with, and even in my darkest hour, I felt grateful that I had experienced the exquisite pleasure of truly loving and being loved in the way I had always wanted. I had wanted it all my life. I told you that. It's true.

I don't even think I'll reread what I'm writing... might delete my truth all over again.

My head hurts and my nose is runny and stuffy.

I'll need to email again tomorrow, maybe after work. So much to say.

But here's a bit more...

So many things in your letter made me laugh so hard! And the picture!!!! I SO LOVE YOU!!! I love it! It was one of my faves on CS! LOL:):) It's so Keveen! I wouldn't want you any different.

I love that you feel understood by me. I hope that's still true. I love that you love the world like you do. You should. More people should. It's only natural.

I do understand it from the girls perspective as well though. They want you for themselves, because it's soooooooooooooooooooooooo good with you, but the rest of us need some too. There's enough Keveen to spread around, thank God!

I also see why they are angry and think you are a jerk. They don't want to understand because it hurts them. They want to be the one and only because they probably felt that way with you. I know I did as you penetrated me from behind. And as you admired my body I felt it was only me you were thinking of, and as we emailed I felt you in your entirety.

It was so comfortable and perfect with you. Every moment was heaven.

I didn't want to hold tight to the experience though, I just wanted to be present for it. And I truly enjoyed every second of your attention on me. The sweetest gift of life.

I wanted your freedom as much as my own; I felt that way right from the start.

You did not know (as I kept my pain out of our emails) that my ex had threatened my life while in a rage after you left Ontario. A possessive man to say the least, and so your entry in my life was a Godsend. You were the opposite; you were what I wanted for myself. Freedom.

It was not easy leaving him. He harassed and threatened and broke in, reading my journals even, without my permission (the highest violation). I have never shared my written inner world until I met you and Melissa, and then after that I remember offering my journals for you to read. That's how safe and honoured I felt. Well, look at all I mailed you, my god. I still regret it sometimes, seeing it as fucked and too much, but it felt so right, and I needed to do it.

And it kept me alive, literally. Sad, but beautiful. Here I am still.

When you came along I thought, 'Now here is a man that gives me life, who is gentle with my heart, who does not demand I stay with him, who wants my happiness, who speaks to me with love...who doesn't hurt me.

See now why your sweet words meant so much to me?

My ex surely offered love, in his own way I suppose, but not in the way I needed or wanted. I guess when you are so hungry for real love you'll take the nearest substitute.

And like I said before, when I met and loved you, I was no longer hungry.

And because of that, I could finally say goodbye to him for good on the day I finished compiling all our emails. He was mad that I would choose to work on my book instead of talk to him (while he was drunk) and that was it for me. Him or my lifeline? An easy choice. And so I said goodbye.

You have no idea how ready I was to finally be free, to shine and love and celebrate! I was so ready for you, and ready for me. It was so beautiful. It still is.

I'm no longer crying, I'm smiling, and I plan not to delete my words this time.

I need to go read your letter again before bed. You are just so fun! What a hilarious trip! It would be fun to unravel and read while high:)

Keveen, I love you for doing this. It was so sweet of you. I love to read your thoughts, your life, and I agree, you do feel like my brother, one I would fuck though. It is a good feeling with you. What we share(d) is/was a gift.

I've been at this computer for hours now I think, and I have to work in the morning so I must sleep. The chocolate will help me stay awake tomorrow though.

I want to email you again soon. I want to digest your letter fully and comment on it, all of it!

You're the best. Sorry I thought you were a schmuck for a few days. I don't anymore. Will you forgive me?

By the way, tonight's group was the second best experience of my life. You know the first already. We all cried a few times and the whole group signed a heartfelt card for me and it brought me to tears. They all felt my group helped to change their lives and the way they viewed themselves. It has been such a sacred experience the whole way through. My next one begins November 7th.

I wish you were here right now so I could pour all my love and happiness into your sweet soul. I would love to hold you, and kiss you from head to toe.

I am tired. It's been a big day for me. Your letter arrived on the most perfect day, Keveen.

I love you so much.

xoxoxox

P.S. The women were envious when I brought the roll to group. The girl on the train was right. Any woman would love to be so loved. You have made me a very happy woman, Keveen.

It's too bad those girls do not understand how you love. They close the door to the gift you're here to bring. Asking you to love just one person is like demanding the sun only deliver one ray of sunshine to just one spot on the earth. And the result is the same: the world would be cold and lifeless. And so, the world needs you and all your love, just as it needs the sun.

I love you so much, did I say that already?

Yours happily,

Mandy xo

A Letter To My Poet: Still The Happiest Woman in Cambridge

2011-05-22T22:37:00.000-07:00

From: Mandy Richardson
To: Keveen Gabet
Date: Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Lovely you,

When I read your message yesterday morning, I left for the day with a smile and spent it in a bubble of love.

To see me, one would have assumed I had just been made love to. Without being touched, I walk around with bedroom eyes. I am moved and touched by all of life.

Living is such an erotic experience for me so much of the time. Even more so when it involves you.

My friend Sonia said it must be nice to be in my heaven. She observed me with amusement as I smiled and thought of you. Wait, was it even thinking? No, it was more like feeling. The feeling of being enveloped by love itself. Yes, that's what it was.

While we were out she took me to a thrift shop and I came across the Amelie CD. My heart stopped and I absorbed this joy for a few moments before buying it for $1.99. What a gift.

In the evening I played it and I wept when I heard the first track, as it brought me back to our ride to Ottawa. Paige was so happy to hear it as well, as she had loved it when she first heard it in the car and had been asking me to get it ever since.

The simplest things are indeed the most beautiful. I have the CD playing right now as I type.

I don't want to have my words of love for you arrive after your birthday so I will most likely be sending them soon. It would mean a lot to me that they are delivered to your mailbox in time for your special day.

With all my love,

The butterfly you helped set free,

Mandy

(Still the happiest woman in Cambridge)

A Letter To My Poet: Maybe You Were Just Being A Poet

2011-05-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

From: Mandy Richardson
To: Mandy Richardson
Date: Monday, June 11, 2007

My dear Keveen,

About our last email, well, it was not me and I need to correct myself.

I am certain that the email didn't even phase you, but for my own peace of mind, I need to address it.

I know we play with words often, it's what we do, and I'm sure you didn't actually expect nudes of me, but although I played along, I wished I hadn't. Though I felt flattered and happy that you wanted to see me bare for your own pleasure, I soon felt badly about it.

The truth is, I would never take the kinds of photos you might have been suggesting or that I was implying that I would send. I was playing along but wished I had just been real, as I am in every email to you.

Images of my body like that, well, they are not for others, maybe one special someone, but he or she would have to be my life partner whom I could trust with all things, and I don't know that the man or woman I end up with would even desire such a thing from me.

I am being photographed nude on Wednesday, but only from behind, for the book cover, as Eshwin and I are trying something different and his initial paintings of me nude are based on a photo of me clothed.

I am much, much more modest than I appear.

When we flirt sexually online, it is only because I have felt safe, respected, cared for and honoured, and because I care for you and you have continued to mean a lot to me, as well as being the last one to have captured my heart.

I would never speak like that to anyone else.

I could also never send nude photos to a man who has no desire for me beyond our occasional correlations. That would only cheapen me, and our experience. So I am sorry that I said what I did. It wasn't me. It wasn't the truth.

I have given it all to you and only you, not that you asked for this, or even earned it, it's just how it ended up.

When I love I give complete freedom because that is what I treasure, and I give my heart and thoughts generously until I am given reason not to. This is a gift and a curse I think.

You may have noticed that I ask very little of you, apart from things relating to the book, because I let people be who they are, and to give as they would like (or not) just as I do.

I am gathering that for you as a poet, it is natural to embellish your words and you can throw out many beautiful and seductive lines without a thought. It's just the way you play.

But for me, all of my lines have been true, and only for you, straight from my heart. And it's not that I had expected as much from you, it was not yours to give. But that does make me the fool because I have always read your words as if I had been writing them myself, believing them all on some level. How else would I have been moved to tears like that?

I know I can be naive, like a child, it's true...

Because I felt so much love in your lines, it did not matter to me then what you shared with others. But maybe I saw only what I wanted to see. Maybe it was my own love that I felt. Maybe your lines were not as personal as I had thought.

Maybe you were just being a poet.

I'm sure you share all your sweet lines with many beautiful women; the ones who capture your attention for a while. And why wouldn't you? It's your gift to give to the world and it is beautiful.

But I do not share my body and intimate words with others as freely as you do, Keveen. I reserve all of me for those worthy of all that I am. And when there are none, I am just as content.

This is how we are different, that is all. It is not a problem, just a fact.

I do love the way you are and I think the world needs more Keveens to spread the love and sweet words. You are such a gift to everyone you meet, and have been such a gift to me especially.

I really don't know how this email will be received by you, if it is offensive or petty to you, but if I am taking the time to write all of this, it must have been very important to me.

Sometimes it is not easy to be real; especially with those you love, because you risk disappointing them, making them angry, or in my case, you risk never receiving another email.

I do hope this will not be the case.

With love,

The one who has loved you with all that was in her heart without regret, even if it was a foolish thing to do,

Mandy

A Letter To My Poet: With Love And Tears Still

2011-05-22T22:33:00.000-07:00

From: Mandy Richardson
To: Keveen Gabet
Date: Sunday, June 3, 2007

Dearest you,

Until this moment I did not realize how much I have missed your emails. Such a simple thing, but my eyes are blurry from tears yet again.

I love hearing from you, always. The shortest line moves straight to my heart.

Thank you for the address, love.

Keveen, ahh…here I am tearing up again. Your presence continues to move me, beyond your words even.

Your essence is like a balm for my soul.

The weeks pass and so much happens in my world, and yet, my genuine love for you seems only to deepen. Strange to me...that I am brought to tears, even in this moment, because we are connected.

Beyond space and time, beyond anything physical, my heart is still devoted to you somehow. I hope you don't mind that I continue to praise and worship you, in my journal, to others, to you.

I am surprised by this; that what we shared has impacted me so much that my days continue to be infused by it. Even more surprising is that I admit this to you. I cannot help it and I wonder how long it will go on for. How does it make sense? That still, almost 3 months after having met you, and having only seen you 3 times, I still feel so close to you.

I keep sending words of love to a man who loves all others, who cannot be touched, but touches many, who falls in love on a regular basis while I stay centered and focused on one.

I do hope you do not misread my words. And I hope I do not appear like a fool to you.

Just like from the start, I do not desire you in a typical sense. I know I am not the one; just one of many. Just like you are not the one, but one of the few for me.

All I want is what we share. All I want is our happiness and freedom, in whatever form.

My life is rich and full and wonderful, and having you be part of it makes it that much richer.

If ever I get to be too much, or my expressions are no longer welcome, please let me know. I do not want to deliver something unwanted.

Till then, expect to share the center of my world with me. Expect to be loved beautifully from afar and expect a little mermaid if ever I were to see you again.

You have meant so much to me, Keveen.

Take care my love, and continue to enjoy all that is around you, all the beauties that you see, all the life that you live.

You are in my heart, my journal, and even my body lately when I am fantasizing about you, which has been happening quite often. Each time I call out your name, each time it is the same scenario, each time I feel reconnected to you and the joy we shared.

With love and tears still,

This is just crazy,

The woman who loves you beyond all things,

Mandy xoxoxo

The Poet & The Butterfly: What Comes After

2011-05-22T22:27:00.000-07:00

From: Mandy Richardson
To: Keveen Gabet
Date: Sunday, February 24, 2008, 4:48pm

Dear you,

Thank you for correcting the passage so quickly xo

And now a story...

After calling every place I could think of, the 6th shop had your scent. I got off the phone and made my way to the mall, to a very small shop called Couture Parfums. She had been expecting me and had the various sized boxes ready for me when I got there. I asked for a sample right away and she sprayed a tester onto a perfume stick.

I smelled it and gave it back. 'That's not it' I said. I felt my heart break.

I looked at the boxes in front of me-all men's, and I asked if she was certain she had used the correct bottle. Turns out she had offered me the women's version of it.

She returned with a new perfume stick and I brought it up towards my face and gently inhaled.

Tears welled up in my eyes and then ran down my face. The clerk gave me a tissue asking me if it reminded me of someone I knew...

I told her the story of you and I and she ignored other customers to hear it. She was touched by my expression and asked my name and the name of the book. She also took a picture of me holding the box that contains the scent of my beloved.

I walked around the mall, repeatedly smelling my wrist, where I had dabbed a drop of you, and the tears would not stop flowing.

They still haven't.

I had to leave the mall because I looked like a fool, smelling my arm and wiping my tears. I did not take the bus home because I knew my sobs would echo inside, and I needed to be alone. So I walked a very long walk, crying the whole way, saying 'It's you', 'You're here', as I smelled my wrist.

Then I stopped by the library to rent Amelie, needing to enter fully, once again, into all of the symbols that lead me to you. With the movie in my hand and the essence of you on my wrist, the librarian asked me when my next book is coming out.

I began to cry.

What a day.

I had my journal with me while I was out today because I knew I would need it. I was already tearing up when I approached the store, so I knew once I actually smelled you again I would lose it. And I did. On the way home I wrote as I walked.

Words to you, words to me. I wonder if there's any difference now.

And as I cried and spoke to you and spoke to God, I wondered if I am destined to live merely with the scent and the memory of the man I adored. Is it not some cruel fate that I should be given a glimpse of heaven and not be able to return to it but through words we had written in the dark?

I know not how to get you out of my system, or why after giving you all of me I have yet to fully penetrate yours. I curse God and not you however, for the depth of the soul who cannot help but pour herself into your beautiful vase.

I feel right back where I started, fully reentering a time that is no longer, but somehow feels brand new.

I am crying each day, some days two or three times, feeling so touched, so alive, so in love with the experience of living.

But in my journal I keep writing 'what comes after?'

I wonder what on earth could follow the best time of my life. How could anything compare? What could top the highest point?

My friends suggest the topper would be a man living in Canada, just for starters:) But I don't believe they understand.

I'm not wondering about a relationship or a man.

I'm wanting to know what could possibly top the experience of my soul's recognition during the time of you; the experience of finally finding the place where I belong.

When I met and fell in love with you, I felt I had returned home, but I have since felt homeless.

This is my dilemma. I had it all. I soared the heights with and through you. And I fear I am destined for mediocricy somehow, because since that time only one thing has truly marked me in a similar way, and that was the graduation of my first Diva class, and your letter only added to the perfection of that night.

So what am I to do? Pray for another miracle like you? Just be grateful that I was able to fully experience something others only dream about?

But there are many more years to live and create, and I can't spend them all knowing what I knew with you, without having a way to keep that knowing close. So until I figure out a better way, Jaipur and Amelie will help me remember the love I once knew; when all was perfect and pure. When my soul grew alive and my life turned brand new.

Keveen, I am certain I will wear your scent each day because for me it is the scent of life and love, of my soul and your words. And to have a daily reminder of the time when all was perfect and magical, is to be reminded of how to live.

I wish I could envelope you forever, in my coat of love. I wish you could feel for me what I have felt for you because it would change everything in your world. But I doubt you need an awakening like I needed when you came along; for you already know how to live.

'He touches all things, and brings them to life', was what I wrote of you 2 days ago...

Yours forever and always, without knowing why,

Love

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The above email was written to Keveen almost a full year after we had embarked upon the adventure of a lifetime, which became the non-fiction soul story, The Poet & The Butterfly: An Intimate Dialogue.

The above picture was taken by the clerk at the perfume shop the day this email was written, after I had cried and shared the story of us.

Thank you for reading our hearts,

Mandy Richardson
www.herhappyhighness.blogspot.com
www.thepoetandthebutterfly.blogspot.com

35 and Supa Dupa Fly!

2011-05-22T22:20:00.000-07:00

(Written January 29, 2011)

So I am officially 35 years young and I’d like to bring in my 35th year by celebrating 35 of my favourite things and maybe make a birthday wish while I’m at it :) Here we go!

35 Things That Make Me Supa Dupa Happy :)

1. My life
2. Great photo shoots with my daughter!
3. My daughter
4. My kitties
5. My beloved friends and family
6. Being treated to dinner and being cooked for and other people’s leftovers
7. Food!
8. The sun
9. Water with lemon
10. Apple Martinis-extra sour!
11. My beautiful home
12. Collecting quotes
13. Facebook connections
14. Working at Mark’s Work Wearhouse
15. Watching videos on YouTube
16. Painted nails!
17. Kisses, intimacy, love, and tenderness
18. Skunks!
19. Solitude
20. Texting
21. Freedom to express and be myself
22. Moments of clarity and insight
23. A good night’s sleep
24. Things on sale
25. Feedback on the work I do
26. Compliments
27. Riding my bike
28. A great conversation and heart connections
29. Knowing I make a difference in the lives of others
30. Gel pens
31. Doing exactly what I love each day
32. Being at the Princess. Being in Waterloo.
33. Being supported and loved by so many
34. Writing notes
35. Being me.

I love how I live my life, I love who I’ve become, and I’m proud of all that I’ve accomplished thus far. I am acutely aware that not every body even makes it to 35 so I am incredibly grateful to be alive, period. Life is a gift that I try to celebrate as much as I can.

I guess if I take stock at this moment in time, I would note that I feel more beautiful than I have ever felt before. Happier and more at peace, as well. I really like how life has shaped me and I like how I responded to those shifts. I am in such a wonderful place in my life and I couldn't ask for more (except for my one wish). :)

But what the hell is up with people thinking 35 is old? Are you kidding? The earth is old. We are just babies, even at 100. I actually don't think of myself in terms of a number but I am proud to have made it this far at least. I think in terms of my depth and level of awareness. Like how much I've deepened over the past year and how much more I will deepen in years to come. That is my marker. That is how I determine my age. Not by numbers, but by substance.

35 feels like it’s going to be a marker year for me in every way. I think all of my hard work will soon pay off and one of my very special dreams will come true.

As for my birthday wish, there is only one thing I want this year: to meet and fall in love with my one and only. I have loved and loved deeply but I have yet to fall in love because I have yet to meet the one who is a fit on every level. No complaints though. I have been very blessed by the men in my life. It just wasn’t time and they just weren’t it.

But now I feel ready for my rainbow; kaleidoscope that I am.

Happy, happy birthday to me. May my delicious wish come true.

xoxox

Happy Sweet 16 Paige!

2011-05-22T22:19:00.000-07:00

(Posted January 10, 2011)

Happy Sweet 16 to my daughter, Paige, who is the wisest, most talented and beautiful girl in my world, as well as my favourite photographer ;)

Paige will be skipping school today (as is custom on every birthday) and I will be taking her to get her very first tattoo!!!! This is what she wanted for her birthday and I said HECK YES even though I do not have any tattoos of my own:)

I am taking her to Tall Ship Tattoo (a previous Mandyland feature), and Jeremy Zettler will be doing the honours.

Paige wanted a quote and asked me to pick it out for her, which is such an honour. She wanted something to remind her to keep her thinking positive. The one I chose was "What we think, we become" by Buddha, because a) it's true b) it's short c) Paige feels very drawn to what Buddha represented and d) I have always considered Paige to be my live-in Buddha. She is wise beyond her years as well as my greatest teacher. She is more like Buddha than she realizes.

When I shared the quote with her, she loved it! YAY!

So here's to a very special day for a very special girl.

I LOVE YOU DONKEY! ♥ ♥ ♥

xoxo

Enchanted Love by Marianne Williamson (Some Excerpts)

2011-05-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

(Posted January 21, 2010)

Enchanted Love: The Mystical Power of Intimate Relationships' is a great read for those who already love Marianne Williamson (bestselling author of 'A Return to Love' and 'A Woman's Worth') and/or those who love LOVE and are drawn to elevating this beautiful gift to a higher level.

My copy is old and well loved, dog-earred and inked up, and since it is a treasure I return to every few months, I thought I'd share some of my favourite passages from the book; ones that have helped me understand things more clearly over the years.

Enjoy!!!:)

* * * * * * *

Sometimes a man isn't coming toward you not because he doesn't love you, but because he doesn't know how. Or he is too afraid. But if you are to be his woman, you cannot be his tutor.

If our emotional stability is based on what other people do or do not do, then we have no stability.

A safe lover is someone who understands that we're trying, and doesn't punish us for falling short.

It's helpful when you are trying to forgive, to remember that she's known as much pain as you have known, he's as scared as you are, and no one here is perfect.

I cannot get to sleep without my leg wrapped around yours. I cannot stay awake without my brain wrapped around yours. I cannot get to heaven without my heart wrapped around yours. So there! Have I revealed enough?

When love isn't in our lives, it's on the way; that is the nature of the universe. If you know a guest is coming at five o'clock, do you spend the day messing up the house? Of course not. You prepare. And that is what you should do for love.

On the other side of the games we play is the yearning of the soul to play no games at all. As we heal, we drop them. As we love, we drop them faster.

God is the only partner we need. The human at our side is a partner we desire.

Every man is unconsciously looking for his next rite of passage. A woman who indulges, or even punishes his childish behaviour, cannot give him that.

Psychologically it's important that we stay on our own side of the net in a relationship, doing our own work and focusing on our own reactions. If the other person doesn't reach over for us, we have to accept that there's not really a game here.

A man who doesn't want you right now is not the man for you right now.

A woman who knows who she is is endlessly fascinating. And a man who knows who he is knows this about women.

When a man comes on strong-but then pulls away at the first sign that he's getting what he asked for - he is announcing that he is not yet ready for love. Announce that YOU are, not by co-dependently explaining to him what he obviously doesn't understand, or by trying to get him hot and interested again. Announce to the universe that you are ready for a relationship that is more adult - and not by getting angry at someone who isn't acting like one yet. Anger at a man for doing the boyish thing in love is no more reasonable than anger at a 6-year-old for not yet being able to tie a necktie.

Actually, didn't you act childishly yourself, if you rushed in with your heart before it had been proven to you that this was a psychologically and emotionally adult situation?

So what a marvelous opportunity this is for two people to grow up. He starts outgrowing those situations where he wasn't adult enough to take on what he himself invited in, and healing from the chronic habit of showing up for something and then wimping out. She starts taking responsibility for the fact that she had a habit of giving her heart to men who never really said they wanted it.

The most powerful way to transform a dysfunctional past is to embrace a functional present. The most powerful way to attract great love is to fill our minds with the thought of it.

Once we know to whom we belong, nothing changes what we know. It is suddenly clear what we can learn with this one, and achieve with this one, makes every other issue pale. The alchemy between you illuminates your path, leading you straight into the chambers where who you are comes up for total review, and where you're going together becomes a mythical adventure. There is no blessing like being known by one who knows you this deeply. There is no mystery more alluring than this love.

Sexpot Studio Launches January 29, 2010!

2011-05-22T22:12:00.000-07:00

(Written January 29, 2011)

I am thrilled to announce the newest Mandyland venture: Sexpot Studio, which is set to launch on January 29, 2011!

Initially, Sexpot Studio was going to be a compliment to Mandyland Radio, in terms of adding a visual component to the iTunes podcast, but this weekend I felt inspired to take SS in a new direction. And boy am I ever excited!

But before I give you the inside scoop, I think it's important for me to discuss the term Sexpot, because just like with the term GODS & DIVAS, the way I use it is much different than its conventional meaning. In Mandyland, GOD stands for Gentlemen of Divinity, and DIVA stands for Divine Individuals who Value Authenticity. Understandably, some people have an issue with me using the word GOD in this context, and some others find the word DIVA to reflect something superficial. But those who have taken my classes know what's up and are proud to refer to themselves as GODS or DIVAS, because of the meaning both carry.

As for Sexpot, I know that this word makes most people think of someone sexy, but I'd like to challenge most people's definition of what's sexy. No thanks to a culture that sexualizes everything under the sun, 'sexy' has become equated with nudity and explicit sexuality, implants and pouty lips, and whatever else reflects the pornographic obsession of a society that is out of touch with what it means to see another person for who they are; not simply based on how they rate on the hotness scale.

A 'sexpot', by definition, is a conspicuously sexy woman, and in my opinion, the sexiest women (or men for that matter) are those with depth and substance, a strong sense of self, great character, and a beautiful spirit. So essentially, what society deems sexy is rarely what I perceive to be sexy. Western culture especially, places a ridiculous emphasis on youth and external beauty, while diminishing or disregarding what is truly beautiful, and that is the person's essence. Everyone is beautiful and radiant when they are completely themselves, regardless of what they are wearing, and the sooner we see our own beauty, the better.

And so, Sexpot Studio is my chance to take the GOD & DIVA message to those who want it. I absolutely consider myself a Sexpot (based on my definition of what's sexy), not because of my looks, but because of the woman I've become through years of inner work and personal transformation. The beauty that comes through in my modeling shots are in large part to do with who I am on the inside. The strength and power of a woman who knows herself cannot help but shine through.

Sexpot Studio will be where I share the many tools I have used over the years that helped me through tough times, and I will also share books, exercises, quotes, insights, and personal stories that have made a difference in my life. My intention is that by sharing these things, you will find something useful that you can apply to your own life. It will be a lot like taking one of my classes, or reading one of my notes, in a 5-10 minute video clip on YouTube.

Here are some of the things I will cover:

*Letting Go
*When Things Change
*Life Detox
*Dream Interpretation
*The Bitch List
*Artist's Pages
*Creative Collage
*Animal Medicine
*Feng Shui
*Sacred Path Cards

Here are some books I will discuss:

*The Power of Now
*The Power
*A Return to Love
*The One-Minute Millionaire
*The Seat of the Soul
*You Can Heal Your Life

There will also be an opportunity for you to get your personal questions answered by me in a video response. Or, if there is a topic that you would like me to speak about, I can do that as well. Email me at info@godsanddivas.com.

So there you have it. Again, Sexpot Studio will launch January 29 (my birthday!) and will be a wonderful journey through the world of personal transformation from the comfort of my own home. Looking forward to this new chapter in Mandyland and I'm certain it will be as fun and fulfilling as the previous ones.

Thanks for reading, and get yourself ready for Sexpot Studio! HOLLA!!

My Only Resolution (And a Thank You To All My Friends)

2011-05-22T22:05:00.000-07:00

(Written January 2, 2011)

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered by your old nonsense." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Something remarkable happened to me on new years day. And it changed everything. I wrote about it last night in my journal before I fell asleep, and thought I would share it here.

* * * * * * * *

Something inside me finally shifted and I am free. There is a sense of peace and inner knowing. There is acceptance and understading and self-forgiveness. There is a lightness of being. There is complete trust in life, in my process, and all that transpired over the past year.

It's like the fog cleared today. I saw everything with the right eyes. And it feels a lot like self-love. Like, when I'm not spending my energy hating and doubting myself, and making myself wrong, and beating myself up for my perceived mistakes, well then what remains is the miracle that I experienced today.

It's like it finally all dissolved. It's fucking amazing. I feel free and unburdened-cuz that was the burden I have been carrying all my life: self-hate. Feeling not good enough. But I feel amazing. I am proud of myself and all that I've accomplished and who I am as a person.

I was just amazed by how I was looking at things today. I truly saw all my past 'negative' experiences from a new perspective. I finally saw the bigger picture instead of seeing myself as a piece of shit ;) I saw a year filled with beauty and transformation; the ending of some relationships and the deepening of others. I saw each person as a player in my story of life, and I realized that none of it was ever personal. They played their roles perfectly, as did I. All of it was meant to serve. They forced me to love myself more fully.

I realized what I always knew, but now there is no anger or sadness attached to that knowing. That this man was not put on my path to be my romantic partner. He was my teacher. But I got bent out of shape because I wanted him to be more than that. I thought I knew better than the universe as to what I needed. I wanted true love with my Beloved, but the universe kept saying,

'Psst...hey Mandy! This guy ain't it. Quit trying to make it be different. Quit praying for something he cannot give, and stop feeling hurt that he is not your Beloved. It ain't personal. Your man awaits and he fits you perfectly. So knowing that, as if you need to waste energy trying to make something work that wasn't ever gonna work. A+ for effort, but hey, it takes no effort to be with the one you're meant to be with. Promise. You just get to be you, he gets to be him, and it all works out. Easy peasy. Yes I know that letting him go was incredibly painful and difficult for you, but that was only because you were too busy feeling responsible for the fact that things ended. Self-blame kept you stuck. You kept trying to fix, understand, change. But none of that was required. It ended because it was not meant to last. The work was done. And now, because you finally released yourself, you are free. Sleep well, hottie. You done good. xoxo'

* * * * * *

And that concludes my journal entry from last night :) I did sleep well and I had some wonderful dreams. I woke up with a smile and thought to share this with my friends, because I know I am not the only one who struggles to let go sometimes.

As for my only resolution, it is this: to love myself more fully.

Yesterday it was all too clear to me that my internal pain was always in direct proportion to how much I felt I sucked. I am harder on myself than I am on anyone else, and I suffer because of that. I find it interesting that I am perceived as someone who loves herself so much, when most often the opposite is true. Perhaps it's all the inspiring quotes I share, or the happiness of selected moments that I choose to voice, but I am no further along than anyone else. I just happen to process my life and experiences through words and sharing. I am hardly happy all the time. My close friends know this and my daughter would agree. I do celebrate the little things in life, but I am often so intensely caught up in solving or healing broken aspects of myself, that I get lost in the abyss of my mind; which often makes me reactive at home. Here (home) is where I do all my work, and there (FB land/my notes or blogs) is where I share my results. So what you see as inspiring and happy all the time, only comes after many hours, days or weeks of internal hell. What I offer is the residue of all the work that I've done. So no need to think I came by it without effort. Those updates I post that most resonate with you are precisely the ones that do the same for me. And I need those words to remind me of what's true.

And so, I will end this part with yesterday's update, because it seemed to really strike a chord with many of you. For me, it was a declaration. It was me finally feeling free of the burdens I have been carrying for far too long. Enjoy xo

"YAY! It's a new day and the start of a brand new year! May you free yourself from your past, your pain, your guilt, your fears and your regrets. Forgive yourself for all you believe you've done wrong, because honey let me tell ya, we're all on the same boat. We're all just trying to do our best with the light we have to see by. So be gentle with yourself. It's time to let go, move on, and be free ♥"

A Thank You To All My Friends

Thank you to everyone and everything that has touched my life in any way over the past year. Without you, I would not have grown into the woman I am now. This especially includes the haters...my loyal critics. Your attacks, disapproval, judgments, and inability to recognize or appreciate the gifts I offer, forces me to become stronger than I thought possible, and teaches me how to love myself more fully. For that, I thank you.

To my close friends, family, FB followers and cyber soul brothers and sisters, I am deeply grateful for all the ways you have supported and encouraged me over the year. Without your hugs, support, words of encouragement and unconditional love, I would not have made it through some of the most challenging times of my life. Hateration was at its peak, I lost my beloved kitty, got stuck in Vegas, had a number of people choose to exit my life and went through a roller coaster of heaven and hell with a man.

But thanks to all of you, I have made it to 2011 with a smile on my face, peace in my heart, and the past behind me.

I love you all immensely. You are my chosen family and I look forward to another transformative year to come.

With a happy heart on the second day of this brand new year,

Mandy xoxo

I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me. -Anais Nin

My 1 Yearish Anniversary With Echo

2011-05-22T22:00:00.000-07:00

(Written December 8, 2010)

Awww:):):) Tonight I realized I have been with Echo Weekly for a WHOLE YEAR!!! Woohoo!! From The Cambridge Beat to Mandyland, this is a record for me when it comes to working for someone else, so I really need to give my editor some props for the fact that I'm still here.

My last attempt at working for someone lasted less than 4 hours. And because I only made it to 3 and a half hours, they could not pay me, so they gave me food instead. Sure I would have gotten cash if I could have stuck it out an extra 30 minutes, but frankly, I couldn't.

But 52 articles later, I am still with Echo. Why? Because of my editor. He gives me complete freedom to be myself, even when it includes profanity in my column, articles sent 3, 4 or 5 days late (I have submitted on time twice, maybe 3 times out of the 52), and he even supported me 100% when I wrote that infamous 'Mandy Sets the Record Straight' piece on marijuana, giving me the full page that week to ever so eloquently punch some ignorant readers in the throat through words, for bashing me on the subject the previous week. I have to say that was the highlight of my first year with Echo, and one of the best pieces I have ever written. You can read it HERE.

At Echo, I started off writing the Cambridge Beat, which was fun and excrutiating all at the same time. I received frequent hate mail during that time, even having people bitch about me in Echo's rant section, mostly because some readers didn't appreciate my style of writing or the topics I chose. They wanted me toned down, and they wanted a regurgitation of The Cambridge Times. So one week I offered a horrid and boring piece in an attempt to do what my readers wanted from me, only to receive an email from a woman who had no problem telling me she considered it terrible journalism, that I should write more like the guy in the Guelph Beat (yes, she was serious) and that she couldn't understand why I was profiling people and businesses when I should be talking about what's happening in our city. Got it. Because people and businesses have nothing to do with what's happening in our city. Guess I took the Cambridge 'BEAT' to mean something interesting. My bad.

I thanked her for her feedback and let her know that I hated writing that piece as much as she hated reading it, and I agreed that something should be done about this. So I forwarded her email to my editor, and demanded (begged) him to give me my own column so that I can do what I want to do and stop having to hear about petty bullshit.

The next day, he declared that the only way to solve this WAS in fact to give me my own column to profile businesses and artists like I was already doing, and he said we'll call it Mandyland because it's been Mandyland since day one, clearly. And here was the best part: in addition to Cambridge, he gave me Kitchener-Waterloo, Guelph, and surrounding area coverage. HEAVEN!!!! Of course I have pushed those limits as well. Not sure if he's noticed yet, but let's hope he hasn't. And I am happy to say that the only emails I get are from people who want to be featured, or want to recommend someone to me.

I do have readers who wish I still wrote like I did back when I was doing the Cambridge Beat, because they found it entertaining and my work often generated some pretty strong reactions, both good and bad. One of my favourites reader emails came from a man who got his panties in a knot over my piece about pay phones. Yes, pay phones. He did not appreciate that I quoted a newfoundland resident who used the word arse, as well as poor grammar. So this is what he had to say about that: And I quote: "Fuck you Mandy. I haven't been a fan of the Cambridge Beat for a couple weeks now, but this time your just being disrespectful. You should be ashamed of yourself as a writer and a person. Even if you didn't say it, why repeat it and put it in print? Take the Cambridge Beat and shove it straight up your arsehole!" Ahh, the memories.

Even though CB was fun, Mandyland has meaning; for me at least. I love promoting awesome humans and businesses that make a difference. That's where my heart is, so that's what I naturally gravitate to. Maybe a day will come where I'm given an opportunity to go balls out each week on various topics, but for now, I'm content and I love my job. I also love all the amazing people I get to meet through it.

So thank you, Ron, not that you'll be reading this, for being the kind of boss I can work for. For giving me what I need more than anything else in a job; creative freedom. And thank you for not firing me for my tardiness, and for paying me for my passion.

And thank you to all of my readers, supporters and critics. You rock!

Happy as a hippo on my one yearish anniversary,

Mandy

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Here is my very first column. Apparently the title was a sign of what was to come.

Enjoy.

CAMBRIDGE BEAT: MANDYLAND BEGINS NOW
By Mandy Richardson for Echo Weekly
November 26 - December 2, 2009

Greetings my fellow Echo readers and Cambridge Beat diehards! This is your new captain speaking.

My name is Mandy and you have officially entered Mandyland; the place where all things awesome and notable in this glorious little city of mine will be shared, explored and celebrated, starting with the woman at the keyboard. That’s right. I don’t believe you will find another Cambridge dweller more in love with her beloved hometown than yours truly. And, as an enamoured resident of this beautiful city since 1983, I am probably the only person who has never used the word ‘Lamebridge’, except to explain to police why I had to strike a grown man down. So this would be your warning: knock my awesome city and it’s lights out.

Following on the heels of Michael Cahill, I am thrilled to be the newest addition to the Echo family and the new voice of The Cambridge Beat. My goal is to make the column my own, inserting my envelope-pushing outlook into the mix whenever I can, while ensuring I don’t get myself fired. I do hope that Ron and Michael knew what they were signing on for when they offered me the position. Only time will tell.

But for now, thanks are in order for Mike’s flattering introduction in the previous Cambridge Beat column. I see that my self-proclaimed titles precede me. Goddess, Professional Napper and Diva Extraordinaire take care of my Thursday designations, but unfortunately give no indication as to why I’d be fit to take over a column in the one and only Echo Weekly.

So, here’s what you need to know: I am a Cambridge author, blogger, model and small business owner. I have two published books, an Honours Degree from The University of Waterloo, a diploma from Conestoga College, a humble abode (complete with one pubescent whippersnapper, four cats and three creepy wire birds out front) and a potty mouth that I will attempt to reserve solely for my blog and day-to-day living.

In addition, I am a self-adoring Aquarian Queen with an ineffectively managed superiority complex. Need proof? Just google ‘Her Happy Highness’. Yep, that would be me. I also like to dream big and am of the mindset that the world could use a little more Mandy, so I’ve taken it upon myself to create “The Mandy Show”, which is due to launch in the new year. No, I’m not kidding.

Apart from that, I live a pretty simple life. I collect quotes, dance like a fiend, nap, walk, cycle, hang with my hot friends and frequent Red Basil more than I should. What’s Red Basil, you ask? Only the most kick–ass Vietnamese Restaurant on the planet. So stay tuned for next week’s tribute to my favourite place to eat and do business, and find out why its owner Tri Dang is all smiles about his upcoming debut on “The Mandy Show” and his well-deserved feature in The Cambridge Beat.

On Love, Loss and Transformation

2011-05-22T21:55:00.000-07:00

(Written December 8, 2010)

So after a month-long hiatus, I figure it's time for a personal note, not just to encapsulate the experience for my own sense of completeness, but to share it with those who may also find some benefit through reading it.

None of this will be new I don't think, for those closest to me, as they are the ones that helped me navigate this most recent inward journey. So to them...I thank you. While I shut my heart to Facebook land, I opened it up to you, and each of you played a very significant role as my heart healed in relative solitude and silence. You know who you are. I love you.

As many of you know, I lost my beloved kitty, Tom, almost one month ago. This note isn't about me losing my cat, but his passing marked the end of a torturous week, and the beginning of a whole new chapter in my world. His passing followed the loss of a few friendships, the departure of a man when I needed him most, and of course, the loss of my purse in Vegas, with everything in it, which meant I missed my flight back to Canada. It was one of the shittiest weeks to date.

For all these 'losses' however, I gained infinitely more than I could have ever anticipated.

And so, I thought I'd share some of the things I learned through this past month's pain and healing (not in order of importance, just as they come to me) because I feel there is a lot of beauty contained in what life delivered to me.

Enjoy.

Musings From My Couch

1. I did not need to learn who my real friends were, because I have always known, but I was shown how integral they are to my well-being, the extent to which they will go to in order to demonstrate their care, and I was reminded that if it weren't for them, I would not be here. My friends have helped me through my darkest hours over the years, and I, like most people I know, got to points where I wanted to quit life altogether, but I didn't, because they were there, they didn't let me fall, and they reminded me of my truth when I had forgotten.

2. I believe it is possible to be at peace even when you are crying every day. I'm pretty sure the spiritual guides would disagree, and I understand their logic. Peace comes from being present in the moment, and when you are present, all pain and negativity dissolves. But I trust my own experience over that of another's, and after my kitty died, and that man chose to exit my life, I cried and cried and cried, yet there was something underneath that was completely still and knowing, despite my grief, and there was peace, amongst the pain.

3. What felt at the time to be the worst week of my life, turned out to be my ticket to the liberation I most craved. To be free of all that wasn't in line with my true and highest self. Seems that the universe did a purge on my behalf that week, getting rid of all the toxic things and people in my life, leaving me with a broken heart, immense self-doubt and self-hatred, which paved the way for an even deeper experience of living, loving and being, once I got beyond those things.

4. Losing my cat Tom was more painful for me than losing my mother, but losing her had much more significance in my life because she and I together healed a lifetime of pain in her final week.

5. I am fine without this man in my world, and I never thought I would be. No, he was not my partner, nor was I ever in love with him or want to be with him in that way, but he affected me nonetheless, more than most men, and it was an exhilarating and torturous emotional journey with he and I; one that I am now grateful to be free of, because it was destroying me. Unfortunately, I was too hooked on our dynamic to see that at the time. Or even when I did see things clearly, I would stay away, but not for long. I kept going back...and back...and back, despite knowing it would only end in pain. My daughter watched this and said, 'Mom, he is not good for you.' How do you know? 'Because of how he affects you.' And she was right.

6. Through this man, as well as the other people who exited my life that same week, I learned that how we feel around others gives us all the information we need in order to determine whether or not they are good for us. If we feel insecure, confused, crazy, off balance, angry, diminished, constricted, drained etc...these may be cues that whomever we are around, are not the right fit for us, and we are not the right fit for them either. It's kind of like mutual insanity to keep that kind of thing going, so let them be on their way to find their kind, while you go on your way to find yours. We all have a particular energy that we most resonate with, so let us surround ourselves with that until we get to the next level that will attract something different. Life is crazy enough without having to deal with additional drama. We don't actually need to put up with bullshit. We can choose to stay the fuck away. As the saying goes, "I'd rather be healthy on my own, than sick with someone else."

7. I have learned to be wary of things that start off intensely, because I mistake that intensity for a kindred connection, and most times, the person is simply charismatic, but unbalanced, and it only leads to me feeling quite empty afterwards, as their was never really any substance there to begin with. Similarly, I have discovered that people who are drawn to me naturally get reacquainted with their highest selves because I am in touch with mine more often than not, and so they become the person I know them to be underneath their fears, and this is wonderful!!! Except when I realize that we are not in fact on the same playing field like I thought. He or she is only visiting, while I live here full-time. And so again, they drop off, and another one bites the dust.

8. Love comes in many forms, not just romantic, and I do believe that life gives us exactly what we need at every moment. So while I cried over that man, I was surrounded by love from my friends, my child, my family, and 'my favourite man' as I call him, who has the capacity to offer me incredible healing. At the time however, the only thing I wanted was what I once had with the man I was crying over. All the love in the world could not equal what one message from 'him' could do to me. Yet I was torn. I wanted to hear from him as much as I didn't. Because if I did, I would be high again, but if I didn't, I could remain sober another day. So it is a blessing that a month has passed, without contact, because I am a month further into sobriety, as it were. I don't imagine I am the only person who has that someone in their life that they just feel powerless around...a person who can make your entire day with just one line, or destroy your entire week with the absence of it. He was my drug. Maybe he still is. Maybe he will always be. Who knows. But I still must live my life, do my thing, love those who have earned a place in my heart, and trust that one day, that man will be just a memory.

9. After my kitty passed, I had a very strong urge to bring order to everything in my life. And so it began, and so it continues. I have cleaned out every cupboard, closet, drawer, and room, and even spent days organizing my dreaded basement. I also did a year's worth of finances, 10 or 12 loads of laundry (lost count), months worth of paperwork, and caught up on all the little things I had neglected for so long. My whole world transformed, amidst my sadness, and so I thought, 'I might be in pain, but obviously something inside me is working beautifully.' Since the inner always reflects the outer, my home was now reflecting a new order inside me. My home, and my desire to bring order to it, was my cue that something significant was being healed. All the garbage was falling away because I was no longer comfortable having it in my sacred space, and I am so incredibly grateful for this shift because I have dreamed of this kind of peace and order all my life. My external attempts to bring order never worked for long. But this internal shift changed it all, and our home has been picture perfect every day for the last 3 weeks. Not because I am cleaning all the time, but because I am not longer accumulating the mental messes that inevitably led to the physical ones. 'As within, so without. As above, so below.' And Mandy is at peace.

10. The last month has been life-transforming because of that week from hell, and I am glad to be able to finally say that I would not have changed a thing. Of course at the time it felt like a cosmic joke...like, you're kidding me right? Lost my purse, got stuck in Sin City, no more of the man, and now you're taking my cat too? WHAT.THE.FUCK! The universe must have had great faith in my ability to cope:) And thanks to that, I feel more myself than I've ever been. More on track than ever before. More sure of who I really am and more secure in who that is. I love all that I've been through, and despite them no longer being in my life, I love all of those who have crossed my path, made an impact and moved on. Why? Because they were my teachers. They forced me to expand. They forced me to grow beyond what I though I was capable of dealing with. Beyond my insecurities. Beyond my fears. Beyond my perceived limits to love and forgive. I feel whole, complete and undivided. I have no regrets. I am filled with gratitude. And I absolutely adore my life and everyone in it. I feel like I've made it to the other side of this last round of learning, and I know there are many more rounds to come. Such is life.

12. I think one of the greatest sins in life is to deny a person whom you have been connected to by heart, the opportunity to heal through proper closure. It is cruel, in my opinion, to not acknowledge the heart being poured out to you. It takes great courage to be vulnerable, to lay our heart on the line, to speak truth, and to care deeply for another. Yet when we do these things, and they are offered to and received by those who are not strong enough to embrace it, it is like a stab in the heart. For me, there has been no greater pain than to be completely ignored and rejected after being my truest self. After almost a month of feeling like there must be something inherently wrong with me to have warranted such a dismissal, I had the most wonderful conversation last night with a friend that helped me to put it all into perspective. It was never about me. It was about that man's limits. If he were capable of offering the emotional gift I craved, I'm sure he would have given it. But it wasn't personal. He just wasn't there. If I could keep it light, fun, superficial and detached, I could count on him. But if I crossed that line, I hit a wall. Wow. Just writing that was a bit of a wake up call. Thank God I am out of that dynamic. And thank God for my favourite man who without effort, offers me all that I truly crave. Tenderness. Care. Love. Emotional availability. A genuine and beautiful human connection. Honesty.

13. Last but not least, I will always be that reclusive writer, despite how it appears on the outside. And when I am in pain, I withdraw and go inward even more. I am unable to post updates because I cannot lie, and during those times I am feeling too vulnerable to express the truth of the pain I am feeling. Each time this happens, I fear that I will never be able to express again, that the light has been burnt out, that I have become jaded like everyone else, and that I may never recover. That is my greatest fear. Because after the light goes out, what's the point? I will never be content to be a zombie going through life. But after expressing this fear to a dear friend the other week, she reminded me that the light has not left at all. I am processing and healing, and when I am done, and the time is right, I will reenter the world in a brand new way. A deeper me will have been born through this dark and quiet period, and the sun will come out again. And because she is a pure soul, I trusted her, and I released my fear. And I saw cause to celebrate the gift I was giving myself, to take the time I needed in order to heal. I never avoid pain, I face it. And to others it may appear that I feel things more acutely than the rest, but that's because I do. I don't have distractions, or vices, or escapes. I have my pen. I have my journal. And I have time to enter the underworld. The benefit of facing the darkness is that the light is so much brighter when you find it. I would rather take a few weeks to process my pain as I need to, and be done with it, than to set it aside over the next few years, like most people tend to do, and have it resurface when I least expect it. Because guaranteed, it will come back, and you will have to deal with it then, or at some other point in the future, and it will not be any easier than it is now. I think it would be harder actually. Because when we ignore what we feel, our system is designed to find other ways to cope, and often, those ways only add to the dysfunction in our lives. I know that most people do not have the 'luxury' of time to self-reflect, but that is proof that our society is whack. Broken hearts, broken families, and broken relationships barely have the chance to mend because our culture pushes us to 'succeed', to achieve, to produce, despite our need to be human and take a time out. I believe we are ALL wounded, I believe we ALL deserve whatever it is that would lessen our pain, and I believe that time for self-reflection is a necessity, not a luxury.

So that's about it for now:) What a nice cleanse:) And please know, that by the time I post this note, I am already past what I have just expressed. I write to sort, to purge, and to heal, and once I am done, I am on to the next page of life, feeling lighter than when I first sat down to write.

So in this moment, after having poured all of this out, I feel happy. Genuinely happy :)

Another circle is complete <3

Beautiful.

Feng Shui & Clutter

2011-05-22T21:50:00.000-07:00

(Posted December 5, 2010)

Here is a fantastic article that I found online about what clutter represents from a Feng Shui perspective. I studied Feng Shui when I was in college and at the time I organized my entire home based on its principles. Fascinating stuff if you ask me:) But since I have lived at this particular place, my basement has been the bane of my existence because of all the clutter and disorganization. Until this week :)

I am happy to say that I have spent the last 5 days gettin'r done and it feels fantastic and very liberating! I used to dread going down there because I was so overwhelmed by it all, especially since it houses all of my mom's stuff from when she passed away, but now things are sorted and are no longer overwhelming. I also found some very special treasures while I went through things :)

So, in case you have an area of your home that drives you nuts, maybe this article will inspire you to clear away the clutter and make room for more abundance in your life.

Enjoy!

* * * * * * * * *

Where You Have Clutter by Carol M. Olmstead

In Feng Shui, clutter represents postponed decisions and the inability to move forward. What do you accumulate, where do you put it, and why do you keep it? The answers say a lot about you. We all have to deal with some amount of clutter, but in Feng Shui terms, extreme clutter holds you back and keeps you from making progress.

One of the basic tenets of Feng Shui is that nothing new flows into your life until you make room for it. Therefore, clearing clutter is the key to transforming your space. Feng Shui is about attracting harmony and abundance into your life, but clutter blocks good things from reaching you.

Clutter in Feng Shui is defined as anything unfinished, unused, unresolved, or hopelessly disorganized. Clutter creates stagnation, encouraging a negative “putting-off-until-tomorrow” mentality rather than a positive “doing-it-today” focus, thereby reducing energy in our minds and in our spaces. Since things that are loved and used have strong, active energy around them, when you surround yourself with your favorite things you add clarity and focus to your life. By contrast, when you surround yourself with things that you no longer love, or that hold negative memories, or are no longer useful, your life can lack direction.

Clutter represents stagnant energy, and it's one of the biggest issues that many of my Feng Shui clients face. It keeps you in the past, encourages procrastination, contributes to a lack of harmony in your home and makes you feel tired, overwhelmed, confused, angry, stuck, and depressed.

If you want to deal with clutter once and for all, I offer this Feng Shui challenge: clear the clutter from one drawer, one closet, or one room today, and watch what good things flow into your life to take the place of all that mess tomorrow.

Studies show that of all the things we keep, we will only reuse one item in 20. That means that most people pile rather than file, cluttering their spaces with things they never use. Many people with clutter problems can’t solve them because when they think of getting rid of things, they experience fear of loss. They are afraid that if they throw away items they have been saving they might never be able to replace them. One way to avoid having to face the fear of getting rid of your clutter is to avoid accumulating things in the first place. Try turning any fears around: when you receive something — like a gift you don’t really like or a memo you don’t really need to save — ask your self “how can I get rid of this” rather than “where can I keep it.”

Where -- and Why -- You You Have Clutter

According to Feng Shui principles, a home is the outer manifestation of what is going on inside of the person. If you are outwardly cluttered with piles of laundry in the bedroom, stacks of magazines in the family room, disorderly files all over your desk, there is most likely an equal amount of disorder going on inside your mind. Piles of clutter in your home and office allow energy to stagnate, resulting in fatigue, lethargy, and often depression. Cluttered, overcrowded environments create negative chi and affect your ability to move forward. When you remove clutter, you open up the flow of positive chi into your home and workplace and consequently into your life. And you just feel better.

Where and why you have clutter says a lot about what is going on in your life. A cluttered space equals a cluttered mind. If you look at clutter all day, clutter is what you will attract into your life.

Here are some common clutter locations. What do they reveal about hidden aspects of your life?

Clutter at the entrance of your home – may be concealing fear of relationships.

Clutter in your closets – reveals an unwillingness to examine your emotions.

Clutter in the kitchen – represents resentment of care-taking.

Clutter next to your bed – symbolizes a desire for change or escape.

Clutter under your bed - represents a fear of relationships.

Clutter on a desk - reveals frustration, fear of letting go, and need to control.

Clutter behind a door - means detachment from others.

Clutter under furniture – represents concern with appearances.

Clutter in a basement – reveals procrastination.

Clutter in an attic – symbolizes living in the past.

Clutter in a garage – reveals the inability to reach your potential.

Clutter all over – reveals anger and low self-esteem.

Osho on Leadership

2011-05-22T21:47:00.000-07:00

(Posted December 3, 2010)

Osho, how come you speak about political leaders and religious leaders in the same tone -- is there no difference between them?

Fundamentally there is no difference at all. Superficially of course there are differences.

The basic desire to be a leader arises in people who are suffering from an inferiority complex. It does not matter whether they move into the political world or into the religious world; the will-to-power is an absolute indication that the man feels himself inferior to others and he wants to prove to the world that it is not so.

It is not only a question of proving to the world; through the world he wants to prove it to himself too, that he is not inferior to anybody. The only way mind can manage it is to make everybody inferior to you.

Mind is not your intelligence.

It may sound strange but this is a truth, that mind is not your intelligence. Mind can be intellectual, which is a very poor substitute for intelligence. Intellectuality is mechanical. You can become a great scholar, a great professor, a great philosopher -- just playing with words which are all borrowed, arranging and rearranging thoughts, none of which are your own.

The intellect is absolutely bankrupt.

It has nothing of its own, all is borrowed.

And that's the difference between intelligence and intellect.

Intelligence has an eyesight of its own, a capacity to see into things, into problems.

Intelligence is your born quality.

It cannot be learned, it cannot be nurtured. Everybody is born with intelligence, but the society is in favor of intellect, because the intellectual person is not a real individual, he is phony. He has nothing of his own; he is a beggar, and beggars are not supposed to be emperors, are not supposed to be masters. They are destined to remain slaves.

So your so-called greatest scholars are continuously proving their slavery to the establishment. None of them is a rebel. They are hankering for the prizes and awards the establishment can bestow upon them: respectability, honor. They are all desiring to be Nobel laureates, but to get the Nobel prize you have to sell your soul. You have to accept a thousand and one things that no intelligent person can accept.

You have to support the status quo, the people who are in power, who have the money. You are just a puppet to them. Yes, it is a very mutual conspiracy: they give you the Nobel prize, they give you honorary doctorates, they make you world famous; in return you support their exploitation, their oppression, and whatever nonsense they are doing. You have to become a protecting wall.

And of course the world is going to listen to you because you are a Nobel prize winner, honored by Oxford, by Cambridge, by Harvard. The ordinary people, the common masses are bound to listen to you.

If you are supporting the society then naturally there is nothing wrong with the society; there is no need to change it. The problems are not created by the society but by the "anti-social" elements. And who are the anti-social elements? All the rebels are anti-social elements. It is these people who provoke the masses, steal their souls, make them aware that they also are human beings, not cattle. These are anti-social elements; they have to be destroyed...

(Osho. From Darkness To Light. Chapter 5)

I Love It With You

2011-05-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

(Written October 30, 2010)

I love the song 'All I Want Is You' by Miguel Jontel and as I was biking today I started to replace many of his lyrics with my own in my head (while thinking of my lover) and decided I want to sing my own version of this song to the tune of the original track. My friend Christen Zuch (who has been blessed with the voice of an angel) has offered to help me learn to sing it since, well...let's just say I don't sing as well as I dance or write:) So here we go!

To the tune of Miguel Jontel's 'All I Want Is You'

I LOVE IT WITH YOU

I wonder sometimes
I wonder why you're my home
You are the prince in my darkest nights
The reason my bed is warm

Coz your touch
And those lips
And that kiss
Take me there, each time
And years pass, the magic keeps on bringing me back
And I need it
And I want it

Chorus:
I love it with you
I love it with you, boy
I love it with you, boy
Feelin' so good, good, good

Coz your tender touch
It dances with my soul
Makes me brand new
You have opened the door
It's just perfect
And the right time
My heart is so open
You give me good lovin'

Coz your touch
And those lips
And that kiss
Take me there, each time
And years pass, the magic keeps on bringing me back
And I need it
And I want it

Chorus:
I love it with you
I love it with you, boy
I love it with you, boy
Lover, feelin' so good, good, good

Chorus:
I love it with you
I love it with you, boy
I love it with you, boy
Lover, feelin' so good, good, good

I love your touches
I love your kiss
I love the things you do
I love it all with you
You make this queen want to
Give it all up to you
Let's face it
We can't replace it
I'll always love it with you

Chorus:
That's why I love it with you
I love it with you, boy
I love it with you, boy
Lover, feelin' so good, good, good

Here are the original lyrics that I used as my guide to get me started. I actually counted out syllables with my fingers lol :)

ALL I WANT IS YOU (Miguel Jontel)

I wonder sometimes
I wonder if I was wrong
Tryna do right by you got me here
Now all I am is alone

Cause her eyes those hips and that (ass)
And I don’t compare at all, no
And at best all they do is distract me but now
Deep down when I face it

Chorus :
All I want is you
All I want is you now
All I want is you now
Now that you’re gone, gone, gone

Coz being your friend is killing me softly
I hear voices
Wonder where I went wrong
It was my fault
And the wrong time
I wonder so often
Regret get exhausted

Cause her eyes those hips and that (ass)
And I don’t compare at all, no
And at best all they do is distract me but now
Deep down when I face it

Chorus :
All I want is you
All I want is you now
All I want is you now
Sugar, now that you’re gone, gone, gone

Coz they don’t smile or smell like you
Coz they don’t make me laugh or even cook like you
Coz they don’t photograph nah they don't sex like you
Lets face it I can’t replace
That’s why all I want is you now

That's why all I want is you now
All I want is you now
All I want is you now
Sugar now that you’re gone, gone, gone, gone, gone

You know that you're gone, gone, gone I want you back...

Writer By Nature; Dancer By Heart

2011-05-22T21:41:00.000-07:00

(Written September 7, 2010)

After an incredible, reflective, productive and life-transforming long weekend, I feel more than ready for the next Mandyland chapter, which (over the past few days) I solidified in my mind, recorded on paper and visually created on a gorgeous collage that now hangs in my living room. I feel focused, clear, confident, and in line with my true power, and the sky's not even the limit. I am grateful for all that came before, including the people and situations that challenged me along the way, forcing me to expand in ways I could never have achieved otherwise.

I have been taking stock of my life up until this point, and feel a sense of pride for having gone after a number of my dreams already. I also see the many that remain, and I am excited to head in brand new directions so that I can fulfill all my soul's longings while I've got the health, energy, passion, and drive to do so.

What I thought was most interesting about my life as it is right now, is that I am, by nature, a writer.

I never wanted to be a writer growing up. What I wanted to be was God (naturally), and a dancer in videos. But here I am, writing yet another note, because that is what my soul must do.

After publishing my first book in 2006, I still didn't think of myself as a writer. And even after counting my journals a few years back (I was just past 100 at that point so who knows what I'm at now), I still didn't see myself as a writer. It was only after my second book in 2008, that I began to realize that this is what I do and I'm kinda good at it.

I suppose when something comes as naturally as breathing, it's easy to overlook or take for granted. It was hard to give any recognition to myself for the hours I put into writing each day, because my sights were set elsewhere. My efforts didn't count on some level, because it didn't take effort for me to do it. I just did it because it was impossible not to. Like a singer who needs to sing. Or an artist that needs to paint. Or a handyman that must build. You just do it because you're compelled to express yourself in that particular way.

Now, in 2010, with my own column and a blog that houses a few years worth of my writings, it's hard for me to deny the fact that writing is integral to who I am. That being said, it is only a snippet of my being. There is so much more to create, express and experience, outside of this literary realm, and my dream to dance in videos is among them.

I am a writer by nature but a dancer by heart, and my soul will not rest until its hunger is sated.

Do not ask me how. That question is irrelevant. Don't ask me when. I really don't care. The hows and whens are not my business. They belong to the universe. I concern myself only with what it is I truly want, and trust that the details will be taken care of. Anything is possible. Period. If you are not saying 'Why not?', 'Of course I can!', 'Just watch me.' about your own dreams, then you might want to give your head a shake. The world is filled with proof that dreams do come true. Just look around you. Of course that can be you.

But so many of us that feel we are not worthy of the things we most want. WE are the ones who deny ourselves more than any other. As the saying goes, the universe gives us as much as we are willing to give ourselves. If that statement is true, then what is your life saying about you? Take a look at your life, yourself, your job, your relationships. Is that what you feel you deserve? It must be, or you'd have something else.

You can have it all, you know. All that you want and more. So do you? If not, why not? LIFE is abundant and wants to give you everything your heart desires. So what would it take for you to accept your birthright? If you knew, with every fiber of your being, that you were worthy of peace, happiness and abundance in all areas, how would your life be different?

Oprah dreamed of being on stage with Tina Turner long before she (Oprah) became famous. As if she knew how to make that happen. She just wanted it to happen. And it did, years later. They even sang together and did a bit of a dance routine on stage, and for those who don't know, Oprah is not the greatest dancer, nor is singing her trademark, but there she was on stage with her idol, doing what she had always dreamed of.

As for me, I dream of being Justin Timberlake's love interest in one of his videos, and before you judge me, it's not because I am a huge JT fan (sorry if you are, not trying to knock him, he is great at what he does), it's because he is an incredible dancer, one of the best, and I deserve to work with the best. Of course there are many other artists I'd like to share the screen with, but JT has always stood out for me. So there's my confession. I have dreamed it for years, and my dream will not rest until it is made real.

I do not waste time wondering how it'll happen. The universe is amazing and will sort that out. Nor will I 'chase' this dream. There is no need to. The universe it happy to deliver it to me in the perfect way at the perfect time. My job is simply to live my life as best as I can, stay connected to my source, my dream, my happiness, and trust that I am meant to have all the things I desire.

No dream is too big. It's never too late. I'll get what's mine...JustinTimberlake.

**FYI: 12 years ago I went to an audition in Toronto for a dance company called DLM. Without any professional background in dance, I made the cut. My partner at the time was willing to care for Paige (who was still so young) and his mom was willing to lend me her car each weekend, so that I could go to the studio for choreography. The company was my direct route to dancing in videos. And guess what? I bailed. I did not go at all. Why? Because I believed I was too 'fat' and too 'old' (at 22!!) to be a dancer in videos. I did not feel like I belonged, especially because I wasn't a 'real' dancer, so these fucked up messages trumped the courage it took for me to go to the audition in the first place. It shows where my head and self-worth (or lack thereof) was at. Of course looking back now, I was not fat, nor was I too old, and not having a background in dance was even more reason to feel proud that I made it.

I'm sharing this for those who also have bullshit beliefs preventing them form doing what they most want to do. PLEASE don't do what I did. That's 12 years I could have been doing the thing I want more than anything. Obviously there is a reason for not going that route, but let me tell you, when I am back in the same position, I'm going for it, balls out. I have no bullshit beliefs stopping my forward movement anymore so bring it on.

It's not who you are that holds you back. It's who you think you're not. -Unknown

An Ode To Shitty Things

2011-05-22T21:39:00.000-07:00

(Written September 5, 2010)

Shitty things, shitty things
Past, present, to come
I love and I thank you
I had you all wrong

I thought you were evil
But I made a mistake
You fucked my shit up
Just to make my shit great

I cursed you in August
You made my life hell
But now in September
I'm ringin' my bell

What you took had to go
I just couldn't see
Now my vision is clear
No need for Visine

Imma hit it and quit it
My shit is on fire
Imma get me what's good
Bitch'll get her desire

So when you come knockin'
Shitty thing that you are
I won't give a fuck
Cuz we know I'm a star

I'll rise to the top
You won't let me down
You won't let me settle
I'm wearin' my crown

From Cambridge to Vegas
I'm tearin' it up
With my pimps and ma bitches
I'll fuck this shit up

There's no turnin' back
I got all that I need
A mind that's locked in
A supreme need for speed

Shitty things, shitty things
Past, present, to come
I love and I thank you
Now git me my gun

The Power by Rhonda Byrne

2011-05-22T21:36:00.000-07:00

(Written September 4, 2010)

I want to share an excerpt with you from a book I recently read called 'The Power', which is Rhonda Byrne's follow up to 'The Secret'. If you have not read or seen The Secret, no worries. This new book stands on its own. It is an incredibly easy read, is also very inspiring and simplifies the process of changing your life from the inside out, using your feelings, namely, the feeling of LOVE, to transform everything.

The high frequency of LOVE attracts to you all that you desire (and heals all that you don't) and is the basis of all the things in this world that are worth having, while your negative feelings repel these things with equal measure.

The great news is that you can switch up your whole life just by tipping the LOVE scale to 51%. That means that if you can feel LOVE just 1% more than the lesser frequencies of anger, sadness, fear, doubt etc, you can and will change the quality of your life and draw things to you that you could never have even imagined.

I feel like I could go on forever about this subject and the goodies contained in this book, but I will simply encourage you to get your hands on a copy so you can learn just how easy it is to get and keep yourself on the frequency that makes miracles happen moment by moment, day by day. LOVE. It's all there is. The rest is an illusion.

Enjoy the passage and pick up a copy if you can.

Mandy

* * * * * * * * * * * *

From 'The Power' by Rhonda Byrne:

"You are meant to have an amazing life! You are meant to have everything you love and desire. Your work is meant to be exciting, and you are meant to accomplish all the things you you would love to accomplish. Your relationships with your friends and family are meant to be filled with happiness. You are meant to have all the money you need to live a full, wonderful life. You are meant to be living your dreams-all of them!"

"You were not born to struggle. You were not born to live a life where the moments of joy are few and far between. You were not born to toil in your work five days a week, with fleeting moments of happiness on weekends. You were not born to live with limited energy, feeling exhausted at the end of each day. You were not born to worry or be afraid. You were not born to suffer. What would be the point of your life? You are meant to experience life to its fullest and have everything you want and, at the same time, be filled with joy, health, vitality, excitement, and life, because that is an amazing life!"

"The life of your dreams, everything you would love to be, do, or have, has always been closer to you than you knew, because the power to everything you want is inside you!"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

"When the heart is set right, then the personal life is cultivated. When the personal life is cultivated, then the home is regulated. When the home life is regulated, than the national life is orderly: And when the national life is orderly, then the world is at peace." -Confucius

The Science of Getting Rich by Wallace Wattles

2011-05-22T21:34:00.000-07:00

(Written September 4, 2010)

So I read this book in one sitting and finished it at 4am this morning. It only took a few hours to read. It's pretty short. And despite his somewhat archaic manner of speaking, I very much believe in the principles Wattles sets out. They have worked in my own life over the years, they are in line with my core values, and recently I have been reinspired to apply these principles to one area in my life that I feel I have neglected until now.

If you're interested in transforming your world/external circumstances through unseen powers, faith, steadfastness and an unwavering commitment to your vision, this book will reaffirm your choice to do so. Below is the link to the pdf of the book. Enjoy, and may you strive to create the abundance that is your birthright.

You can read the book in its entirety HERE.

* * * * * * * * * * *

"To think according to appearance is easy; to think truth regardless of appearances is laborious, and requires the expenditure of more power than any other work man is called upon to perform.There is no labor from which most people shrink as they do from that of sustained and consecutive thought; it is the hardest work in the world. This is especially true when truth is contrary to appearances...To think health when surrounded by the appearances of disease, or to think riches when in the midst of appearances of poverty, requires power; but he who acquires this power becomes a MASTER MIND. He can conquer fate; he can have what he wants." -Wallace Wattles

* * * * * * * * * *

I also suggest 'The Power' by Rhonda Byrne. Cute little metaphysical bible of sorts (think Louise Hay for our generation), and the sequel to 'The Secret'. Both are an easy read.

From Darkness To Light

2011-05-22T21:33:00.000-07:00

(Written September 2, 2010)

Where to start, where to start.

I feel like I am backed up with words. Months worth of words actually. Words that would not flow because I was caught between two worlds for much longer than I was comfortable with. I'm still in that liminal space (probably won't be by the end of this note;), you know, the spot where all that once fit you and felt great no longer does, and you have no idea what actually WILL fit you now because you just don't know what the fuck is going on or where to even begin to make things feel good again, and shitty things keep happening and you wish you could just opt out for a year or two...and you go through the days like a zombie trying to find your way back home, but what home? You've outgrown the previous one and you've yet to rebuild the new one. It fucking sucks. I don't care what anyone says. And if you have never experienced this kinda thing before, I kinda don't believe you. If you're human, you're growing, and life is constantly changing. So every one of us has times in life where an adjustment is required, and it's not always a pretty process.

In the past month I have spent more days crying than not, feeling hella lost, confused, hopeless, distraught, negative and blah, blah, blah. I could go on about my misery and the things that contributed to it but who needs it? The details are irrelevant and interchangeable. What matters is where all of the junk has forced me to go: somewhere brand new.

My friends, sexy angels that they are, helped me get through each day when even getting through the moment felt like too much to cope with. I was not in a good space and I had a hard time finding my way out of it. What used to work for me was no longer working, obviously, and I genuinely felt in need of my own class, because I needed support and validation as I worked through the dissolution of the old and learn how to embrace the creation of the new. Just because I am the go to girl for spiritual alignment certainly doesn't exempt me from needing it myself. That's what the DIVA experience is all about. Transitioning through change and figuring out where you're at so that you can get clear on where you want to go. Typically when people come to me, it's because they are in this middle stage, where something has shaken up their foundation and they are ready to create something more solid. They are ready for something great!

When I was at my lowest, I tried to think of other times when I felt this shitty, and two years came to mind: 2003 and 2007.

In March of 2003, I left a job on stress leave after staying in it a year or so longer than I should have. I was young and healthy but my system shut down and although the doctor couldn't figure it out, I eventually realized that my body was helping me to do what I felt powerless to do for myself: leave a toxic situation. My body got me out of there because I would not leave. I kept trying to manage my bad feelings instead of listening to and honouring them, and it made me sick. So there I was on unemployment and now what? I felt fucked, tired, lost, uncertain. So I applied for University, a dream I had set aside in 1995 so I could raise my daughter, and a new chapter began. I had no clue what I even wanted to take, I just knew I didn't want to work in a job that made me feel like shit and I really had no interest in working after that previous experience. So school and student debt it was. I got accepted, spent the next 4 years in my kinda heaven, and ended up with a degree in Religious Studies with a minor in Spirituality and Personal Development; the perfect precursor for what was to follow: another shitty period that led to my life's work:)

In March of 2007, I met Keveen Gabet and experienced the greatest love of my life, and the result was my second book, 'The Poet & The Butterfly', which came out in 2008. After the height of this intense love affair, a deep sadness and dark period followed, much like the one I recently went through. Many tears. Low energy. Hopelessness. Despair. Confusion. I didn't understand how could I have been so happy and then so sad. The only thing that kept me going that summer was my connection to Keveen through email. It was all that mattered. Our dialogue was the only thing that felt real and true, and so I held on to our words hungrily, tenderly, and I thanked God for this lifeline.

Through my pain, the very first DIVA class was born, which was called Succulent Self Discovery at the time. It was renamed by the ladies in the first group, who kept referring to themselves as divas. They felt so great about themselves in class that they told their friends they were going to Diva Class:) Basically, I created the course to appease my own misery. I created something that I wished I could have been a part of when I was struggling, and I went into this having no idea if it would work. I think I assumed it wouldn't, and I feared the ladies wouldn't like my style of teaching because I'm pretty unconventional. On graduation night, I received a gift from France, from Keveen: a roll of paper that had been filled with his words. Unraveled, it was at least 20 feet. I cried when I received it and I opened it up when I was in class with my ladies. It was the second greatest night of my life (the best night having been the one I spent with Keveen) and my ladies and I were all moved to tears by the changes that had happened within each of us during our time in class. I couldn't even believe that my dream to lead my own classes had become a reality. Not only that, but they loved it!

And then I knew that the dark period had paved the way for this miracle. I needed to go within to get to the space where I was ready to take that leap. I felt I had already lost it all, and I had no idea where I was headed, so with a nice kick in the ass from my friend Laura, I ran my first class out of her yoga studio.

So this is what I assume is going on for me right now, based on my experiences in 2003 and 2007: my sadness, the discord, and the doubt and confusion and shitty-ness that made up much of my July and August, was not in vain. It followed an incredible period of transformation through my 30 Day Inner Strength series, and I can only presume it precedes something fanfuckingtastic. A new reincarnation; one that reflects the newest version of me, which will more than make up for the hell I've just endured as my old self shattered and my life seemingly fell apart.

My plate feels empty. I don't love that feeling but I know one needs to leave a space in order to fill it.

It is now time for a New World Order in Mandyland. I have no idea what is to come but I'm fully open and I know how I want to feel in every aspect of my life. It's the essence I'm after. The details will work themselves out on their own. Sexpot Studio is on the brain, but I have no clue what it will look like or how it will unfold, just like The Mandy Show, Mandyland Radio, and my first DIVA class. I had no clue what I was actually doing with any of those things, I simply followed my intuition and any cool idea that popped into my head. And things seemed to work out just fine:) I had a ton of fun just being myself.

What more could I ask for?

Let the new chapter begin.

When Things Fall Apart

2011-05-22T21:29:00.000-07:00

(Written August 22, 2010)

Let's be honest. When things fall apart, it sucks. But there is beauty even in chaos. If you're going through hell right now, it is not by accident, and you will make it through. No state is permanent, so hang in there because a beautiful gift is on its way.

How do I know? I trust my own experience. I've been through hell and back more times than I can count, and each time things come crumbling down, I feel lost, insecure, afraid, and doubt my ability to get though it, but I always make it through. I withdraw, I cry, I curse, and then I do it all again, until I either snap out of it, wear myself out or begin to see with unlimited vision.

When we are in a dark space, it's hard to see beyond our own pain, and when everything around or inside us changes, we seemingly have nothing to hang on to. Of course it's no fun. Sometimes we feel like not going on. It's too hard, too heavy, too difficult to bear. We just want peace, we want to be free, we want to be happy, and we just want the pain to go away. Understood.

But we need to keep in mind that those dark and uncertain periods never last, they never actually destroy us, and they always precede a new level of growth and awareness. That's right. Things often fall apart so that something new can come together. Our foundations crumble so that something new can be built. And we are always, and I mean ALWAYS, in a better place than we were before after our outgrown pieces have fallen away.

If we've been asking for change, for something better, for something more in line with who we are, we might notice that things get worse at first, but don't be fooled. You asked for it. Yep. You asked for change and the universe is giving it to you, just not in the way you expected.

You expected it would look and feel pretty because the change you want is good, right? Well, renovating a house is good too, but look at the mess that precedes it. We are no different. The shells of who we used to be must fall away so that our true selves can shine. And it's a messy, uncomfortable and painful process at times, but it's necessary for growth. If the butterfly can get the heck outta that cocoon, not knowing at all how beautiful and free it will be, just determined to get out of that which encases him, then why can't we?

As someone who values the process of inner transformation and the path of living a life of authenticity, we may as well accept that the ride is often bumpy. We are spiritual warriors in a sense, and are the ones willing to actually take a gander at our own junk and do the work necessary to rise above it. And as long as we're alive, we're growing; so if you believe that one day you will have it all together, once and for all, think again. When the work is done, you are sent to the next level, so be grateful that you're still here going through the ups and downs that come along with being human.

You might be in hell, but it's still a beautiful place to be, because it means your work here is not complete. It means you're still here to do the work of your soul and this pain is your most direct route to it. It's here for a reason, and it's the vessel being gifted to you, to liberate you from your own suffering. Your pain is NOT you, it is the thing that covers all that you really are.

Maybe it's time to break free.

Mandy ♥

Whatever the situation, it isn't over until the happy part.
-Marianne Williamson

A Dabble in Existensialism

2011-05-22T21:23:00.000-07:00

(Posted August 16, 2010)

Recently I have become fascinated with the subjects of life, death, purpose/meaning and especially existentialism, maybe because I experienced what quite possibly could have been an existential crisis (who knows), questioning ALL things in my world, including myself, and so, as with all transitions/challenges/uncertainties in my life, I seek to understand them more fully through studying, writing, contemplation, and sharing. I have much to say on these topics as of late (my close friends can testify:) but for now I will just share some quotes. Enjoy.

(The following quotes were found on the blog 'Fuck Yeah Existentialism')

A person is a fool to become a writer. His only compensation is absolute freedom. He has no master except his own soul, and that, I am sure, is why he does it. -Roald Dahl

Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don't know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change. If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better. -From 'Letters to a Young Poet' by Rainer Maria Rilke (LOVE THIS!)

In a sense, and as in melodrama, killing yourself amounts to confessing. It is confessing that life is too much for you or that you do not understand it. Let's not go too far in such analogies, however, but rather return to everyday words. It is merely confessing that that "is not worth the trouble." Living, naturally, is never easy. You continue making the gestures commanded by existence for many reasons, the first of which is habit. Dying voluntarily implies that you have recognized, even instinctively, the ridiculous character of that habit, the absence of any profound reason for living, the insane character of that daily agitation, and the uselessness of suffering. What, then, is that incalculable feeling that deprives the mind of the sleep necessary to life? A world that can be explained even with bad reasons is a familiar world. But, on the other hand, in a universe suddenly divested of illusions and lights, man feels an alien, a stranger. His exile is without remedy since he is deprived of the memory of a lost home or the hope of a promised land. This divorce between man and this life, the actor and his setting, is properly the feeling of absurdity. All healthy men having thought of their own suicide, it can be seen, without further explanation, that there is a direct connection between this feeling and the longing for death. -Albert Camus

How strange it is. We have these deep terrible lingering fears about ourselves and the people we love. Yet we walk around, talk to people, eat and drink. We manage to function. The feelings are deep and real. Shouldn't they paralyze us? How is it we can survive them, at least for a little while? We drive a car, we teach a class. How is it no one sees how deeply afraid we were, last night, this morning? Is it something we all hide from each other, by mutual consent? Or do we share the same secret without knowing it? Wear the same disguise? -White Noise, Don DeLillo

Now I knew: things are entirely what they appear to be—and behind them...there is nothing. -Sartre, from Nausea

Kill me again or take me as I am, for I shall not change. -Marquis de Sade's Last Will and Testament

Man simply invented God in order not to kill himself, that is the summary of universal history down to the moment. -Dostoyevsky "The Possessed" (1872)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

And from my favourite philosopher, Marcus Aurelius (who by the way, was not considered an existentialist, I simply love his clarity)...

Enough to make you say to death, "Come quickly. Before I start to forget myself, like them."

As you kiss your son good night, says Epictetus, whisper to yourself, "He may be dead in the morning". Don't tempt fate you say. By talking about a natural event? Is fate tempted when we speak of grain being reaped?

Stop whatever you're doing for a moment and ask yourself, "Am I afraid of death because I won't be able to do this anymore?"

Animal Symbolism of the Skunk (My Favourite Animal)

2011-05-22T21:20:00.000-07:00

From the website www.whats-your-sign.com 'The doorway to signs and symbolic meanings':

Many years ago, I learned the animal symbolism of the skunk first-hand. I was walking through thick woods with my head down (no doubt looking for odd stuff - it's the crow in me). When I looked up to get my bearings I found myself staring directly into the eyes of a very intense looking skunk. When I say I was siezed stiff in my tracks, you know exactly what I mean. Who among us doesn't know the capability of the skunk? Not many.

Of course a chunk of animal symbolism of the skunk deals with the pungent odor of its spray let off when it's threatened.
Just think what a remarkable defense mechanism: Nonviolent, passive, effective. The skunk sends a message to would-be predators: "Nothing personal, just back off and nobody gets hurt."

This unique method of self-protection and the way a skunk handles its predators is symbolic of:

Defense
Prudence
Protection
Confidence
Awareness
Pacification
Effectiveness
Good judgement

We would all do well to take this animal symbolism from the skunk: Do no harm. Indeed, as a totem animal, the skunk asks us to defend ourselves effectively, without causing further conflict.

Interestingly, the skunk would prefer to be even less assertive. You see, it takes over a week to reproduce its stinky juices after using them (their glands are only good for about 4 sprays). Ergo, the skunk is 100% sure it must spray before doing so as this defense tool is a commodity in the wild - not to be wasted on false alarms.

In recognizing this, we see the skunk is the ultimate pacifist, and by adopting its peace-loving ways we may obtain the carefree lifestyle this creature enjoys.

Carefree indeed, the skunk has very few predators because most of the animal kingdom recognize its tell-tale markings and know from wildlife scuttlebutt the skunk is not to be fooled with. As such, the skunk goes about its business with aplomb, and has an innocent quality that few wild creatures have the luxury of exhibiting.

Other animal symbolism of the skunk include:

Introspection
Innocence
Assurance
Patience
Silence
Peace

Those with the skunk as their animal totem are naturally buoyant. They go through life with a calm assurance, and exude a peaceful energy that is extremely attractive to others.

Call upon the spirit of the skunk when you need quality judgment in a situation - particularly if you're in a stressful state, or someone is pushing your buttons. The skunk will ease you out of the situation with deft and diplomacy.

The skunk can also help calm jangled nerves, and help to center ourselves into a quiet, peaceful state. The skunk is very effective when calming small children too. Give it a try. Ask the skunk for assistance with your fussy little ones.

The skunk is happy to heed your call for help. Just remember to respect the skunk and express your thanks for the guidance and assistance.

Oh, what happened when I met that skunk in the woods long ago? He didn't spray me, although he was certainly prepared. We just kept our eyes locked on each other (his were a soft yet intensely deep brown, my eyes are brown too - but I'm sure my gaze didn't appear nearly as righteous as his - I was, after all, intruding on his turf). I slowly and quietly took steps backwards until I was at a safe distance to retreat altogether. The whole time we kept staring into each other's eyes. It was odd, eerie, and exciting all at once.

That skunk was so majestic and regal in his stance - holding his ground - fearing nothing, leastly me. I certainly backed away (literally) from the meeting with a new found respect for this creature, and derived a deeper sense of the symbolic meaning of the skunk to boot!

The Poet & The Butterfly: An Excerpt

2011-05-22T21:14:00.000-07:00

You were the first
To hear my song
And sing it back to me

From: Mandy Richardson
To: Keveen Gabet
Date: Tuesday, June 26, 2007, 4:23am
Subject: A Synopsis For My Poet

Keveen Gabet changed my life.

I felt that I had been preparing myself for him, this master of words, this being that was life and love personified. I did not see him as a mere mortal. How could I? He was the one I dreamt into being. The one I wrote of with precise detail. The first and only one I regarded as my equal.

Keveen was the love of my life. He still is. I fell in love with him through his words, or rather, the being that poured through them.

I have read his email at least 15 times today, absorbing the lines, the love, the words he chose, in honor of me. I suppose he has shown up, in a way. Not fully, but beautifully. Not on time, but nonetheless. He is brave for sending me so much, yet a coward for coming through the back door.

He has yet to face me.

But still, I am still. He is bound to look at me eventually. I am not easily set aside or forgotten.

I frustrate and force without meaning to. I speak things better left unsaid and then pray for forgiveness. I risk absolutely everything, and find it a miracle that I still receive his words of love.

What makes him so special to me? What has set him apart in every way? And why am I still thinking of him, feeling him, touching myself to him...after all this time?

It was not his charm that got me into bed, for I have been charmed a million times, and still I left for home, with only myself to sleep with, each and every time.

It was not his looks, though he is quite beautiful and heavenly to see naked, for a person only becomes truly beautiful to me when I discover the kind of person they really are.

It wasn’t his poetic flair, for I have heard and read many beautiful lines, spoken and written directly to me, and although I loved them all, I did not sleep with the men whose words honored me.

His seductive moves didn’t do it, though my body had never moved so easily and beautifully with a partner, for I have danced all my life and there are still many partners to be had.

Nor was it his French accent, though I hear it is a highly romantic language, for up until he came along I had not even liked this particular foreign tongue. And maybe I still don’t, but I do love him, and I would learn his language so that I could love him more.

It was not his obvious brilliance, though intelligence is the most erotic thing in my world, for all my loves have had great minds, and all have captured my heart in this way.

It was not even his attention on me, though I loved it immensely, for I knew it did not mean that I was special to him. I knew that my time would pass, and he’d be falling in lust with another by sunrise.

And it most definitely was not his restlessness, for it only made me pity him. Chasing things that don’t matter, while leaving the gems behind. Running from place to place, when all he truly craved could be found right at his feet.

So then you might wonder what it was exactly, that made me bed a perfect stranger, after only four days of correspondence (online no doubt), when no other man had been given such a gift, and no other man ever will.

Well, on that first Friday night, that very special night that was the beginning of my new life, Keveen Gabet became the luckiest man in the world because he gave me the one thing no other man could ever give; the only thing I had ever truly wanted.

He gave me my freedom and I fell in love.

He gave me space and unspoken permission to be myself. He allowed me to love as I had always wanted to love, and he received the love I had always wanted to give. And the most extraordinary thing was that he did not demand it be all for himself. I could spread my love around however, and with whomever, I wanted.

Having finally received what I had hungered for all my life, my gift in return was the fullness of my own being. And, having been completely satisfied, I naturally gave from this overflow. How could I help but to offer him the same freedom he offered me, while giving him all of me? He absolutely deserved this, in my mind at least, for the sweet, sweet gift he gave.

This was not my plan however, for I had boasted of needing no man. Yet, here I was, truly loving, giving and sharing. Risking, exposing and now fumbling to find, a way to love to a man I barely knew, but felt I knew better than any other. The man I met while dreaming.

I craved more than anything to be special to him, somehow, even though it seemed impossible.

For after our delicious day of sunny sex, which was nothing short of the best time of my life, his sights were set on another, and another, and another, which, given the nature of this wild man, I had grown to expect and accept with a smile.

He belongs in a jungle, for that is where I always find him.

He cannot be caught or tamed, nor made to stay in love. He must be embraced fully and released even more fully, for he is filled with a life force that must not be contained, lest the world would shrink from deprivation.

He is the owl who observes all things, the bird with its unparalleled freedom, and the fish who slips through your hand when you are famished, desiring the nourishment only he can bring.

He is the snake that wraps you in his coil of love, while penetrating you deeply, without shame or artifice. He is the lion with his fiery mane, the gazelle with her speed and elegance, the monkey jumping all around, until I catch his eye.

Keveen Gabet is my poet.

He is awake and very perceptive. He sees things clearly...at least most things. He still thinks his constant movement is something to be admired though. But I am not impressed by a pilgrim. I am impressed by a king. A king who knows how to treat his queen.

Of course I wait for no man. But I do sit comfortably and watch as he grows into himself. I watch and listen with care and without judgment, because I love him for who he really is, and I grow to love him more each day. I make room for all his expressions, addictions, faults and deceits, because this is the essence of love.

I see how he hides...this man that boasts of loving, while seeming somehow incapable of truly getting close. For true love requires true intimacy; a gift that cannot be had through random exploits, no matter how enjoyable.

True freedom is no longer needing to chase things that never really satisfy. True freedom exists within. He shares his body freely, but is bound by his desires.

The sex might have felt great, but does she know your heart? Do you care to know hers? Beyond the romancing stage, beyond lust, beyond your own beautiful words...

I care, Keveen. I care very deeply. Even when you are not being a poet. Even when you’re no longer chasing me. Even when I know I’m not the only one.

But alas, I need a man who can face me. A man who can speak to me directly, and acknowledge the gifts I give, each and every time...just like you did while on your quest to seduce this Cambridge beauty.

He must be strong and courageous if he is to be with a woman as strong and courageous as me. A man who is unafraid to be real, and is willing to expose his true self, so that I might love him more.

And a man that honours all women, but me especially, because I deserve as much.

No longer willing to give all of me without receiving all of him, I am now a woman who is certain of her worth. I am a woman not easily had, but easily satisfied. I only require true love. I only require truth. I only require you uncovered.

Keveen, I have given you all of me and now it is up to you.

You may leave a space as long as you need, be it a day, a week, a year or more, and I will allow that space to be. Or, you may meet me here, in the place where I reside, and we will begin another chapter, a new story of love.

Regardless of your choice, you will be loved. And, depending on your choice, I will love myself as I need to.

Take care my love, and know that it is your sweet, sweet love that has made me so bold, so willing to say what is real, and to risk it all for the love I know I deserve.

For I am a queen who will soon meet her king.

Your Butterfly

(Order your personalized copy of The Poet & The Butterfly by emailing Mandy at herhappyhighness@gmail.com)

And You Will Say...

2011-05-22T21:12:00.000-07:00

(Posted August 9, 2010)

And you will say,

There is this thing that I thought I couldn't have, and the more I thought I couldn't have it, the more I wanted it. And the more I wanted it, the worse I felt, and the worse I felt, the more I wanted it, til I really got a powerful thing going on in vibrational escrow that became undeniable.

And then one day, I decided to let go of the struggle and stop fussing about not being able to have the thing that I thought I couldn't have. And when I stopped fussing, Source took me right to it. And I said, there you are. You look different than I thought you'd look. But now that I am up close, I feel you are exactly it.

Then you bless the rascal that won't come because it amplified your desire for its essence, which brought you so much more than it ever could have been...and you will have every one of your past dates to thank for this rendezvous.

(A Passage From Esther Hicks/Abraham)

It's a Beautiful Day

2011-05-22T21:09:00.000-07:00

(Written July 29, 2010)

You know what I love? This is what I love...

I love those times in life when you wake up and realize that the things/people that once burdened you, have simply dissolved or made their way out of your life. And you notice that you are more free than you've ever been, and you realize how far you've come. And you look back with gratitude for all that they brought and taught, but you sure as hell appreciate the fact that you are no longer the same person who drew them into your world so long ago.

And you wake up with a smile because everything really IS okay, despite how much you worried it wouldn't be. And you giggle a bit, because it wasn't nearly as difficult as it seemed when it was all you could think about. And you feel like Queen of the World (well I do) because you just made it through a period that you feared you'd be lost in forever, even though you knew better.

And your steps have more bounce,

And your skin is more radiant,

And you sleep better and longer,

And you can see all things clearly, and you see all people clearly,

And your entire world has changed simply because YOU have changed,

And you feel back in your groove but you know that this particular groove is even groovier than the last because you're the best you've ever been, naturally.

And you feel on the cusp of something magnificent, as always...

And you know your worth, you see your true beauty,

And you don't give a fuck what they say, because you already made that mistake once and you realized that "if you're talking to an idiot, two idiots are talking".

So you stop wasting your precious breath on those who don't value themselves enough to focus on their own lives instead of yours.

And you see no limits and feel no pain,

And you have no worries and have no fear,

And you love what's good and forget the rest,

And you dance, and you dance and you dance...

And you pray that you will never forget how amazing life is, how wonderful you truly are, how much the world needs your light, and how great it feels to be free of all the things and people that once held you down,

Until you realize they never really did such a thing.

It was you all along, my friend. It was you. No one had the power to take a thing away. It was you who gave too much.

And so you take back what you gave too freely, and you claim the power that had always been yours,

And you forgive yourself for having forgotten who you were

And you thank them for not seeing you clearly, so that you'd be forced to correct your own vision.

And you decide to leave them all in the dust so you can focus on the only thing that matters;

Your own happiness in this perfect moment.

And you feel like you're right back where you belong; the place where you lived before you made others more important than you; before you looked outside of yourself for answers, love, purpose, direction and value.

Congratulations, my beloved. You have returned home.

Welcome back, friend. So lovely to see you, once again.

xxx